rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

I went to see Harry Brown last night at the 5 Points Theatre (note spelling). You’ll recall from my preview that this is the Michael Caine vehicle about an elderly vigilante in the violent projects of central London. It was even better than I expected, but this did not surprise me. You see, I have this theory that Michael Caine is the greatest man on Earth. The most awesome fella going. The best guy out.

There’s plenty of evidence to support my hypothesis. His canon of work for starters. By itself, the combination of Zulu and  Dirty Rotten Scoundrels gets him halfway there. Factor in Get Carter,  The Italian Job, Hannah and her Sisters (Oscaaaaaar…),  the BRILLIANT imagining of Graham Greene’s The Quiet American, and you have got something pretty special. I could live on a desert island with just his movies (plus the Empire Strikes Back, Weird Science, and Christmas Vacation) for the rest of my life, quite happily.

But actually, the single thing that finally convinced me that this guy eclipses even Oliver Reed‘s awesomeness as a hero and role model, was a quote from The New Yorker, which interviewed him in advance of the release of Harry Brown. Here it is:

Harry Brown is the most fragile, weary, shoot-the-moon vigilante yet. Caine said his key to understanding the character was that he himself once served in Korea:

“When I was nineteen and a soldier, I often wondered how I was going to be if I knew I was going to die. At one point, we were ambushed in the paddy fields, just four of us surrounded by Chinese. And my instinct—which has lasted me the rest of my life—was: All right, I’m going to die. And that’s O.K. But”—he paused and leveled a heavy finger at the recollected enemy, and at any future adversaries—“as many of you as possible are going to die with me. I’ll take the whole fucking lot.” He grinned. “I’m going to die expensive.

What a fucking dead-set legend. I rest my case.

Okay. The time has come for us to talk about Top Gear. If you are familiar with it, you’ll know it is a British show loosely themed around motor vehicles. It’s on BBC America (and available On Demand) and is pretty much the best thing on TV. Seriously. Now that The Wire is finished.

It’s a magazine style show with three forty-something guys living the dream. They get paid ridiculous amounts of money for basically dicking about (like me, in fact). It’s a perfect existence. The budget for the show makes our national budget deficit seem like chump change* – and you can tell. They travel all over the world mocking people and vehicles and they design the most RIDICULOUS and entertaining tests to put cars through their paces. The show claims 350 million viewers worldwide.

I am talking big here, and I am conscious that I will have to demonstrate how good this show is before the faithful adopt it as their own. Fear naught, I have an example for you – I have trawled youtube and found the following, in which one of the team drives a Range Rover in an effort to escape a tank (with which, regular readers will know, I have a mild obsession). This is quite a long clip, but worth every second:

The new series is on BBC America on Mondays at 9 pm (I think. I haven’t looked it up…….). Apparently it has taken off so well in the US that a dedicated US website has been launched. It’s here.

*not really. The budget deficit currently stands a smidgeon more than 42 billion dollars over 11 Trillion……. I hope that hasn’t ruined your Sunday. May I suggest a Bloody Mary?

I’m on my third.

There’s a recession on. All the hot supermodels are marrying losers. And you’re down to your last 3000 rounds of 7.62 link. Your morale is in danger of slipping. You need help.

Run, don’t walk, to the nearest liquor store and procure some Hendricks Gin. Your mood will dictate whether you also buy tonic water and angostura bitters, or a small bottle of Jack for the drive home. Don’t forget the gin, though:

A new design classic......

Carefully mix yourself a large one and sip it slowly. See? It’s like an angel pissing on your tonsils to the sound of trumpets. Result!

Hendrick’s Gin is also on Twitter!

There was a time, when The Simpsons was all I watched on TV. It is now the longest running sitcom going. And available in HD. To commemorate this, a new title sequence has been commissioned. Watch the whole thing:

Don’t miss The Simpsons in HD, Sundays at 8/7c, on Fox.

There has been a lot of online discussion of Vanilla Ice’s recent apology “for his music”. Why? I have no idea.

No apology necessary, Ice. You were right all along, you are a lyrical poet when you kick yo juice. Ice Ice Baby (the biggest selling rap song of all time) has always been a very special tune, bro. Forget the fact that you are 41 and confused through constant drug and alcohol abuse. It’s all goo’.  Remember the goo’ times. Here he is (and I’m following with all the lyrics. Because they are so awesome):

Yo VIP let’s kick it

Ice ice baby (x2)
All right stop collaborate and listen
Ice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
Will it ever stop yo I don’t know
Turn off the lights and I’ll glow
To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle
Dance go rush to the speaker that booms
I’m killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom
Deadly when I play a dope melody
Anything less than the best is a felony
Love it or leave it you better gain weight
You better hit bull’s eye the kid don’t play
If there was a problem yo I’ll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it

CHORUS
Ice ice baby vanillla (x4)

Now that the party is jumping
With the bass kicked in and the vegas are pumpin’
Quick to the point to the point no faking
I’m cooking MC’s like a pound of bacon
Burning them if you ain’t quick and nimble
I go crazy when I hear a cymbal
And a hi-hat with a souped up tempo
I’m on a roll and it’s time to go solo
Rollin’ in my 5.0
With my rag-top down so my hair can blow
The girlies on standby waving just to say hi
Did you stop no I just drove by
Kept on pursuing to the next stop
I busted a left and I’m heading to the next block
The block was dead
Yo so I continued to A1A Beachfront Avenue
Girls were hot wearing less than bikinis
Rockman lovers driving Lamborghinis
Jealous ’cause I’m out getting mine
Shay with a guage and Vanilla with a nine
Reading for the chumps on the wall
The chumps acting ill because they’re so full of eight balls
Gunshots rang out like a bell
I grabbed my nine all I heard were shells
Falling on the concrete real fast
Jumped in my car slammed on the gas
Bumpet to bumper the avenue’s packed
I’m trying to get away before the jackers jack
Police on the scene you know what I mean
They passed me up confronted all the dope fiends
If there was a problem yo I’ll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it

