rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

It is no secret that rivercityvibe was inspired  and encouraged by my blood brother, Seth Rotherham.

Seth and I go way back. We stole some horses together* and had some good times. His website 2oceansvibe.com is based in Cape Town, South Africa, and is by way of being the biggest so-called blog in the whole of Africa. Anyway, he is a multi-talented genius (although I can strip a Kalash faster than him). He is particularly (some would say SUPERNATURALLY) talented in the area of stirring up controversy.

Seth consoles Joe's ex-girlfriend....

His latest effort reaches new heights of hilarity. He has mocked, mercilessly, the South African version of American Idol – called Idols. He has done so in a way that has forced the judges to respond, and, as a result, is now in the position of having accepted one of the judges offers to meet face-to-face by challenging him to A CHARITY BOXING MATCH. Here’s the challenge:

For the full story, including transcripts of the judge’s replies, go here (look for some bomb-throwing by yours truly in the comments).

(*not literally. It’s an expression I made up to mean “we faced some companionable hardships together”)

Katy Perry is no more than average hotness. Her face is a little ‘iffy’. She does have the most amazing body going though, and is NOT AFRAID to use it. Here she is, playing to her strengths, at the Grammys, last night:

Done it again

We have had cause to notice this young lady before. She is becoming a firm favorite of the rivercityvibe faithful.

The ridiculous weather conditions, which saw thick ice forming on my boat and forced me to break out clothes that I usually reserve for skiing vacations, are past. I have spoken to one of my assets at NOAA and they have confirmed that the summer starts here. We’re easing it in with a few days in the low seventies. Back to shorts, y’all (though I’ll kind of miss my Inuit Fishing Cap).

I will swim in the Ocean before February is out.

One side effect of the weather is to bring humidity levels to record lows at Bones HQ. These old Florida houses are designed to stay cool – not an ideal attribute when it’s BALTIC outside. Worried about my dog’s skin, I blew fifty bucks on a humidifier.

It was crap. It raised the humidity not at all. If any eggheads are reading this and can explain to me why the Vick’s Ultrasonic Humidifier does not work, I’d be grateful.

God. That was so boring I feel honor-bound to give you a picture of Lindsay on the beach:

It's nice and warm again.

A special treat for you, this week. This picture is what those of us in the business call a “scene” – a picture that uses background and scenery to hint at a story or create an ambiance. It involves the use of “properties” or “props” (noticeably, in this case, a couple of pineapples).

The model is the indescribably beautiful Jessica White.

At least I think it's a pineapple

Jessica White hails from Buffalo NY – a place that’s already in my good books for being the ancestral home of chicken wings.

The usual source tells me that:

In 2003, White was chosen for a coveted shoot in Sports Illustrated‘s famed Swimsuit Issue. She was also featured in the 2004, 2005, 2007, 2008 and 2009 issues….. She holds the distinction of being the only Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model to appear on the cover in a body painting although only as an inset.

Not many people know that.

Occasionally we get members of the faithful sending in links with simple messages that show they 100% ‘get’ rivercityvibe and all it stands for. One such reader, Elizabeth, did this today, sending me a link and following message:

“Great for rivercityvibe. Even got a German in it”

That was it, that was the whole message. And do you know, she is right! It is great for rivercityvibe.

The link is to our good friends at Gawker.com. They are running a video montage of weather man fuck-ups in honor of the fact that today (With BALTIC temperatures in North Florida) is National Weatherman Day.

Weathermen, I have written about before. Germans, I write about constantly. There are both here:

Priceless humor.

Now perhaps they can stop goofing around and do something about humidity levels in 32210 (23%, currently. Unhealthy).)

Police-involved-shootings are close to being the “brand essence” of Jacksonville. Apparently, we’ve only had two so far today. Just the two. I like to think of it as “a pair” of police-involved-shootings. It’s 11.30 am. Let’s see if the JSO can set a record by nightfall.

Reach for the sky, Jacksonville!

I am very open to the concept that every one of the criminals gunned down over the last 12 months deserved it, by the way. Its less a deal about the five-oh and more a measure of the dire crime situation here. Also, I REALLY like to mock authority. I regard it as healthy. Like loving animals and being cynical about the media (I feel that authoring a self-help book is in my future…..)

BTW, while we’re taking a turn to negative town, can someone please tell me when this freak cold weather is due to depart. I am sick of it. It is like Greenland out there.

I really despise the institution of marriage. Its initial effect (with a few rare, golden exceptions) is to turn otherwise smoking hot babes into frumpy Pottery Barn shoppers. This is compounded by the arrival of kids, and it is only when the kids are old enough to fend for themselves that the inner babe reawakens, invests in a new rack and pulls out the Chanel sunglasses and the Jimmy Choos.

Look at this example. Scarlett Johansson, who foolishly got married some months ago, has foregone her  customary blond, for brown. This, as any gentleman will attest, is a VERY foolish move.

Not acceptable at all.

I mean, do I have to spell it out? The made a movie about it for chrissakes!

I hear she has also joined the junior league and is moving to Fleming Island.

Actors can be assholes. That’s a given. They think because they are adored by Joe Public that normal rules don’t apply. They also think that pretending to be someone else and having it filmed is important work. It’s not. It’s just entertainment. Particularly when compared with the work I do,  saving the world from Russian ultra nationalists via the medium of Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare.

There are plenty of examples of diva behavior, temper tantrums and unbelievable arrogance, but perhaps the best I have EVER heard is Christian Bale going off the deep end on the set of Terminator 4.

This counts as"one for the ladies"

Our great buddies at TMZ describe the incident:

During a scene, Shane Hurlbut (seriously), director of cinematography, screwed up a shot — at least in Christian’s mind. We’re told Bale went wild, screaming “I will kick your ass” along with some other choice remarks. Several hundred people — including Military Police — heard the outburst, which was described as “intense.”

You can listen to his foul-mouthed outburst by clicking here.

My younger brother had all of the GI Joe stuff. Cobra Commander, the tank, the silly dog and the motorcycle with the sidecar machine gun. I have fond memories using these military assets to ‘invade’ my other brother’s bedroom. We had inserted Special Forces observers some days earlier. They lurked on the curtain rail, observing all. There was a black kayak involved. I forget now…….

Anyway, these memories are likely to be either enhanced or completely ruined by the new GI Joe movie trailered during the Superbowl. I can’t make my mind up whether it will be awesome or unawesome. Take a look:

God, I love CGI.

“Bones was alive again. Consciousness was upon him before he could get out of the way; not for him the slow, gracious wandering from the halls of sleep, but a summary, forcible ejection. He lay sprawled, too wicked to move, spewed up like a broken spider-crab on the tarry shingle of the morning. The light did him harm, but not so much as looking at things did; he resolved, having done it once, never to move his eyeballs again. A dusty thudding in his head made the scene before him beat like a pulse. His mouth had been used as a latrine by some small creature of the night, and then as its mausoleum. During the night, too, he’d somehow been on a cross-country run and then been expertly beaten up by secret police. He felt bad.”