rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

I used to admire Graydon Carter. I admired him for founding Spy, a magazine that had a profound influence on my life at an impressionable age. I admired him for having the guts to mock everyone (though mainly Donald Trump), and I admired him for having the style to enjoy himself while he was doing it. But I confess, during his years as Editor-in-Chief at Vanity Fair, the bloom rather left the rose for me.

You see, to my mind, the mocking of celebrity all too rapidly became a fawning over it. The Vanity Fair party at the Oscars, over which Carter presides like an Ottoman prince, became the thing he was “known for”. And high-profile gossip from folks like Toby Young made him look like a bit of a prick.

With today’s publication in the Daily Beast of an interview with actor Rupert Everett, I may just have been granted the permission I need to admire Graydon again…… When interviewer Kevin Sessums (irritatingly mannered-style….) points out that Everett is listed as a contributing editor on the masthead of Vanity Fair, Everett replies:

I know. Who does one have to fuck to get OFF that masthead? He’s such a weird character, that [Vanity Fair Editor in Chief] Graydon [Carter]. He’s certainly not the buffoon he looks like. This is the most amazing thing I found out about him. I was once staying at a hotel and I was in the room directly under his. He is an amazing fuck. And you can quote me on this. The screams coming from the woman were some of the purest sounds of pleasure I’d ever heard. And there I was sitting alone in my room unfucked. Suddenly it all made sense. That messy hair of his that I always thought was buffoon hair was buffoon hair hiding a monster cock. The next day I went down to breakfast and Graydon came in and I thought to myself, well, now I understand why you are always acting so entitled and walking on air even though you’re rather fat. It’s because grazing the grass between your legs is this appendage of yours. I did rather politely tell him that morning that I thought he was a very good fuck.

Priceless material. I like it when he says “And you can quote me on this”. I am going to show it to my mom, who I hope will then forgive then-model Rupert Everett for influencing a young Joe Bones to tear fashionable holes in a brand new pair of Levi 501s she had just bought for me……

It has been confirmed that rivercityvibe favorite Lindsay Lohan is once more back on the market for man-love. Though some haters say she never left, Lindsay herself confirmed some time ago that her relationship with girlfriend Samantha Ronson (a bit mannish….?) was the real thing. Well they’ve split up folks, and I have another excuse to run pictures of Lohan (who I love – eros not agape):

Happy with that......

Good.

I like to think I have exorcised yesterday’s science fiction vibe. But I am not sure……..

If you have ever, as I have, been faced with an army of diabolical automatons controlled by an evil overlord and his super-hot female companion, you’ll know how important a speedy means of escape is. Next time this happens, make sure you have access to one of these bad boys:

It is about the coolest thing I have ever seen. I found it on coolhunter.info. I was imagining when you would use one, and that’s what made me think of the Nazi Automatons. You know what I mean, right? It has a decided “King of the Rocketmen” look to it. Straight out of that one movie with Jolie and Law, which I previously described as crap, but I have since been reminded that I liked. Aparently……..

Lately, I have become more familiar with the blogging community in Jacksonville. You’ll appreciate that until people started commenting on rivercityvibe, the weboids and I had barely a nodding acquaintance (in fact, I used to bully them in college, but that’s one of the behaviors I am seeing that Buddhist about).

I have to say I was absolutely DELIGHTED when, out-of-the-blue, Jacksonville legend (and non-geek) Tony Allegretti contacted me to say he had recommended rivercityvibe on the Urban Jacksonville Weekly podcast. The show itself made me blush, so kind were his words. He went so far as to say we were a serious  challenge  to co-host Joey Marchy’s position at the top of the local blogging community. I genuinely could not give a fat rat’s ass about that, but it was nice to hear, and I looked forward to it being posted online.

Then it mysteriously vanished. Nobody knew where it was. It seemed as though it had never existed. It was, frankly, uncanny –  like the Twilight Zone. I know some of you have your conspiracies theories on this. I’m cool with it, though………

Anyway, it’s been found. So thanks very much to the Tony, Joey and Jonathan at Urban Jacksonville Weekly. The show is here. In the barely conceivable event of you not being interested in two week old Jacksonville news, let it load and spool forward to about 4 minutes before the end.

Thanks again Tony!

It appears that North Korea’s determination to do whatever the fuck they like has left them with egg on their faces. Evidently, the BIG DONG rocket* they launched over the weekend with the declared intention of putting a satellite into space never reached orbit. This has fueled international suspicion that the satellite vibe was just cover for a test launch of a military missile.

If that’s the case, you’d think North Korea could come up with a more plausible cover story than they did. The satellite’s role, we are told, was to “broadcast revolutionary songs” (by which we can suppose they mean songs about communist revolution, not acid jazz, trip hop, house and other ahead-of-their time genres…..). According to MSNBC songs included:

“……..the melodies of the immortal revolutionary paeans ‘Song of Gen. Kim Il Sung’ and ‘Song of Gen. Kim Jong Il’………”

Whatever. It put me in mind of another song, sung by Kim Jong Il in the hilarious movie Team America. Take it away, Supreme Leader….:

* The North Koreans also have a missile called NODONG………..

I cannot believe we have not had Elisha Cuthbert, yet. She is right up my street…. type-wise.

nice.......

Continuing the theme, it might interest you to learn that Ms. Cuthbert is from Calgary, Canada, hey?

I have a raging thirst which I shortly intend to slake (good word) by consuming an amount of beer that would kill a Canadian. Don’t be jealous. It’s just a skill I have. I’m not proud. Actually, I’m seeing a Buddhist* about it.

My weekend is going to be pretty HUGE. I’ll report back on Monday. In the meantime, word to all y’alls mothers. Something for the Weekend follows……

(* not just any Buddhist. His Holiness the Dalai Lama)

The news that Madonna’s African adoption has been denied is less than shocking to anyone who knows anything about the state of orphans in Africa. With orphanages full of former child soldiers, who have lived lives in which they have been  fed drugs and beer, abused and taught to kill on demand, Madge thought it would be appropriate to turn up in cammies and a pair of fucking paratrooper boots:

"What this family needs is a new RPG man......."

Apart from looking RIDICULOUS, her appearance provoked a Pavlovian response in the children, who took up fire positions as she entered the room and started to chant weird war songs. She was then offered some khat and an amulet that gives immunity from government bullets…….

Okay, the headline might be a little misleading with reference to the suspension of University of Florida sorority, Sigma Lambda Gamma. It turns out that girls “experimenting” with their budding sexuality in elaborate hazing rituals had nothing to do with the suspension and may not have actually taken place at all, apart from in my mind.

What did happen was equally shocking, though.

Oh. No it wasn’t. It was utterly lame.

It appears that the girls had drawn up a list of 37 things that pledges were forbidden to do, including “using elevators”, and “taking shortcuts across the grass”. If that’s hazing then my entire childhood was one long haze. I wonder if the other rules included having to eat small portions of carrots weekly and wearing sunscreen. Also looking both ways when crossing a road.

Those poor girls…….