rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

Various sources report that stills said to be taken from a celebrity sex tape starring Britters (taped during that period in which she went doolally and absconded to Mexico in a pink wig with a scumbag paparazzi) were made exclusively available yesterday on the 97.9 Kiss FM Jacksonville website. I saw them last night, but cannot find them on the site now. They have now become available widely on other sites though they still bear the 97.9 logo. Google it if you are interested. I could link to them, but I am going to take a rare stand on moral grounds.

Am I alone in wanting all this madness to end? I wish that we could turn back the clock. Bring the wheels of time to a stop. Back to a time, when life was so much better:

Remember this girl?

Did anyone spot the Johnny Hates Jazz lyrics above?

If you did, you should be ashamed. They were beyond crap.

A few minutes ago, those comedians in the House of Representatives voted down the so-called 700 billion dollar Wall Street Bailout causing the Dow to plummet 670 points (whatever that means) further weakening an already weak market. This made a lot of traditional investors sad and cross at the same time.

I thought footage of Vice Presidential candidate Sarah “Good News McGee” Palin in a swimsuit might lighten the mood a little:

Did that help?

Thought it might.

I am always amazed by how many readers rivercityvibe has in other countries. I have monitoring software originally developed for the CSS which allows me to pinpoint readers’ exact locations, wherever they might be. All the evidence points to rivercityvibe being a  global phenomenon.

[In fact, I’d like to take this opportunity to give a big shout out to our lone but loyal reader in Tuvalu (pop. 11,000). Tuvalu mo te Atua, buddy!]

My point is, not everyone who reads this is from the First Coast. Some readers will not have the same terms of reference as us, and may be surprised to read this sort of thing, spotted in the local rag, this weekend:

[an alligator] was seen last year crossing the Oklawaha River with a black bear in his maw.

To us, that’s pretty routine. To see alligators with black bears in their mouths (or maws -nice touch). Our local fauna snack on black bears. No big deal. Particularly given the size of the fucker:

Got him in the end.

Anyway, the guys in the picture track and kill enormous great big alligators for a living. That’s the way we roll, here in North Florida. Facts, from the paper (check out the last one):

– The Florida record for the biggest gator caught is 14 feet and 5/8th inches, taken from Lake Monroe in Seminole County.

– The heaviest gator on record was a male measuring 13 feet and 101/2 inches long and weighing 1,043 pounds.

– The population of alligators in Florida was in danger in the mid-1960s, but they have come back strong. Biologists estimate the state’s gator population is 1.25 million.

– Since 1948, the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission has documented 356 alligator attacks on humans. Of those, 25 were fatal. Nine other cases involved humans who might have been dead before the attack.

Only 25. Doesn’t seem many…….

I have lost the will to live. It turns out that one of Joe’s babes foolishly got married this weekend. My agents tell me that the lovely Scarlett Johansson married a Canadian, in Canada, on Saturday.

May I remind readers that Scarlett is tipped to play the lead role in the upcoming biopic of 80’s TV legend Jenna Jameson.

The Florida Times-Union is reporting that Forest Whitaker, the actor who won an academy award for his portrayal of Ugandan despot Idi Amin Dada in The Last King of Scotland, will be campaigning for Barack Obama in Jacksonville, tomorrow.

Sporting a Glengarry.......

The paper says,

Whitaker will speak about 11  a.m. in the Milne Auditorium on Edward Waters’ campus about the important of college students registering to vote. The speech is free to all. He’ll then head to UNF’s campus to speak about 12:15 p.m. on The Green. He’ll then travel to other campuses across Florida.

I am imagine being a good 250 lbs and being a black belt in karate, Mr. Whitaker hasn’t experienced the same kind of challenges other folks named Forest ritually face these days.

(He really is a black belt. Look it up).

The longer I live in Jacksonville, the more weirdos I come across. Eccentrics, obsessive enthusiasts and out-and-out lunatics all rub shoulders on the banks of the St. Johns River. They form multiple subcultures, of which many of us remain totally unaware

They usually welcome Joe with open arms. They understand that I have a duty to my public to report the peculiar. So, this is the first in an occasional series. We’re starting with the local chapter of the Laurel & Hardy Worldwide Fan Club.

"C'mon Stanley..."

Now, my agents tell me that this whole Laurel and Hardy Fan Club gig is bigger than Ben Hur. Apparently its a GLOBAL movement, like the boy scouts or Al Qaeda. They are called “the Sons of the Desert”. WIKIPEDIA says:

The Sons of the Desert is a Laurel and Hardy appreciation group founded in 1965 by L & H biographer and admirer John McCabe. There are now chapters all over the world. The organization was named after the comedy film Sons of the Desert.

