rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

We are verging a little into hipster territory here (which I hate), but I thought it would be nice to plug Urban Jacksonville Weekly LIVE! which begins at the 5 Points Theatre (note spelling) in a mere hour or so. For the 88% of rivercityvibe readers who do not live in the River City (13th biggest city in the US. you heard it here first…..) Urban Jacksonville Weekly is a BRILLIANT podcast full of funny chat and interesting info (they once plugged us). It’s hosted by three hip young gunslingers who I will call The Beard, The Suit and The Oddpants. These sobriquets are expressions of love my dears….

Anyway, the original plan for the LIVE! Podcast involved showcasing the extended trailer from the new film by graffiti-sensation Banksy, the public-minded vandal who has made millions from his ‘street art’. Here’s a version of the trailer for Exit through the Gift Shop:

I respect Banksy, but I can take him or leave him. My interest in this movie is primarily in its soundtrack. The song at the beginning of the trailer is Tonight the Streets are Ours by the double-plus legend Richard Hawley.

He was only in Pulp. That’s all.

No big whoop.

I have written before about WJCT’s Electro Lounge show – one of the things I love about Jacksonville (which I consider to be a city full of great things). Driving back from the airport just now (I felt like driving, I had to put the Chechens in the back. There was no danger. We were not followed) I tuned in and heard, as one is wont to do on that glorious station, the best cover of a-ha’s Take on Me you are ever likely to hear.

It was minimatic featuring Juliette P singing Take on Me (with a Martini*). I love it because of the way it sounds, but also because the singer takes it upon herself to correct Harkett’s diabolical Norwegian grammar (it’s ‘take me on’, not ‘take on me’ you terrible dicksplash).

Any how, check it , check it yeah yeah (sound only, with a picture of a babe’s ass):

We’re back. Stick with us.

So we got to the game early. I was riding with Kenny P and McPolish. Benny Anderson off of ABBA had foolishly over-indulged the night before and was missing, believed vomiting. We were meeting up with my buddy III who is the king of this sort of celebration……

My regular thing dropped us off in her experimental water craft (which she claims was built by Israeli Special Forces for Littoral Operations in the Sea of Galilee. Maybe.) We were inserted at Jacksonville Landing. The first person we saw was this guy:

He was a Gator, for the record

I think that counts as One for the Ladies….. As we pushed further into the mayhem (via weak and pricey shots at that place that used to be Gaslights. The shots had fruit in them. so actually had the effect of sobering me up. Hardly their purpose), I began to get the impression that this year was going to be off the hook. This was 100% confirmed when I saw this:

An engineering marvel

It was a mobile, gas-pressured, three way beer bong that can deliver three cans of beer to three participants, in under three seconds.

I like them apples a lot.

The legend who was in charge of it has a future as an impresario (apparently he’ll need something. Five years of college and a sophomore already……) No sooner had I explained who I was and that all the Russians (ex-soldiers and strippers, mainly) were part of my entourage, than he grasped what he must do. He lined up three beautiful girls and arranged a demonstration. Here is my photographic essay on the subject…..

Feeding the Beast

Adopt the position

Bend zee knees (if you like)

Chin it, Padre!

Clear. Ease springs.

Each one of them earned a cheer from the crowd as they emitted, one by one, three of the most lady-like beer belches I have ever heard. They were a pleasure, beginning to end. I was rather lost in music, at this stage, so I did not get anyone’s name. Email me if you want credit, girls and boys. I am afraid it won’t count in class, though……

So that was a highlight. Incidentally, we saw the Fifth Column again. There was plenty more of the usual naughtiness. As tradition dictates, I did not attend the game, or know what the score was. I presume the Gators won……

This is the weekend we have been waiting for. AC DC playing Veterans Arena tonight, easing us in to the Florida/Georgia game tomorrow. It is going to be Pretty. Fucking. Huge.

In an effort to celebrate the enormity of the imminent mayhem, I have resolved to publish not one, but two (2) Florida Gator babes.

