rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

Stop your whining. I have been very busy. You don’t think the Afghanistan surge was his idea do you?

In partial recompense, look at these:

This lady is called Denise Milani and she can “decorate my Christmas tree” anytime….

Geddit?!!

Rivercityvibe was inspired by the “weblog” of my South African buddy, Seth Rotherham. His Cape Town-based site 2oceansvibe (see what he did there) is Africa’s second most trafficked WEBSITE (true story). It has propelled him to levels of fame and fortune not often seen in the blogging world. His secret?

He hates hipsters and has no truck with their boring blogs or their terrible ‘blogosphere’ circle-jerkery. He shuns them as I would shun a rabid dog.

Seth and I handled some rough work back in the day. The phrase we usually use to describe our relationship is, “we stole some horses together.” This is not meant to be literal (rustling is illegal, folks), rather it’s mean to hint at what life was like back in the days when pairs fire and maneuver was needed just to get to the nearest bar…..

To show you how he rolls these days, here is an interview with South Africa’s ELLE Magazine which I would have posted for its humor value even if I had no connection to the subject:

CTRL and + to zoom (in Firefox)

Nice hat. He’s got the whole Hunter T vibe going on. I am told the fact that rivercityvibe was not mentioned in the answer to the last question was an editing decision made by the poor folks at Elle.

They know not what they do. It’s cool.

The consequences will be felt through the mysterious workings of karma.

I have a soft spot for that other warm, sunny state – by which I mean California. Also I like its comedy Governor, the vocally challenged Austrian ex-pornstar Arnold Schwarzenegger (I know, Austrian is actually worse than German, what with Fritzl-types around every corner, but I am laying off the boxhead bashing for a while… it got too easy).

This week Arnie showed a side of him that I had hitherto suspected existed. He is a humorous individual considering his… well you know. On vetoing a bill sent to him by the legislature, he sent the following letter to policymakers in Sacramento:

So far so good, right? Standard political/governance fare, one would imagine and it’s not as if he doesn’t have a point. Cryptologists working at Bones HQ have, however, identified the following message, hidden within the Governor’s letter:

Good material, nein? Klasse und schoen! As the Governator might say…..

Out for a run the other day, I spied the unmistakable image of three uniformed members of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard coming toward me. Naturally I sought hard target cover and sounded my personal locator alarm, knowing that the QRF at Bones HQ would be crashed out. If I was going to have to conduct a fighting withdrawal on the streets of my own home town, I wanted my Ukrainian bodyguards in intimate support. “Bring the ’40“, I whispered into my collar mike….

As the enemy moved toward me it became increasingly obvious that I was mistaken. In fact, the closer they got the more sure I was that they were not Iranian Revolutionary Guard. Neither were they Egyptian Special Police (my second guess). In fact I was slowly coming to the horrifying conclusion that these guys were not third world paramilitaries at all. Could they be Americans?

Then a comforting thought struck me….. “Halloween costumes!”  I extracted myself from my fire position with as much dignity as I could and moved towards the guys in question, smiling.

Fuck me, readers – they only turned out to be members of the US Navy!

Not these fellows, after all.

Great guys they were (anyone who has a broad international experience knows we should go down on our knees to thank serving sailors for what they do for us). They sheepishly explained that the Pentagon, in its Post-Rumsfeldian wisdom, had decreed a new working dress for the Navy and had decided it should be a Disruptive Pattern Material (DPM) colored blue….

You know, in case you wanted to hide behind some waves…….. or in the sky, perhaps.

Here is a picture of the new look US Navy:

Relax. They're on our side

There really is very little difference. I CANNOT wait for them to bring out more colors (you know it will happen – Bones Rule # 1). I have a feeling this is a reaction to the fashion and celebrity culture that we live in (the one I deliberately perpetuate for laughs….) It does not seem very military, I’ll say that.

Perhaps officers of field rank and above could be permitted to wear mauve?

Did you know that Benicio Del Toro was the third Puerto Rican to win an Academy Award? No? Well he was.

