rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

I am about to make a big, big call. Here it is:

The video below is the funniest thing I have seen this year.

It hits me in that special place – you know, the comedy schwerpunkt, where your “funny neurons” jostle with your God-Given-DNA* to create unique receptors in the brain. When comedy signals are received these receptors scan them for an identical match. Finding one triggers a crazy alarm  which cramps your stomach, sets tears streaming down your face and sends you into the nearest corner to rock slowly backwards and forwards in paroxysms of laughter that seem as though they will last forever.

Told you. A BIG call. This song is called Cry Tunes:

The one guy responsible is a Canadian (as opposed to a “Canadian” – he’s not gay, just from Canada), called Donnie Dumphy. I once lurked in a very cold ditch waiting for some bad guys with a man called Dumphy. We were there a long, long time, and, (surprise!) the bad guys never turned up**. I don’t think it’s the same Dumphy, though one would assume there aren’t that many of them. Anyway, let’s dwell on the lyrics:

Beer, cold beer, don’t you ever worry,

I am right here…

I could never live without you…

You don’t care what I amount to…..

If that is not lyrical genius, I don’t know what is.

* Not mutually exclusive, America.

** We got them later.

As I said in my previous post, the ladies of Dragon*Con made up, in some ways for the men. Many were dressed scantily. Some were passable. Some, as you would imagine, were not. We’re not going to think about this latter group. We are going to concentrate only on the ones who looked good in costume. Or had enormous racks. Here they are in the first of two posts. Don’t judge me:

Well done you!

Very nicely turned out.

Enormous, huge sword......

Conventionally beautiful. The Joe Bones "type"

I’ll post some more over the weekend. I know some of you are getting bored with the Dragon*Con vibe. Me too, to be honest.

Not long now……..

I was an early adopter when it came to the music of Irish band U2. Their Under a Blood Red Sky album was the incidental music in the screenplay of my life for a couple of scenes. They were WAY COOL, back in the day. I can’t help thinking that something odd has happened to Bono since then. Nowadays, he seems more comfortable hobnobbing with world leaders than with setting a bad example to decadent youth as a man in his position should.

I think this inspired parody about hits the nail on the head. Enjoy.

Oh, this is a good time to introduce you to Bones Rule # 2:

“The self impressed should not be spared (apart from me).”

I want you to close your eyes and imagine yourself in a different place…… A place where every hero and every villain you have ever known, from TV and film, comic books, video games and novels by the likes of Tolkien and Rowling, have come together.

They’re all there, from crowd-pleasers like Spiderman and Wonder Woman, through to obscure characters from the Lord of the Rings. Those crazy aliens from Starship Troopers stand cheek by jowl with Ewoks and terrible baddies.

Like that one guy from X-Men – you know the one.

You’ve done that right? You’re imagining all of those heroes and villains. All of the ones you have ever known, in one place right?

Good.

Now imagine each and every one of them has put on 40 lbs – mainly around the midriff.

That’s Dragon*Con, folks.

Sums it up, really.....

My need to attend this EXTRAORDINARY event had its origins about eight years ago.

At the time, I had some business to attend to in Atlanta’s Peachtree Center. I forget precisely what it was, but I fancy it had something to do with ammunition-carrying mules in Tora Bora.… Anyway, I had turned up for the meeting, as is my habit, very early. I felt a little peckish, so I took the elevator down to the sprawling food court in an attempt to find something edible.

As I stood in line for food, I sensed a certain oddness. At first I couldn’t put my finger on it. Then it hit me. In plain sight, ahead of me in line, were two Gandalfs, an Orc, a sub-species of Gronk, and Ron Weasley.

I really was not prepared for that. For a moment, I thought my frappucino had been spiked….. In actual fact I was merely (merely!) experiencing the very first day of Dragon*Con. The web yields this:

Dragon*Con is the largest multi-media, popular culture convention focusing on science fiction and fantasy, gaming, comics, literature, art, music, and film in the US.

As soon as I realized the truth, I knew that one day, whenever it might be, I simply had to attend myself. That year was this year.

And attend I did. Though I stood in line for two hours on Friday buy 100 bucks worth of ticket, I really needn’t have bothered. There were all the mockery opportunities a man could dream of just wandering around the FOUR downtown hotels (Hyatt, Hilton, Marriott and Sheraton).

I didn’t attend any of the events (they were completely incomprehensible to me anyhow. What, pray, is a Cthulhu? And no, I fucking do not want a “quick game of Munchkin“….)

I wandered around with a couple of carefully selected sidekicks, maintaining my famous edge with Vodka and Red Bull. The other attendees were harmless. Actually quite nice, some of them. But, boy, they were earnest. I would not have thought it possible to take oneself seriously while dressed up as Super Mario, but evidently it is…..