Incidentally, I’ll be at the tailgates, taking pictures of the celebrants as long as it is safe for me to do so – I don’t think I shared with you last year’s debacle…… It was shameful (in a good way). I have only just finished paying for the damage (both economic and moral).

So far, so good, non? Here’s her friend:

Hot dang diggety.

See you at the game……

We have already discussed my history with rockers AC DC and the way, to me, the band will forever be associated with Flash Gordon (and those pesky Lion Men of Mongo). Whatever. Anyway, they are playing Veteran’s Arena here in the river city on October 30th.

That’s right.

The night before Florida/Georgia.

That weekend is going to be Pretty. Fucking. Huge. I counsel you all (every one of you) not to miss it. Jacksonville.com (with whom I am about to have a feud about their unethical love of hipsters) report,

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame band AC/DC will bring its “Black Ice” Tour to Jacksonville Veterans Memorial Arena on Friday, Oct. 30 — the night before the Florida-Georgia game is played across the parking lot.

Tickets for the Australian hard rockers show go on sale at 10 a.m. Friday through the arena box office, livenation.com and Ticketmaster outlets. All tickets are $90.50.

Here’s a reminder, plus lyrics……

She was a fast machine
She kept her motor clean
She was the best damn woman that I ever seen
She had the sightless eyes
Telling me no lies
Knockin’ me out with those American thighs
Taking more than her share
Had me fighting for air
She told me to come but I was already there

‘Cause the walls start shaking
The earth was quaking
My mind was aching
And we were making it and you –

CHORUS:
Shook me all night long
Yeah you shook me all night long

Working double time
On the seduction line
She was one of a kind, she’s just mine all mine
Wanted no applause
Just another course
Made a meal out of me and came back for more
Had to cool me down
To take another round
Now I’m back in the ring to take another swing

‘Cause the walls were shaking
The earth was quaking
My mind was aching
And we were making it and you –

CHORUS

And knocked me out and then you
Shook me all night long
You had me shakin’ and you
Shook me all night long
Yeah you shook me
Well you took me

[INSTRUMENTAL]

Your really took me and you
Yeah you shook me, yeah you shook me
All night long

Ten kinds of awesome, my fellow rockers.

As a season ticket holder to the Jacksonville Axemen, I like to go to all home games, drink the dollar beer and mock the cheerleaders. For those of you who don’t know, the Axemen are our local Rugby League team, and they play at University of North Florida. I should say that they deserve our support because they UTTERLY FUCKING DOMINATED in the first two home games of the season. They have now won four games in a row and sit on top of the ladder. Be proud, Jacksonville.

Conclusive

So far this season, we have played a couple of yankee teams at home and have handed them their scrota on a plate. Seasoned.

I think I know why.

Putting aside the undoubted talents of Australian Spinner Howland, the manager/coach/scrum half (nearly did himself a mischief on Saturday …) they also have a secret weapon in the Pope brothers. Taco and Apple.

You know, Taco Pope and his brother, Apple.

Taco Pope.....

...and his brother, Apple.

These two legends prove the rule that not everyone with hippy parents grows up a Birkenstock-wearing wuss. These guys may well wear Birkys – I don’t know, I don’t care, but you’re not going to mock them for it. They’d steamroller you. They’d rag doll you around the field like you were nothing……..

I hear there is a third one called Pepsi.

I shit you not.

Oh dear. Somebody’s been naughty. This post relates to the mischievous activities of First Coast High School students Ryan Ortagus, 19; Jacob Nolan, 18; and a 17-year-old whose name is unavailable for some legal reason that makes no sense at all.

These “criminals” (the Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office (JSO) are throwing the book at them) committed two heinous crimes: They padlocked their school gates shut one night so that, in the morning, nobody could enter,  and they rearranged the message board outside the school to read:

“GO ORAL CUNTS”

I am sure you agree with me. These kids are not criminals.

They are heroes.