REPEAT CHORUS

Take heed ’cause I’m a lyrical poet
Miami’s on the scene just in case you didn’t know it
My town that created all the bass sound
Enough to shake and kick holes in the ground
‘Cause my style’s like a chemical spill
Feasible rhymes that you can vision and feel
Conducted and formed
This is a hell of a concept
We make it hype and you want to step with this
Shay plays on the fade slice like a ninja
Cut like a razor blade so fast other DJs say damn
If my rhyme was a drug I’d sell it by the gram
Keep my composure when it’s time to get loose
Magnetized by the mic while I kick my juice
If there was a problem yo I’ll solve it
Check out the hook while Shay revolves it

Ice ice baby vanilla
Ice ice baby (oh-oh) vanilla
Ice ice baby vanilla
Ice ice baby vanilla ice
Yo man let’s get out of here
Word to your mother
Ice ice baby too cold
Ice ice baby too cold too cold (x2)
Ice ice baby

Just awesome. Word to all y’alls mothers.

I generally get wine delivered by the case to Bones HQ. It is a system that can be automated, so I do not have to rely on my sundry minions to make choices for me. Thus I avoid the traumatic clusterfucks of the past (Chinese Sparkling Wine-Drink? I think not, Donald).

Occasionally, however, I am missing something from my cellar. A couple of days ago, it was noted by my Regular Thing that we had run out of Muscat which had been earmarked for “dessert” (we were giving dinner to some business magnates who had flown in, eager to hear my post-France report. They rely on me for updates on various matters of significance…..). When these situations arise there is only one person to see: Bernie, at Wine Warehouse, on Edgewood.

Now I love wine (and most other boozes). But I adore beer. That’s a fact. So, imagine my delight when my Regular Thing came back, not only with the required Muscat, but also with a beer I have never tried before. Now try and imagine my joy when it turned out to be DOUBLE AWESOME!

A Delicious Beverage

I would say, actually, that I enjoyed this Lagunitas IPA more than a Dogfish Head IPA (60, I mean. The others cannot be beat). I know that India Pale Ales are massively over-exposed at the moment, but I am excusing myself by simply stating that they are particularly delicious…….

Go and see Bernie and get half a dozen of these badgers. You won’t regret it.

Many would agree with me that it is not Christmas without Christmas Vacation. It’s the gold standard of the Vacation movies, and lays out a blueprint that anyone can follow to ensure “the happ, happ, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby danced with Danny fucking Kaye…..”

It’s midday. I have closed down Bones HQ, sent the team back to their countries of origin, stood-up the sentry droids, and am going for a lunchtime beer. I’ll post some more, over the next couple of days…. maybe…..

…but in the meantime, mele kalikimaka, y’all!

Christmas starts here…….

Yesterday was so great. After returning from my day-trip to the Big Peach (lame), I sank into my favorite armchair with a large Glenfiddich and received an encrypted report from my agent at the Playboy castings. This satisfactorily completed, I switched on the TV. Someone had been monkeying with it, because it was not on the Military Channel. It was on a channel called Encore Love (suspect…..) and, as fortune would have it, one of the best films ever made was beginning.

I am talking about Weird Science.

Q: Why are we wearing bras on our heads? A: Ritual.

Those who are old enough will recall the movie being one of John Hughes’ 80’s masterpieces (can we say National Lampoon’s Vacation, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, The Breakfast Club, Planes, Trains & Automobiles ?). It’s about two dweebs who make and use a hot babe with an early home computer, a telephone modem and an old copy of National Geographic.

The babe in question is English temptress Kelly LeBrock ( I have just looked her up on the usual source and found out she is not English at all and I have been living a lie for twenty years). She later, amusingly, married Steven Seagal (Hollywood style – it didn’t last) and then became a celebrity fat person, like Kirsty Alley.

That the movie is so awesome owes little to LeBrock, but a lot to the young actors (where [and who] are they now?). The drunk scene in the jazz club  and the ritual which accompanies the ‘manufacture’ of the perfect woman is priceless comedy, as is the dispatch of the mutant warriors who crash the boys’ party.

Bizarrely, Encore Love only awarded it a single star in its review. Not credible. Who are these idiots?

We have many readers who were not born when this movie came out, so here’s one of my favorite scenes  to give you the general idea:

For those who have seen it, you’ll appreciate my consternation at the fact that my brothers have never stopped calling me Chet……..

Full disclosure – the guy in this who looks like the love child of Elvis Costello and Woody Allen is distantly related to me by blood. That is why, despite the glasses and jewfro, he is so fucking cool.

They are Midnight Youth in New York currently from New Zealand (yes, there are branches of the Bones family everywhere). They are being hyped by everyone as the next big thing and I could not agree more. Their debut single is The Letter. It is awesome. Buy it on itunes.

The only drawback is that I think one of the band is an emo.* (which I hate).

*emo watch – coming to a Jacksonville-based website near you soon!

The last Bond post resulted in an email in-box full of requests from the ladies for this picture:

We have the same personal trainer.......

I figure this will earn me some points for the new pic of Lohan’s rack I have been sitting on.