rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

One of the questions I get asked the most is “Why is your personal  security detail recruited almost entirely from the Slavic peoples? Russians, Ukrainians and whatnot?” Well, there are two reasons – the first is that Chechens abhor my opulent (some would say sybaritic) lifestyle…., so I have  yet to successfully recruit one of them (which I’d prefer), and second, this:

Worth watching. A slack handful of these guys, with a sprinkling of USMC Recon, British Paras and a single Canadian sniper and I could die of old age defending this hill.

I could link this headline in some “ohhhhh, so  clever, you are…” way to the fact that I have not posted for a while. I’ve been busy. First it was Tunisia, then Egypt, then Libya and just as I thought everything had calmed down there was Japan! (By the way, don’t believe the hype. The chance of significant radioactive leakage has to be very slim, yet the risk of a few people  dying seems to have pushed the 2400 who actually did die off the front pages….. I guess the media  considers massive earthquake/tsunami mundane, next to radiological disaster. Remarkable).

Anyway, back to the timing of criminal acts. If you are going to attack someone with a pair of scissors while having your haircut, do it before, or after. Or you’re gonna look a fool in your mugshot:

Modernizing: Mid-Seventies to Mid-Eighties

I harvested this from the fertile fields of The Smoking Gun. If ever there was a site which provided cast-iron proof in support of  Bones Rule #1

I have also qualified this guy  for Assclown of the Week.

Do not say we are not at one with the zeitgeist. This CRAZILY good-looking SFTW subject is the naughty minx Ines Sainz, a sports reporter for Mexico’s TV Azteca who crashed the Chicago Bears locker room and apprently thinks it is sexist that she’s not allowed in there (something like that, I didn’t really read the story, just looked at the pictures…..).

Wikipedia has this to say about her, if you’re interested. If you just want to look at pictures, the amazing Men’s Health magazine has them in numbers here

That seems to be the prevailing opinion. The Facebook founder and owner has been pretty much reviled in the press. I think it is the usual type of jealous abuse – you know, him being a geek and the youngest billionaire on the planet and all. I have tried to form an objective view of him and there are good grounds to believe he is probably a bit of an asshole, but his story…. his story….

I read a book once called Masters of Doom. It was about the guys who invented the computer game Doom and the weird shenanigans that these geeks get up to the whole time. I have no idea what Doom is or why it was so important*, but the book was UTTERLY fascinating. I think Zuckerberg’s story is likely to have a similar appeal. Anyhow, we’re about to find out, the biopic The Social Network is on its way. Strapline: You don’t get to 500 million friends without making a few enemies. See what they did there?

I have to say, using Radiohead’s Creep was inspired. It works on many different levels. Of course, it’s not as good as the superlative version, live by Chrissie Hynde, but it works. It really does. Even though they left the work “fucking” out.

Talking of social networks, you can follow Joe Bones on Facebook and Twitter. Do it. We run competitions (bikini, mainly) and shit like that.

(*I have only played one computer game in my life – Modern Warfare 2. I am SKILL at it. Seriously. On free-for-all I can pwn your ass no problem. WITHOUT claymore mines).

A number of profoundly boring things have occurred lately. A sentry droid at Bones HQ ran amok and destroyed two of my best orchids. On top of that, I crashed my jet pack into the river on the way to work this morning (that’s why the Ortega Bridge was closed). Now it’s soggy and favors the left. I have to keep correcting it midflight which is giving me wrist ache. On top of this, my dog’s lower lip has begun to lose its pigmentation, which is giving me sleepless nights.

Basically, this has caused me to lament the human condition.

Lament it.

Deeply.

Nobody could put it better than the Swan of Avon and nobody could put the bard into a more relevant context the Messrs. Robinson and Grant:

I am going to self-medicate myself with a lager poultice, a pale ale enema and 2 quarts of stout, orally administered. Then I am going to secure a bottle of 18 year old malt, rub a  quarter of it on my chest and drink the rest.

I’ll be right as rain by morning.

I am bored of this now, but again, it has proved an unbelievably popular attraction. Let’s see who I can randomly pull out of my pics  folder carefully select on their aesthetic merits, six crucial criteria: face, rack, posterior….. (that’s enough sexism. They are people, not objects. ed.)

I thought Brian Blessed was going through a personal crisis for a minute. Okay, one more post – Repeat Offenders to appear in the next week and that’s the lot.

Jeez, this has got really old for me. Yawn.

Since he offed himself, Lady Gaga’s outfits have gone from the sublime to the ridick! Seriously, this is her at the airport. I was thinking “at least wearing next-to-nothing will speed her through security” then I noticed her stupid shoes. And. Her. Fucking. Handcuffs.

Can it be a coincidence that “Lady Gaga’s” real name is Stefani Germanotta. Which: a) is itself an obviously made up name; and b) has the word German in it (look carefully).

And we all know what we think of them.

After what they did…….

I nearly broke this news, but after an afternoon drinking an opaque liquid from a smoky bottle that a limbless friend brought back from Dushanbe, I forgot about it completely for four days.

So it’s old, now.

Like your sexual technique.

Here he is, Phil Davison, Stark County (wherethat?) Treasurer wannabe, getting enthused:

He has a lot of academic qualifications. And he REALLY wants to be Treasurer. But I love it when he muffs his “most favorite quote”. The one that Albert Einstein “issued”…….

Where would we be without them, I ask myself? Without lovely ladies who know a minus 2 THAC0 when they see one, and can outline the multiple powers of the Invulnerable Coat of Arnd while stripping to nearly nothing for the team. BOOM!

Just look at those.

ooooh, chase me.......

oi, you. Behave.

Smouldering. Nice ass too, BTW.

The right attitude.

We’re going to have one more ladies of DragonCon post and then a post on Repeat Offenders – those who I snapped this year and in 2009.

It’s because you love it, you bunch of weirdos…..