It is with more than a little vicarious pride that I announce that this story has resulted in Jacksonville, Florida being featured on the AWESOME Smoking Gun Website. My favorite bit is where they say:

In an update on his MySpace page, Nolan last night listed his mood as “scared,” and reported that he “spent the day at jail. definitely somewhere i never wanna go again. probably wont graduate, gonna have to pay a ton of money, court june 2nd.”

The entire police report is HERE.

Is anyone else saddened that high-spirits are not recognized as partial mitigation these days?

(Go oral cunts! Lag!)

I only realized the other day that Monty’s had changed its name. Apparently, this happened seven years ago without me noticing. It is now called West Inn Cantina and serves Mexican food. This won’t be news to many (any) of you, but it is noteworthy to me.

Monty’s is something of an institution. Many of my buddies fondly remember underage drinking there back in the day. It is still ON FIRE on Fridays and Saturdays, upsetting Brick and Biscotti’s customers by forcing them to rub shoulders with the kind of people who prefer drinking PBR in a low dive (people like me, basically). Last time I stopped in there on Friday evening  I counted seven drunks bellied up to the bar (including me and two buddies). This is about standard…….

That’s the sort of place it is. An awesome place, basically. But once I had been awakened to the fact that it was a Mexican Restaurant too (who knew?) I realized I would have to try the food. I needed to mentally reconcile both elements of this neighborhood institution – Monty’s and West Inn Cantina: The low dive and the family-friendly restaurant. Was it possible? I didn’t know.

So on Saturday, I went there late afternoon with a small entourage to try the food. I walked in through the door stone cold sober (that’s a first) and was shown by Krystal (lovely, helpful and charming) to a table outside. I ordered a margarita and beer, to be followed by a chicken burrito and a beer. Then I had another margarita, tipped well and left….. And do you know, the food was kind of great……. and I was at no time accosted by drunks.

The experiment was a success. I have reconciled in my own mind the Avondale schizophrenic that is West Inn/Monty’s. It is still a low dive where you can drink confident of the fact that your check will not be very large and that nobody is in a fit condition to judge you. The magic is that you can also take your family for a pleasant Mexican meal if you’re that way inclined.

I just wouldn’t let your mother/kids/grandmother visit the restroom unescorted. In fact, make sure they keep to the street side of the bar………… Also, don’t go there looking for dates. Seriously.

I am excited beyond belief about the Boat Show, this weekend. I wll be covering it throughout, except for a portion of Saturday morning which will be dedicated to mocking the escape artist at the Riverside Arts Market. I will be judging the Boat Show Bikini Contest in an unofficial capacity, tomorrow. See you there?

I have only three words to describe what the weekend is going to be like. Pretty. Fucking. Huge.

For so many of us, life in Jacksonville is intimately connected to the water. Whether its on the St. Johns, the Intercoastal or the ocean, we pretty much all love (if I may steal from The Wind in the Willows), “simply messing about in boats”.

It follows, then, that we need somewhere to buy our boat shit. Our bosuns’ bumholes. Our marlin spikes. Our monkeys’ fists. Also our nautical themed beer koozies and signal flag place-mats.

And our wall clocks in the shape of an olde worlde pirate ship’s wheel.

It's a biggie........

With the arrival at the St. John’s Town Center of the largest West Marine in the world, all those things are now a short drive away.

Seriously, though, I went to the preview opening on Friday and they have everything. The latest in electronics, fishing gear, safety gear – the usual West Marine gear but more of it and better. I nearly (so close) bought an inflatable paddle board for 1200 bucks. That’s how awesome the place’s vibe was…….

Luckily I came to my senses and remembered what I really wanted was a Magnum PI-style surf-ski, preferably of eighties vintage. I made an inquiry and immediately felt bad. They didn’t have one and were MORTIFIED on day one to tell me this…..

I made up for it by buying the most expensive personal flotation device for a Labrador that they had. My dog swims like she’s the offspring of Michael Phelps and Flipper, so it’s never going to be used. I think the staff appreciated the gesture, though.

The best part is that we now have somewhere to go when our womenfolk are in Gucci……