rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

One of the questions I get asked the most is “Why is your personal  security detail recruited almost entirely from the Slavic peoples? Russians, Ukrainians and whatnot?” Well, there are two reasons – the first is that Chechens abhor my opulent (some would say sybaritic) lifestyle…., so I have  yet to successfully recruit one of them (which I’d prefer), and second, this:

Worth watching. A slack handful of these guys, with a sprinkling of USMC Recon, British Paras and a single Canadian sniper and I could die of old age defending this hill.

As we approach North Florida’s seven month long summer, I want to offer a word of warning about the perils of sunbathing. Falling asleep on the beach after a liquid lunch at Pete’s can have dire effects. Kardashian Sr. found out the hard way and decided (impressively) to post the evidence on her Twitter account:

Her rack escaped relatively unscathed. Phew.

Speaking of Twitter, I twat regularly. To follow Joe Bones click HERE

I saw an immaculately dressed lady walking down the road at Atlantic Beach this morning. I noticed  she was carrying an awesome purse in the messenger bag-style. I have trained myself to notice these kinds of details, believing this to be one of the best lifestyle optimization skills going. Noticing details about people allows you to converse knowledgeably with them on subjects that interest them and make them happy. In the case of clothes and accessories it further allows you to keep mental notes of options for future gifts that might help you manage those sticky-situations with our womenfolk that we all (let’s face it) find ourselves in from time to time. I am also good at haircuts and boob jobs. Noticing them I mean…..

I inquired politely about the purse. The lady’s face lit up and I basked in her happiness. I felt great. She enthusiastically explained that it was the Gucci Sand Python. Unfortunately, it has to be pre-ordered, so it’s of limited use for getting you out of the shit in quick-time. You could always order one in advance, I suppose (a just-in-case option that I would not discount if you’re feeling especially mischievous). Good to know, anyway.

You can order it HERE.