Then there were the Ladies of Dragon Con. Surprisingly, many met the required standard (some, though, decidedly DID NOT). It might be something about their weaponry (fnar fnar……) but the odd one or two kind of rocked in their weird geek way.

I promise to post pictures of the best within the next couple of days. Stand by…….

Okay. The Labor Day Weekend is behind us. I have had an adventure, I can tell you. Before I go into detail about the fuck-show that was DragonCon (I was nearly run through by a +1 broadsword for mocking. Seriously. And I only just dodged a Magic Missile), I want us to look at our core material, namely hot super models in bikinis.

I think of them as guides on our journey toward lifestyle optimization. They fulfill much the same role in my life as the enlightened monks do in the lives of my Buddhist buddies. Here is one. She is a very kind person, so looking at her chest will not affect your karma in any way…..

This is Katrina Darrell. Also known as Bikini Girl. I think I know why.

Stay with us, this week is going to rock on rivercityvibe.

I meant to post about this at the time, but I was busy. I ran past the Bettes Estate this weekend (as I do nearly everyday) and it reminded me. It’s a sorry picture. The house was recently consumed by fire after a careless worker involved in its restoration set it alight with a blow torch. Seriously. How mad would that make you, if that was your home? It is a total loss, apparently.

Anyway, the house was built in 1912, not necessarily old for 32210 (parts of Bones HQ date from 1904, but I added the hollowed-out volcano in the ’90s). Also, it is not on the river – but I am told it once was – it has just had houses built between it and the river since.

Irritated homeowner

First Coast News reported:

…the historic structure was destroyed. However, the owners tried to salvage what they could, and plucked dripping wet portraits from the first floor of the house.

“From the very onset, firefighters never really had a fighting chance,” said JFRD Spokesperson Tom Francis.

Francis said the fire spread quickly and took more than 60 firefighters to control it. “It’s heart breaking,” said Sawyer, who watched with dozens of neighbors from the blocked off street.

Sawyer showed First Coast News pictures she took inside the home in the 1970s. She said the more than 5,000 square foot estate had beautiful staircases and polished, wooden floors.

So that’s that, then. Shame. Terrible shame.

I mentioned Jon Gosselin (philanderer and IVF fanatic) in my last post. My implication was that he was a no-good asshole, who selfishly abandoned his eight children in order to fulfill his own warped needs, mainly sexual.

What? You didn’t get all that?

Well that’s what I was implying.

Anyway, it turns out that his evil plan is working, and, I must admit, he appears to have rebooted his sex life very successfully. This is how he rolls, these days…..

I like that one. The pink one, bottom left

For those who have been wondering where I have been for the last few weeks, I am afraid it will take a presidential finding for me to disclose that. Let’s just say, it was very scary and involved shrunken heads.

We are entering a new GOLDEN AGE for rivercityvibe, my children. Did you know you can now read us on jacksonville.com?

Well you can.

Much more to follow. Including my report from DragonCon, which I am attending in order to mock.

No shit…….

I went to Harpos for a liquid lunch. I was astonished to learn that my companions, Benny from ABBA and Dupree McPolish Layabout, were not familiar with the oeuvre of German synthpop trio Alphaville.

Unbelievable, I know.

For a minute, I thought I had dropped through one of those wormholes in the space/time continuum (always happening to me). When this occurs, I find things I take for granted no longer exist (on one memorable occasion, for example, ears vanished from my universe). In this case all was okay. I checked with our accomplished waitress who immediately reeled off a list of Alphaville’s most popular tracks, starting with Forever Young (yes, they wrote it)and finishing with Big in Japan.

It turns out my lunch companions are just crap lunch companions, when it comes to music.

Quite an 80s vibe.

I am not sure what freaks me out more, the Teutonic English (“..izzy ven you’re big in Japan….”) or the fact that the singer looks EXACTLY like philanderer and IVF fan, Jon Gosselin

I miss the days when Britney Spears was super hot. Lately, your mom turns me on more. So it is with some misgivings that I, for the first time on rivercityvibe, (drum roll please, Alan**) post an up-to-date picture of Britney in a bikini. I do this for educational purposes. I hope to stimulate a national debate. I leave it in your hands. Do with it what you will.

Apart from the granny panties, I call that not at all bad.

* I use the word “literally” in the way that very stupid people do, to mock them, basically.

** Like I know anyone called Alan. As if. What am I, a bus driver?

On his bottom. Sorry girls.

Vinny Chase (aka Adrian Grenier*) is a popular sex symbol in the fictional world of Entourage. I checked with my regular thing by showing her these pictures and she confirmed that, in real life, he fails to meet the required standard.

Also, I note his name is Adrian.

What a giveaway……..