Benny (as he is known to intimates) hasn’t put a foot wrong, cinematically. His morals too, appear to be faultless (always a disappointment for celeb-watchers). His latest movie, The Wolfman, is inspired by the classic 1941 movie of the same name and looks double-plus awesome. Check it:

Gollum and Hannibal Lecter? We’re spoiled.

I think I have alluded to the fact that I have distant family in New Zealand. I may have pointed out that my second cousin* is dominating the Australasian music scene with his band Midnight Youth and, I have no doubt, will be here very soon. There’s a lot to like about New Zealand, I reckon. I have never been there (nearest I have come is Sumbawa – which is nowhere near). I’d like to go, if only to experience cops with a genuine sense of humor…..

Words to live by.

Follow Midnight Youth HERE. They utterly rock.

(*we are second cousins, apparently. So my aunt tells me….. She did the complex math.)

We had another of those bar conversations last night – one of the ones in which I speak about a well-known cult musician and my buddies stare at me blankly. I then have to go to other patrons to conduct a straw poll to prove that A. I am not making it up, and B. my friends are idiots.

Last time, we were at Harpos, but yesterday we had repaired to The Secret Bar. I can’t remember if I have mentioned it before, but this is the bar that we have sworn a blood oath to keep secret from the various female stakeholders in our lives. It means we can camp out, with our phones off and be certain we will not be disturbed. All I can reveal is that it is on the Westside and does not require teeth. Imagine the scene last night as I went around the various denizens and asked them if they were familiar with the works of Boney M….

Of course they were. They were as hip to it as I am. Here is their flagship anthem Daddy Cool:

By the way, Class Warfare has broken out in the comments section for one of our posts. Check it out.

We’ve been going a year (more, actually) and we have published some seriously funny shit. We need a recap for new readers. Here it is.

My personal favorite so far was the Where the Wild Things are vs. Wild Things post, but people tell me all the time  “it’s shit”. I disagree. If I may quote Harry Smith, who taught me English Literature (and why I should love it):“It may not have you rolling in the aisles, but if it does not have you chuckling quietly to yourselves…. there’s something wrong with your sense of humor…!”

Harry was (as no doubt you’ve guessed), referring to Thomas Middleton’s 1613 crowd-pleaser, A Chaste Maid in Cheapside, but the sentiment applies here. Random celebrity tongue follows:

by my reckoning, these are the most popular posts so far on rivercityvibe.com

Thanksgiving 2007

Wildlife Notes for Foreign Readers

Rush Limbaugh: A Man of Appetites

An Introduction to Schadenfreude

America’s Next Top Model (numerous entries)

“Charles. Get out the rifle. We’re being fucked.”

There is a school of thought that the tale of the German Base Jumper should be here, but I have run out of time. Use the search function.

Thanks as always to the rivercityvibe faithful.… You’ve been real….

Some more borderline lookers with sweet Dungeons and Dragons skills. The previous Dragon*Con post has proved very popular.

You pervs.

I like what you're doing here. Nice one.

This one meets the required standard. No doubt.

Ooooh, cheeky.......

One of the 3 dozen dressed like this. This one was very pleasant....

So that’s it. I am drawing a line under this. We are back to lifestyle optimization, mocking the pompous and celebrity gossip. From now.

Well, after this:

I seem to remember the zombies were slimmer in the original. Did you spot the professional dancers at the front, the Burger King and the one guy with a galvanized bucket on his head? It’s like Where’s Waldo? (SciFi Edition).

The mighty University of Florida ‘Gators take on the boringly-named University of Tennessee Volunteers today at home.

The Vols coach, Lane Kiffin, has been talking big. Basically he has been claiming that UT will take UF down – take them down to China town!

It seems unlikely, to be honest. I don’t know how Lane Kiffin stacks up as a prognosticator, seer, or soothsayer (or even as a coach). As a selector of Life Partners, however, he pretty much dominates college football.

Here is his spouse, the delectable Layla Kiffin:

It’s important to note, I think, that Layla is a UF grad and her father an All-American quarterback for UF (and later as UF coach). She claims she’s all about the Vols these days, but it’s the Gator Nation we’re talking about here, so I doubt it. We can claim her.

She’s ours.