rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

There is a scene in the classic war film Waterloo in which the Duke of Wellington interrogates a soldier who has been caught stealing a piglet for food. The soldier explains that he was merely trying to return the beast to its mother. Wellington angrily asks the soldier if he knows what the punishment for looting livestock is. The soldier, without missing a beat says, “Stoppage of gin, sir?”

“Damn you! It’s Death!” says Wellington, then turning to an aide-de-campe says, “Raise this man to Corporal. He knows how to defend a weak position!”

This post is about a guy who would likely have made sergeant in Wellington’s army.

Swedish strippers? Awesome!

It seems that McDonald’s have got their panties in a wad about a neon sign advertising a strip club in Falkoping in the south of Sweden and are considering legal action. The Local, tells us:

“We’re going to send him a letter. In our view this is clearly a breach of our trademark,” McDonald’s spokesman Claes Eliasson told The Local.

But the strip tease club owner, Dragan Bratic, denied that there was any likeness.

“The sign has nothing to do with McDonald’s. It is two breasts with nipples. Anyone can see that,” Bratic told Swedish online newspaper GT.se.

When asked about the name McDragan’s, Bratic replied that the Mc in fact stands for motorcycle and bears no relation to the Mc in McDonald’s.

“I’m not Irish, I’m a Yugoslav. And I don’t sell hamburgers, I sell live striptease,” he insists.

By the way, by the time I had got through reading the article for the first time, I realized it was an April Fool’s joke (those ZANY Swedes!). I had all the Waterloo stuff in my head though and it seemed a shame to waste it.

I know you know about Bones’ Rule #3, which states that “Everyone is outraged about everything, all the time”, but you may be less familiar with the Big One: Bones’ Rule # 1.

Bones’ Rule # 1 is “Fact is always funnier than fiction. Always.” As I have noted before, if you have an eye for the ridiculous, you can spend a life in state of mirth (which is similar to a state of grace, but with more chance of accidental urine discharge…….). This is how I spend my life folks. I can recommend it.

The latest thing I have found that plays to this is this picture of Sylvester Stallone showing his young daughters the antiquities of Rome.

I mean, it is him, right….?

What are the chances that the Romans had their own version of Sly, wandering around Pompeii, perhaps, dangerously eyeing the volcano…. “if tha’ volcano goes up, I’ll give it a war you won’t believe……..”

I have lamented the changes in Scarlett Johansson’s life regularly, over the past six months. Her marriage and her non-blondeness have caused me considerable angst.

She’s gone one better, this time and I can’t help but take it personally. She has inadvertently begun to downsize her celebrated bust…….

They're melting.......

Apparently she is on some kind of diet, the fool.  Page Six tells us:

SAY it ain’t so, ScarJo! Sultry Scarlett Johansson is getting rid of her famous curves. Eyes popped Tuesday night at Moet & Chandon’s “Tribute to Film” soiree at London’s Big Sky Studios when the “very slim” actress, who’s married to Ryan Reynolds, strutted in wearing a tight, black minidress. “She was talking to Thandie Newton about the rigid diet she’s on,” our spy said of the star of the upcoming “Iron Man 2.

Stupid baby talk, for morons, but you get the gist. I cannot help thinking Johansson’s going to see the error of her ways very soon. In the meantime, I’m going to Fedex her some spaghetti and a packet of ZOFT

Our local Rugby team, the Jacksonville Axemen are a treat to watch if you think you would like a cross between football and the kind of thing you saw in the Roman Coliseum around the time of Christ. It’s a bloody, violent and fast-paced game, much beloved of its players. It also attracts a lot of hot chicks (to watch, not to play. That wouldn’t work). What’s more, as a minor sport in North Florida, the Axemen need and deserve our support. To drum up interest, they’ve released a TV Commercial on YouTube:

Some subtle messaging there. My take-away is that beer is quite important to these guys. As it is to me.

It’s a match made in heaven…….

As I recently noted, in our River City, we never go too long without boarding a boat of some sort. I even go out to eat by canoe, on occasion. It’s like Waterworld, here. Everyone needs some kind of waterborne mode of transport simply to survive.

With that, I want to introduce you to possibly the best music video we have ever posted on rivercityvibe. It basically sums up the reason why I live here. It’s Lonely Island with I’m on a boat:

(it’s that ‘rap’ deal so there’s bad language. Mainly ‘motherfucker’ but also ‘shit’ used as a synonym for “everything” as in “and shit”. Also the phrase “I fucked a mermaid” which I found particularly amusing):

I feel the lyrics deserve some attention:

Aww shit, get your towels ready it’s about to go down (shorty, yeah)
Everybody in the place hit the fucking deck (shorty, yeah)
But stay on your motherfucking toes
We running this, let’s go

I’m on a boat (I’m on a boat)
I’m on a boat (I’m on a boat)
Everybody look at me ’cause I’m sailing on a boat (sailing on a boat)
I’m on a boat (I’m on a boat)
I’m on a boat
Take a good hard look at the motherfucking boat (boat, yeah)

I’m on a boat motherfucker take a look at me
Straight flowing on a boat on the deep blue sea
Busting five knots, wind whipping out my coat
You can’t stop me motherfucker cause I’m on a boat

Take a picture, trick (trick)
I’m on a boat, bitch (bitch)
We drinking Santana champ,
Cause it’s so crisp (crisp)
I got my swim trunks
And my flippie-floppies
I’m flipping burgers, you at Kinko’s
Straight flipping copies

I’m riding on a dolphin, doing flips and shit
The dolphin’s splashing, getting everybody all wet
But this ain’t Seaworld, this is real as it gets
I’m on a boat, motherfucker, don’t you ever forget

I’m on a boat and
It’s going fast and
I got a nautical themed
Pashmina afghan
I’m the king of the world
On a boat like Leo
If you’re on the shore,
Then you’re sure not me-oh

For more click HERE.