Each local chapter is known as a “tent” and is named after one of the comedy team’s movie titles. For example, the Hollywood tent is called “Way Out West,” the Boston members are the “Brats,” and the Glasgow Sons belong to “Bonnie Scotland.”

Jacksonville’s ‘Tent’ is the “Any Old Port Tent“. You see what they did there? Nice.

Any old Jaxport

“Tent” meetings take place monthly and movies are shown. The movie Any Old Port which I saw on TV when I was 8, is described on the ‘Tent” website:

Ashore from a whaling voyage, Stan and Ollie check into a seedy hotel, to find a equally seedy proprietor trying to force a young girl to marry him. They rescue a girl but leave their money behind. To raise some cash, Ollie happens upon an old friend who is looking for boxers for a prize fight. He offers Ollie $50.00 for a boxer. Ollie accepts the offer, unbeknown to Stan, Ollie plans to have Stan take part in the fight as a boxer. Once in the ring they find the identity of his opponent to be the angry hotel owner!

The usual.

For more information about the Sons of the Desert and specifically, the Any Old Port “Tent”  email grandsheik@asu2000.net. Or call Joseph Fortunato on 904 443 2828.

Tell him that Harold Lloyd sent you.

Bozo and Coco

Isn’t it rich?
Are we a pair?
Me here at last on the ground,
You in mid-air.
Send in the clowns.

Isn’t it bliss?
Don’t you approve?
One who keeps tearing around,
One who can’t move.
Where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns.

Don’t you love farce?
My fault I fear.
I thought that you’d want what I want.
Sorry, my dear.
But where are the clowns?
Quick, send in the clowns.
Don’t bother, they’re here.

As promised, here’s one for the ladies. Matt McConaughey. The Tom Selleck of the 21st Century.

Which brings me on to one of my absolute favorite topics, Magnum PI.

He's seen something. In the distance.

You may or may not know that Matt McConaughey ( I find ‘Matthew’ a little too formal) has been cast as Thomas Sullivan Magnum (head of security at Robin Masters’ Hawaii estate, Private Investigator and former Navy SEAL) in the upcoming Big Screen version of what, to the mind of Joe Bones, is the best TV drama ever…..

(You see what I did there? How I tricked you? you thought this was a post for the ladies, and now we are talking about SEALS and private investigators. It’s only a matter of time before we mention bikinis and beer….)

Anyway, I wasn’t going to talk about my Magnum PI obsession for a few months. Saving it for later. But in the River City, where we are surrounded by retired and active Navy personnel with operational experience (just like Magnum, T.C., and Rick) I know there are others among you who own all eight series on DVD  who’d love a post like this.

So that’s the original version, but the movie is in production. I never thought much about McConaughey’s acting talent until I saw him in Tropic Thunder (in which, had Tom Cruise not given the comedy performance of a lifetime, he would have stolen the show). But the guys doing the casting for the Magnum PI movie know their shit. They have cast William H Macy as Jonathan Quayle Higgins and Tyrese Gibson as Theodore “TC” Calvin. Steve Zahn as Rick. It will not destroy the franchise. It will enhance it.

“Zeus. Apollo. Patrol!”

God knows how much money I have poured in to Starbucks to drive productivity and satisfy the cravings of my various minions. Come 10.30 am, the Starbucks run became a feature of life at Bones HQ. Whether we were planning a Central American coup or simply designing new GM crops, nothing got done without a paper cup of coffee with a recycled cardboard band around it.

Then I realized the coffee tasted fucking awful.

So we switched to Caffino. It is that preposterous little kiosk on Roosevelt that looks like it belongs on the Truman Show….. The coffee is noticeably better, it is a drive-thru and they have various incentive schemes too, which makes it cheaper in the long run. BAGUS!

We have a winner!

Also, they appear to have done away with that Barista code-talk. You know the one – where “Room for cream” really means “Only half a cup of coffee”……

With US Capital markets crashing down around our ears like Twin City Bridges, you’ll be glad to know that Wall Street Bail-Outs are not just for the banks anymore. The folks over at buymyshitpile.com are compelling Henry Paulson to buy everyone’s “distressed assets.”

All your economic problems solved........

They say,

With our economy in crisis, the US Government is scrambling to rescue our banks by purchasing their “distressed assets”, i.e., assets that no one else wants to buy from them. We figured that instead of protesting this plan, we’d give regular Americans the same opportunity to sell their bad assets to the government.

Pure genius.

For the record, the Bones family wealth is safe, invested heavily in Conflict Diamonds and old Soviet nukes. We’ll be fine.