rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

I am participating in Jacksonville’s version of Deadliest Catch, this afternoon. At 2 pm, I will be throwing myself into a barely seaworthy vessel to plant crabtraps in the Saint Johns River in anticipation of an abundant crabfest, come Friday. I will be chronicling the highs and lows for this website.

(I just got a text message asking me to bring two pairs of rubber gloves. That can’t be good.)

Anyway, speaking of boats, you’ve got to take your hat off to Johnny Depp. Not only is he nailing the life partner of Vanessa Paradis, living out an idyllic existence with his family in the South of France, but he also owns this:

It’s the kind of good-taste classic design rarely seen these days. It is the Vajoliroja, and though home ported in the Mediterranean, it is often seen down the road in Fort Lauderdale. Currently it’s in Puerto Rico, where Depp is filming The Rum Diary (we will talk much of this movie in coming months. It stars Johnny Depp, it was written by Hunter Thompson and it is directed by Bruce Robinson. Chances of it being crap? Less than zero).

The boat boasts twin 358kW CAT 3406C diesel engines, has a range of 3,000 nm and a cruising speed of 12 kts. Crew of seven, capacity for 11 guests.

nice.

I’ll be honest, rivercityvibe’s dedication to Lindsay Lohan has raised some eyebrows among the faithful. Though many are happy to take my lead on matters of taste (very sensible), some have demanded proof that this girl is as awesome as I have claimed. Well, that proof is here, courtesy of Funny or Die!, clear and incontrovertible. This will silence the naysayers forever.

Beautiful? Check! Acting skills? Check! Funny? Check! Cool? Check! Sober? Check! Sexy? Check!

You see, you were right to trust me.

Well done.

I recently wrote about Spike Jonze’s efforts to bring the classic children’s tale Where the Wild Things Are to the silver screen, speculating that if it were anything like Wild Things, it could be very good indeed. I thought this post was ball-achingly hilarious. You, in your hundreds, thought it was crap……..

In what I can only imagine is a rapidly concocted spoof, some comedian (more to y’alls taste, I’m sure. Not sulking…) has put out a trailer for Spike Jonze’s treatment of that other ubiquitous childrens’ classic Everyone Poops!

For the record, I generally hate scatalogical humor, preferring to leave that to the Germans. They love that sort of thing…….

This (below) is why I wear Calvin Klein underwear:

Yes, it Doutzen Kroes, the Dutch supermodel. She is currently the 14th highest paid model in the world, according to her Wikipedia page. Who knew?

She’s also in the VS gang……….

Ten out of ten. Seriously.

Eminem’s new album and his song We Made You is getting a lot of attention. It mocks mercilessly a number of celebrities including Simpson, Kardashian, and our favorite Lohan. He is right on the money with what he says about Lindsay and Ronson, drawing attention to the fact that they were something of an odd couple – Lindsay being seriously good-looking and Ronson having a face like a robber’s dog. In fact, Eminem seems to echo much that has appeared on rivercityvibe of late. Could Eminem be channeling Joe Bones? The Video is HERE.

We Made You

Guess Who… You Miss me?… Jessica Simpson sing the chorus

(CHORUS)
When you walked through the door
It was clear to me (clear to me)
You’re the one they adore, who they came to see (who they came to see)
You’re a … rock star (baby)
Everybody wants you (everybody wants you)
Player… Who can really blame you (who can really blame you)
We’re the ones who (chicka) made you *cough, cough*

Back by popular demand
Now pop a little zantack or ant’-acid if you can
You’re ready to tackle any task that is at hand
How does it feel, is it fantastic, is it grand?
Well look at all the massive masses in the stands
Shady man… no don’t massacre the fans
Damn, I think Kim Kardashians a man
She stomped him just cause he asked to put his hands
On her massive glutious maximus again
Squeeze it, then Squish it, then pass it to her friend
Can he come back as nasty as he can
Yes he can,can, don’t ask me this again
He does not mean to lesbian offend
But Lindsay please come back to seeing men
Samantha’s a 2, You’re practically a 10
I know you want me girl,
In fact I see your grin – now come in girl

(CHORUS)
When you walked through the door
It was clear to me (clear to me)
You’re the one they adore, who they came to see (who they came to see)
You’re a … rock star (baby)
Everybody wants you (everybody wants you)
Player… Who can really blame you (who can really blame you)
Were the ones who made you

So baby, baby
Get down, down, down

Baby, get down, down down
Baby, get down, down down
Baby, get down, down down
Baby, get down, get down

Oh Amy, Rehab never looked so good,
I can wait, I’m going back!! HAHA Whooo!

DR DRE, 2020, Yeah

You get the idea…….

Seriously. I left Bones’ HQ for Bones’ Hideout at lunchtime, thinking I could grab a sandwich and a lunchtime cocktail. Maybe walk the dog, watch TV. As it turned out, I did none of these, because as I arrived, the mailman called me over and, with a wink and a nudge handed me the NEW Victoria’s Secret catalogue……… It meets the required standard. Here’s a preview:

Lima

Miller

Lima again

And it’s not even Friday!

For those of us (and our numbers are legion) who wished the entire Star Wars franchise had concerned itself solely with the adventures of Boba Fett, Hunter Prey may be the best movie ever. If you can ignore the dreadful voice procedure (always annoying) then you should check out the trailer:

Look, team, I am trying to nip this bizarre and unwonted (good word) sci-fi obsession in the bud. I promise to post a busty babe later, okay?

I am overcome with excitement to tell you that a movie that ranks alongside such greats as Weird Science, the Empire Strikes Back and Withnail and I, is playing at the 5 Points Theater on Friday.

To clarify and even underline my point, that’s the theater that serves beer during the show. Which I love. The movie is the Coen brothers’ classic, The Big Lebowski:

He's a pederast, Dude.

The show starts at midnight. I will be there in my Walter Sobchak shades, fortified by a number of White Russians.  To get you in the mood, here’s Kenny Rogers with I Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In):

We had Kim Kardashian on Something for the Weekend once, so we’ll leave her out of this. Her sister Kourtenay is appearing in this months Maxim. let’s have look at her with her other sister Khloe (left):

I know. It’s a choice I have visited many times in my nightmares.

*And you can’t say neither.

Now, I am a feminist. You know that. I do not judge ladies on their looks. I appreciate a good looking girl, but I do not judge her worth in that way. With one significant exception: Samantha Ronson.

You’ll recall that this is the girl who lured rivercityvibe favorite Lindsay Lohan away from men. What is more, she is not a looker. Nobody could claim that for her. Now that Lindsay and Samantha have broken up, and the haters are bashing LiLo over it, I feel I can come clean with a theory I have had for some time:

Samantha Ronson not only looks like a man, she actually is a man, and she starred in Series Two of The Wire.

Samantha Ronson

Ziggy Sobotka

I think this is an open-and-shut case.