And I’m with you. In Riverside, Avondale and Ortega, a nautical themed Pashmina in de rigeur…….

Hot on the heels of our ShamWow! story, I receive from longtime supporter Benny Anderson*, another link to the Smoking Gun, this time detailing what the po-pos in Ohio are calling a “law enforcement first”.

It seems that Kile Wygle, 28 was arrested for driving under the influence (DUI) on a motorized barstool. This motorized barstool:

I want one.

The SG tells us:

According to cops, Kile Wygle, 28, crashed his bar stool near his Newark home earlier this month and called 911 due to his injuries. When an officer arrived and asked Wygle what happened, he answered, “I wrecked my bar stool.” According to a Newark Police Division report, a copy of which you’ll find here, Wygle’s homemade ride is powered by a Briggs & Stratton lawnmower engine. Wygle noted that the bar stool could hit nearly 40 miles per hour, but that he was only going 20 when he wiped out late in the afternoon on March 4 (a witness told police that he spotted someone driving a “strange motorized machine” before the crash). A plastered Wygle, who failed a series of field sobriety tests, was charged with DUI and driving with a suspended license, both misdemeanors. His bar stool was not impounded. (5 pages)

Though, looking at it, it’s hardly the luxury model.  Neat wheel at the back, though. I bet it helps over sweet jumps…….

EXTREMENESS TO THE MAXXXXXXX!!!!!!!!!

(*not his real name, just has the same hairstyle as the ABBA divorcee)

I’ve been looking so long at these pictures of Klum, that I almost believe that they’re real…..

I’ve been looking so long at these pictures of Klum that I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel….

The song?

Anyone? Class? Anyone?

Now is a good time to buy a house, we are told. Prices are plummeting, so if you are a first time buyer and do not need to sell a current house to buy a new one, you should act. Consider Aaron Spelling’s house in Los Angeles, for example. See if you can swing it with Wells Fargo. It’s on the market for 150 million dollars.

I wrote that in a Doctor Evil voice.

Bigger than the White House

Coming up with the readies might not be your only challenge, though. Candy Spelling apparently won’t sell this to just anyone. The Independent claims,

And, of course, to handle the sale of this 56,500sq ft chateau-style home, you wouldn’t want just any old estate agent. Thus it was that Mrs Spelling let her dog Madison help her choose. She had her security bring the dog into the room every time she met one of the candidates and watched his reaction. If Madison didn’t like them, out they went.

It’s LA. What do you expect? I should mention that this house is in Holmby Hills. If you bought it, the Playboy Mansion would be only a short walk away.

I wonder if that’s actually a good thing?

When my regular thing said she had bought a new pair of flip flops I paid no heed. Then she rocked up in these, and I have to say, I was impressed:

Perfect for the beach. In Cap d'Antibe......

They are by Giusepe Zanotti and are available from Neimann Marcus. I was ridiculed for my suggestion, upon receiving the bill, that two pairs of Prada T-Straps might have been more practical….. but no, these are “so worth it”.

Joe Bones. A one man economic stimulus package. Evidently.

“You couldn’t make it up” is an over-used phrase, but it is constantly at the forefront of my mind as I survey the world in which we live. It really is awesome, you know! If your senses are fine-tuned to the ridiculous, there is a never-ending stream of it to amuse you. Honestly, I spend most days weeping with laughter…..

So the latest is that ShamWow! guy, beating, and getting beaten by a hooker in Miami Beach. Quite apart from the fire this has lit under the online debate regarding sexual uses for a ShamWow! (it holds twenty times its weight in liquid etc.), the story of what actually happened is comedy gold. Smoking Gun has these pictures and the story:

The ShamWow! guy (above). His 'ho (below).

Here’s some better-than-fiction, fact:

According to an arrest affidavit, Vince Shlomi met Sasha Harris, 26, at a Miami Beach nightclub on February 7 and subsequently retired with her to his $750 room at the lavish Setai hotel. Shlomi told cops he paid Harris about $1000 in cash after she “propositioned him for straight sex.” Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly “bit his tongue and would not let go.” Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue.

Kissing hookers? Hmmmmmmm………? for foreign readers, here is the original ShamWow ad:

Highlighting the fact that it is a German product and “therefore” of high quality is odd, in terms of brand association: Panzers! V-Weapons! The Condor Legion! ShamWow…….! Oh, now I see it!

I nearly mentioned human-skin lampshades.