rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

I was in Richmond, Virginia this weekend. Why? You don’t need to know.

On Thursday night I found myself in a nightclub, where I discovered this individual. Clearly a dangerous sex pest. Hide your daughters/sons/gerbils.

I think it is important to mention that this guy was not in a band or anything. He had just brought a trombone with him. In the same way that a girl would carry a purse……

Look closely. Only half his chest has hair. What’s up with that?

He is a strange ranger.

I added the “bitches” in the headline. It seems more “street”. Though I think we know that the only street I am down with is Saint Johns Avenue (and only stretches of that, to be honest).

Anyway my new favorite is that one song from the car ad by The Heavy:

Here are the so-called words:

Now there was a time
When you loved me so
I could have been wrong
But now you needed to know
See, I’ve been a bad, bad, bad, bad man
And I’m in deep, Yes I am
I found a brand new love for this man
And I can’t wait till you see
I can’t wait

So how you like me now
How you like me now
How you like me now
How you like me now etc.

Remember the time
When I eat you up
You know that I wasn’t lyin’
that you can’t give up
So if I was to cheat
on you baby would you see right through me
If I sing a sad, sad, sad, sad song
would you give it to me

How you like me now
How you like me now
How you like me now
How you like me now etc

Does that make you love me baby
Does that make you want me baby
Does that make you love me baby
Does that make you want me baby

How you like me now
How you like me now
How you like me now
How you like me now

It gets a bit samey but I am told consistency and repetition is the key to something or other. I forget what….. breakfast, maybe?

My third favorite movie (and favorite John Hughes* movie) Weird Science is playing at the 5 Points Theater at midnight tonight. I am attending in my yellowest shoes. It’s going to be mighty. I presume you all, being people of exquisite taste, patronize the 5 points Theatre (note spelling) all the time. They have beer.

Which reminds me, I have recently begun a long post which, O reader, I may or may not inflict upon you shortly. It’s subject is Quality of Life. The fact that I can go to a midnight showing of a movie like Weird Science, on my bicycle, is what we call a ‘key indicator’ when it comes to measuring Life Quality.

If only it wasn’t so bastarding cold.

What’s up with that? Seriously.

(*did you see the piece about him in Vanity Fair? Illuminating).

The ubiquitous “JD” in London, England sent this quite amazing example of a public service announcement that has been running on Brit TV recently. JD mentions that despite having the most crowded roads in the developed world, England also has the safest. Ads like this must help:

Okay, that’s enough of that sort of thing. Coming up – Lindsay Lohan! And you thought we’d forgotten her!

If you’re looking for the antidote to last Saturday’s Jimmy Buffet concert, I have it right here. Slip on your silk kimono, mix yourself a good-sized portion of electric soup and sit back to listen to this cover version of St Etienne’s Nothing Can Stop Us Now by the amazing Kylie Minogue. Because if there are two things I love, its the music of Saint Etienne and the physical appearance of Kylie Minogue.

Whaddya think about a Jacksonville-based Saint Etienne tribute band? We can call it Saint John’s and our first cover can be Avenue.

Geddit!!?

You may be familiar with a people known as “the British”. They speak a bastardized form of American and make the outlandish claim that they used to run the world before we did. Apparently, they all live in a place called London and many of them (for reasons I could bore you with, but won’t) read this blog. Don’t take me my word for it, ask the analytics geeks at Google.

Anyhow, once of these readers, a certain “JD”, sent me this rather funny clip of a “British” comedian mocking the USA. I think “JD” meant it to sting, but we can take it, right? We did, after all, make Team America.

Take a look. It is funny:

Now if there is one rule that I live by, it’s “Go Big or Go Home.”

For those who are unfamiliar with this concept, “Go Big or Go Home” is a saying I made up ages ago to express, in a memorable form, the idea that half measures are a waste of time. Tiger Woods, who is right now hiding at TPC Sawgrass a scant dozen miles away from Bones HQ. has become a poster child for this philosophy.

You see, no matter what your moral position on adultery might be, You have got to admire the way Tiger went about it once he’d decided it was the thing for him. I mean, he really went for it, fucking literally dozens of enormously-racked hookers, bar maids and pornstars. I mean, what did he have to lose? I am told that once you do one you’re going to hell anyway……

Exhibit Alpha

You see, Tiger, whatever his faults as a human being, has earned my admiration for the barely fathomable way in which he has demolished his own reputation. You can imagine how it started – some ropey waitress with a worthwhile rack came on to him. He succumbed and found himself thinking ….Hang on…. I’m fricken’ Tiger Woods…. I can do better than this… Next thing he knows he’s shouting for a flunky, “Alphonse! Get the Bunny Ranch on the line. Tell them it’s Big Johnson and I am sending a Chinook.”

Okay, its not funny. There are children involved and a Swedish model wife* but I have still got to take my hat of to Tiger. No half measures. He went for it, balls to the wall. He may be a dangerous skank-shagger, but he still has some style…….

*where, incidentally, is the famous Swedish commitment to Free-Love I remember from my days over there….?

Sports Illustrated. 2010 Swimsuit edition. Today. With Brooklyn Decker:

More HERE. You pervs.

Wishing all my readers the compliments of the season. Check out the coolest version of Santa Claus is Coming to Town you will ever hear…..

It’s Lou Rawls, who also does an awesome version of The Little Drummer Boy (par up up um pum). The usual source has this to say about him:

Louis Allen “Lou” Rawls (December 1, 1933^[1] – January 6, 2006) was an American soul, jazz, and blues singer. He was known for his smooth vocal style: Frank Sinatra once said that Rawls had “the classiest singing and silkiest chops in the singing game”. Rawls released more than 70 albums, sold more than 40 million records, appeared as an actor in motion pictures and on television, and voiced-over many cartoons. He had been called “The Funkiest Man Alive”.

See y’all soon….. 2010 is going to be very big round these here parts.

I have talked before about my favorite movies. Y’all know of my deep love for the comedy classic Weird Science; of my abiding passion for the second Star Wars film (Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back); and I have mentioned before my admiration for Brit Gangster movies – including last year’s RocknRolla. I don’t think, however, I have mentioned that probably my favorite war film of all time (it competes with The Wild Geese) is Zulu, in which Michael Caine gives a career-defining performance as the officer in charge of the defense of Rourke’s Drift.

Well I have now.

So when I see a trailer like this one for Harry Brown – gritty Brit Gangster film starring Michael Caine, I get very, very excited:

All it needs is Kelly LeBrock’s rack and it would be my perfect movie. It is out on DVD in the New Year. I have pre-ordered it.