rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

Jaime Pressly, who I had never heard of until she played herself as one of Vinnie Chase’s pieces of strange in Entourage, has apparently split up with her boyfriend, resulting in her questionable mugshot being posted all over the interweb.   I have to say, I am not impressed. Am I the only one that finds her a little …. man-ish?

I will no doubt get called out on this point. I can see the conversation now:

Misguided fool: “But she’s beautiful. Her features are ‘elfin'”

Joe Bones: “Yeah, I hate ‘elfin’. Apart from the pointy nose thing, it is often used as code for  ‘no tits’.”

Misguided fool: “Oh”

To misquote the Bee Gees, I win again!

Most of us ate bar food last night. Around about my 5th beer, I had something of a Damascene experience. I identified a hitherto overlooked component of US greatness.

The Buffalo Wing.

Be proud, America!

Stories about how these all-American foodstuffs came to be are legion. My favorite, from the usual source, goes like this:

One story is that Buffalo wings were first prepared at the Anchor bar, located at 1047 Main Street (between North Street and Best Street) in Buffalo, New York, USA on October 3, 1964, by Teressa Bellisimo, co-owner of the Anchor Bar with her husband Frank. Upon the unannounced, late-night arrival of their son, Dominic (and several of his friends from college), Teressa needed a fast and easy snack to present to her hungry guests. It was then that she came up with the idea of deep frying chicken wings (normally thrown away or reserved for stock) and tossing them in cayenne hot sauce

We tend to dispense with the word ‘Buffalo’ locally, referring to them as ‘chicken’ or ‘hot’ wings’. The fact remains the innovation of  delicious food that goes with beer is one of the things that makes America great.

Hot, medium or mild?

Don’t go breaking my heart
You take the weight off me
Honey when you knocked on my door
I gave you my key

Nobody knows it
When I was down
I was your clown
Nobody knows it
Right from the start
I gave you my heart
I gave you my heart

So don’t go breaking my heart
I won’t go breaking your heart
Don’t go breaking my heart

And nobody told us
`Cause nobody showed us
And now it’s up to us babe
I think we can make it

So don’t misunderstand me
You put the light in my life
You put the sparks to the flame
I’ve got your heart in my sights

Apparently, writers on websites like these are supposed to adhere to the golden rule of not ‘clustering’ stories on the same subject together, instead spreading them out over decent periods of time. In normal circumstances, I would comply, but right now, I am so fucking bored with this election, I must post about Heidi Klum again or remove my ear drums with an oyster shucker.

I know, deep down, that Heidi is a vacuous, over-serious, German bore with an annoying child’s sense of humor. These are all minuses in my book*. She has big pluses, though, in that she is no-holds-barred hot and she keeps doing things that I respect. One of those things is this ad (for God-only-knows-what), based on Tom Cruise’s CLASSIC performance in Risky Business (1983):

Awesome. I know some ladies who would benefit greatly from studying the techniques used in this very carefully.

(*Kommen! Kann nicht sie einen witz nehmen?)

I went to see RocknRolla this weekend, primarily to express support for Guy Ritchie in his hilarious divorce battle with Madonna. It is what critics since the Italian Job have referred to as a ‘British crime caper.’ (Indeed that is the only use of the word ‘caper’ you will see these days. The word has become solely associated with violent but funny movies that claim to be about the London underworld. It’s true. I’ve checked).

The bottom line is, if you liked Snatch and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, you’ll like this –  I did. There are some interesting elements to it. The role of a Russian oligarch, clearly based on Roman Abramovich (right down to the soccer stadium offices) was a nice touch. I liked his use of ex-Russian military hardmen who spend their downtime comparing wounds gained fighting in Chechnya. They pursue the likable protagonists Terminator-style, providing some of the most unpleasant violence of the movie and some of the best laughs.

Great characters abound. As in most of his movies Ritchie manages to sketch them out in a pretty short space of time.  In the running for the best is the character of Johnny Quidd a crack-head rock star who has a reputation for consistently faking his own death (a reputation Bones once shared. But that’s for another time…..)

Good movie. Go see it. Remember, if visiting AMC Orange Park, use the buddy-system and be prepared to break down into pairs fire-and-maneuver at a moment’s notice….

It is well known among the cognoscenti that Heidi Klum is a big fan of dressing up. She loves Halloween more than most 6 year olds and always comes up with an outfit that is amazing. This is this year’s:

Hindu groups have protested.

When assessing the relative awesomeness of costumes please benchmark against Joe’s celebrated ‘gay construction worker’ outfit which is still talked about in some circles. Who knew that the addition of a droopy mustache and a rainbow lightning helmet sticker would be so transformational?

At the end of last week I promised to follow-up with you about the Bond Girl, Olga Kurylenko, who featured as the subject of Something for the Weekend # 4. And judging by your emails, she was a very popular subject.

That’s my genius.

It seems, however, that certain parties are not as impressed. The London Telegraph reports:

The Communists of St. Petersburg and Leningrad Region, a hardline splinter group, issued a blood-curdling tirade against Kurylenko, saying that she had betrayed her homeland by appearing with James Bond and deserved the fate of World War II traitors who slept with “enemies of the people.”

In a Stalinist-style open letter, posted on its website yesterday, the Communists described James Bond as an “American spy” who had killed “hundreds of Soviet people and their allies.”

Before we dissect this, let’s remind ourselves just who this is aimed at:

Hi. It's me - from Friday.

There appears to be a disconnect, somewhere. First, unless I am very much mistaken, the Bond films are fictional. Second, Bond is supposed to be British, and third (and this is what perplexes me the most) Russia isn’t communist any more. Is it?

The Telegraph’s  final paragraph puts it in context. Clearly someone in the press office at the Communist Party of St. Petersburg is having a laugh at the expense of the western media:

The group, which claims 500 members, has also condemned Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, which features an evil KGB agent played by Cate Blanchett.

Saturday was a day that will be remembered in infamy by my regular thing. It was she who had to scrape me off the tarmac outside the YMCA whence I had wandered, apparently, from the Landing, which I had reached, evidently, via some watercraft or other after a prolonged tailgating session…….

Needless to say, the tailgating was beyond awesome. The festive mood was off the dial and Gator’s and Dawgs alike approached the celebrations in a mood of mutual admiration and commitment to shared fellowship.

Well some of them did. Others, like these guys below,  sought to subvert the whole deal by masquerading as Dawgs when they were really dyed-in-the-wool Gators. They effectively established a fifth column among Dawg supporters:

Consorting with the enemy?

All is revealed

I am already looking forward to next year.

What’s that?

You want to know the score?

You mean who won the game?

I haven’t a clue. Google it.