rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

My younger brother had all of the GI Joe stuff. Cobra Commander, the tank, the silly dog and the motorcycle with the sidecar machine gun. I have fond memories using these military assets to ‘invade’ my other brother’s bedroom. We had inserted Special Forces observers some days earlier. They lurked on the curtain rail, observing all. There was a black kayak involved. I forget now…….

Anyway, these memories are likely to be either enhanced or completely ruined by the new GI Joe movie trailered during the Superbowl. I can’t make my mind up whether it will be awesome or unawesome. Take a look:

God, I love CGI.

“Bones was alive again. Consciousness was upon him before he could get out of the way; not for him the slow, gracious wandering from the halls of sleep, but a summary, forcible ejection. He lay sprawled, too wicked to move, spewed up like a broken spider-crab on the tarry shingle of the morning. The light did him harm, but not so much as looking at things did; he resolved, having done it once, never to move his eyeballs again. A dusty thudding in his head made the scene before him beat like a pulse. His mouth had been used as a latrine by some small creature of the night, and then as its mausoleum. During the night, too, he’d somehow been on a cross-country run and then been expertly beaten up by secret police. He felt bad.”

I have been laboring under a  serious misapprehension.

I thought Bar Refaeli was that place in Tijuana that I got thrown out of for vomiting sangria on the owner’s dog. It’s not, as it turns out. It is in fact a really hot babe:

Thank goodness for Bar Refaeli

That’s one demon exorcised. Result!

Can someone explain to me why the Continental flight I flew between Houston and Jacksonville yesterday was still playing Christmas music over its sound system?*

Using the Gregorian Calendar, no doubt.......

Though true, and baffling, this is, of course, my way of explaining my online absence. I’ve been on the west coast, and they do not have “the internet” there…….

Apparently they are trying to develop something similar in a place with the unlikely name of “Silicon Valley”

(*I would really like an answer, so am sending this link to customer service).

This is Shauna Sands on the beach, recently.

I’ll confess I can’t get past the Urban Outfitters beach bag. Every eleven year old emo‘s dream.

I love animals. I am well known for preferring them to humans. I was once asked whether my compassion toward the animal kingdom extended to a concern for the well-being of my fellow man, particularly children. I thought about it, and gave the only answer I could……

“Curiously, no.”

Seriously, I’m as mystified as you are. I love animals. People? I can take ’em or leave ’em.

Anyway, with my bona fides established, I need to say something about those idiots at PETA:

1. For a start, they kill animals, probably (www.petakillsanimals.com).

2. They are the biggest bunch of bullshit artists going.

Exhibit A is their so-called Superbowl advertisement, which they claim has been banned from the airwaves. Apparently this is because it is too sexy to broadcast. I, however, think it is because it is low grade, un-resonant crap that should not be inflicted on a mass audience. There are some expressions of free speech that are so utterly worthless that the first amendment does not apply. This is true, by the way.  I looked it up.

See what you think:

‘Veggie Love’: PETA’s Banned Super Bowl Ad

And if you want to help animals, try First Coast No More Homeless Pets. These people are saints.

I couldn’t post yesterday because I had Man Flu. I won’t describe the symptoms to you, let’s just say they make Ebola look like a trip to Disney. It wasn’t “flu”, it wasn’t “a cold”. It was man flu. Let’s get that one guy from Shaun of the Dead to illustrate it:

(I didn’t get half of it either, so here’s the explanation: 999 is what the Brits use instead of 911 (lazy). LEMSIP is not, as I first thought, the name of a branch of government, dealing with the dispensation of socialised medicine, rather it is an over-the-counter cold cure. And CBBC is Childrens’ BBC.

I have to do everything around here.

And I’m so poorly………)

This is a particularly good one, in my opinion. A young lady by the name of Raica Oliveira, Brazilian, but no indication she is descended from fugitive Nazis.

Tidy

The usual source tells us:

Oliveira opposes posing nude: “I could not pose nude. Nothing against those who do, but I never felt right about it. It’s not something that would make me proud.”

We’ll see about that.

It appears that some GOD OF COMEDY hacked into the University of Florida emergency notification system yesterday. His message? The brilliant:

THE MONKEY GOT OUT OF THE CAGE!

Our foreign readers might wish for a little explanation. The fact is, due to our national propensity toward abusing our gun laws by using rifles, handguns etc. to massacre students on otherwise friendly college campuses, most universities now have emergency systems whereby instructions to avoid dangerous gunmen, ravening beasts, sexual predators etc. can be communicated to the student body via email, text etc.

It was only a matter of time before someone saw the comedy potential in this…….

Captive no longer......

The Andromeda Strain-style scenario that that particular message brings to mind is good material.

(Aside: This contrasts favorably with my own poor record of university pranks. My highlight, it shames me to admit, was writing “Nelly is a spunk-trumpet” in the snow under my tutor’s office window one night. He was popularly known as Nelly. Poor guy.)

Does this lady give us weird and unsavory insight into the first couple’s sexual practices, or is it just me?

Touching, kissing and even what?!

I’m shocked. As I’ve consistently maintained, it’s always the quiet ones.