rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

Almost exactly ten years ago I found myself atop a cargo of live poultry, on a gaudily painted boat chugging across the Andaman sea. My destination was Krabi, a laid-back beach resort in south west Thailand.  I needed a rest. (I had just been forced to flee the violence in East Timor.  Australian UN troops arrived in armed helicopters. That was my cue to leave…… I shit you not).

Anyway, I was beginning to relax, and was delighted to see another westerner on board. He was tall, athletic looking and, as it turned out, German. I tried to strike up a conversation (auf Deutsch, naturlich….) but he was not interested. He kept staring at the large limestone things, that are a feature of those parts. He looked weird. It was about at this point I noticed he had two backpacks……

Large limestone 'things'

One was the usual, the other seemed more sort of technical. I questioned him (much as my grandfather might have questioned his grandfather after the battle of El Alamein) and he told me it was “his parachute” and that he was Deutschland’s nummer zwei BASE jumper, ja? In town to jump off a few cliffs with his parachute on. Wikipedia describes BASE jumping as:

BASE jumping is an activity that employs a parachute or the sequenced use of a wingsuit and parachute to jump from fixed objects–with the parachute unopened at the jump.

It turns out he was on his way back from Vietnam, where a convention of German BASE jumpers had taken place. He arrived there as Number 4 German BASE jumper, but, you’ve guessed it, a process of attrition moved him up the ladder. Apparently the former number 3 was his brother…….

At this maudlin turn of events, I wished him luck and  went to sit in the bow of the boat where I consoled myself with a few swigs from my last bottle of Sang Thip (with added formaldehyde). I never saw him again, once we disembarked. I reckon he’s a gonner, though. He had that look about him.

Anyway, long way of introducing this rather special clip……

Only a idiot would try this at home.

Salma Hayek, eleven years ago. Compare and contrast…….

All things considered, I prefer the new model

Gratuitous pictures of busty babes. That’s how we roll.

….with Verne Troyer. The nailer of Playboy models is in the news again, this time for his antics on UK Celebrity Big Brother. As my friend The Hog actually once said, little people “as everybody knows, are always getting into ‘scrapes'”. If Verne is anything to go by, he is absolutely correct. Look at these pictures:

shame

And eating a pot of honey, like Pooh.

shame shame

I am not sure what to make of all this. It just doesn’t seem right, somehow………

Ricardo Montalban has joined the choir invisible, aged 88. I hope and pray that in heaven, he has well-deserved respite from those pranksters who follow him around shouting “The plane! The plane!” (though come to think of it, following Ricardo around all day shouting that is pretty close to my idea of heaven……)

Perma-tan? Check.

Of course, to some of us his TV days were not his best. Some of us will remember him for his movie roles, such as that of “Fiesta Specialty Dancer” in The Kissing Bandit (1948).

I also respect him for his realistic view of his own profession. The usual source tells us:

In several interviews and public speeches, Montalbán described “the five stages of the actor” as follows:

1. Who is Ricardo Montalbán?
2. Get me Ricardo Montalbán.
3. Get me a Ricardo Montalbán type.
4. Get me a young Ricardo Montalbán.
5. Who is Ricardo Montalbán?

Nicely put.

We are fans of Ferrells’s canon of work, here at rivercityvibe. The iconic Frank “The Tank” Ricard is high in our pantheon of heroes, right up there with Bill Donovan and Larry “Buster” Crabbe. He’s always worth watching (apart from in Elf), particularly, when he is with that one guy, John C. Reilly, from Talladega Nights…..

So I could not recommend  Stepbrothers more highly. A hilarious movie with an important message (something to do with “activities”)……

I recommend you buy it. It’s at Target. Here’s the trailer:

Oh, and you may, like a buddy of mine, purchase in error, the standard DVD. Avoid this. Pay an extra seven bucks and get the Double DVD version. I have no idea what’s on the second disc (it slipped under the sofa) but I reckon it’s awesome……

Some of you appear to be under the impression that I am your jail-bitch, here to do whatever you ask, without question, with at least feigned enthusiasm. Only this can explain the impertinent DEMANDS for me to post the Hayek picture alluded to below.

A reliable standby.

So there we have it. I hope you’re happy

(* This rule is subject to a number of exceptions).

I was going to put up a pic of Selma Hayek and her awesome rack under the headline “Golden Globes”, because at last night’s celebration, she (they) looked awesome.

Actually, I still might.

But the best part of the whole ceremony was Ricky Gervais (the guy who invented The Office) showing the audience how to make a joke about the holocaust and get away with it. This poor quality clip is on youtube. I’ll try and upgrade it when I can. (done).

“Well done, Winslet”. Classic.

I cannot believe we have not had the lovely Lucy Pinder, yet. Behold:

Well done you.

Back to a proper blogging schedule next week – restaurant reviews, witty observations and Lohan’s rack.

Only on rivercityvibe.com

We are the champions.

Continuing our dubious theme of “classic” music, here is the late lamented Freddie Mercury, playing the piano in his undies. It’s a tribute to the University of Florida Gators (and, if I know Freddie, Tim Tebow in particular………)

While we’re on the subject of celebrities whose lives are in the shitter, let’s talk about Mickey Rourke. At one stage, Angel Heart was near the top of my all time great movie list (it has two of my favorite things in it – female nudity and voodoo). He was also in 9 1/2 Weeks, which was, to an eighties child, pretty much the last word in erotic titillation. Like Strap on Midget is for today’s kids……

Anyway, he’s been away on the usual spiral of drug-fueled self-indulgence for the last twenty (count ’em) years. Various newspapers report that he has now got his act together (the fact that he has NO money may have helped) and is all set for an Oscar nomination for his part in upcoming wrestling flick, errrr, The Wrestler*:

Apparently, it is a dead cert for some kind of recognition. The  trailer below reveals a movie big on crying and pathos. On the upside, there are strippers in it:

I was going to make some crack about his facial appearance these days, but as it is evidently a congenital condition, I won’t…..

As it is not the kind of movie I would automatically recommend to you, I intend to see it before y’all. So as to give you thumbs up or thumbs down.

That’s how much I love you.

(*Already out in some theaters. I have to put this or the movie geeks will bombard me with sneering emails. It’s not all beer and babes, this job, you know…….)