rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

I have railed on crime in Jacksonville on rivercityvibe before. Like many of our citizens I would like to see the number of Police-involved shootings decrease, but not at the expense of an increase in other shootings- the ones with no law enforcement involved. I am convinced that some of the manpower issues the JSO have can be solved through outsourcing. Basically, what Jacksonville needs is some kind of costumed super hero. Maybe like this guy:

The gentleman above is Dark Guardian (DG) and he is one of the increasing number of real-life superheroes taking the fight to the criminals and evil-doers of their hometowns. Most are members of local “Justice League”-type groups and nearly all are members of the unbelievably awesome World Superhero Registry. Here is one of the coolest, on patrol in Cincinnati. I give you Shadowhare:

Why don’t we have one? I’m too dangerous. My skills are too extreme and it wouldn’t be fair on the bad guys. But surely there’s someone who could step up to the plate and begin costumed patrols of the Northside.

He could be called “Jaguar…..!”

Cometh the moment, cometh the man (or woman. Women could do it too). If such a hero exists in our river city, I wish them the very best of luck………….

Do you know a Jacksonville superhero? Please email of you do. (Let’s be clear, here. I’m talking about crimefighters. Don’t waste my time with people who’ve overcome adversity, your mom, or your third grade teacher…….)

It’s not often I am sent something which genuinely blows me away, but I was today. I haven’t kept up on my wicked A-1 to-the-max bike stunts. I’m still scarred by the experience of taking my bicycle in to that one bike shop in Avondale where they first applauded me on what an awesome bike I had and then coyly suggested that it was a classic of the old school and belonged in a museum. Even if I had, it would be unlikely I’d be anywhere near this:

The guy is Danny MacAskill and the usual source link is HERE. Rad to the power of SICK, for sure.

Update: I have just seen that Seth is running this too. Word to the wise: If you want something to go truly viral, do something truly awesome.

I have always been mildly irritated by Oscar Winner Julia Roberts. She gives off, to my mind, a privileged, Hollywood, insulated-from reality vibe. I also thought she might be a little dim, despite her Academy Award. Having seen her performance at a celebration of Tom Hanks’ career (an actor for whom I have similar [but emphatically not the same] feelings), I am changing my mind. The old media and much of the new are headlining this with the fact that she used the word ‘fuck’ in her speech. I really don’t know what to say to that, it’s so lame. I think her speech was funny and well-judged, revealing a side to her that I have always hoped existed (to complement her undoubted hotness). Check it out. NSFW if you work somewhere where the word “fuck” is banned in its spoken form:

Did you know that Julia Roberts was from Atlanta? NO? Me neither. She is.

Rivercityvibe favorite Lindsay Lohan has taken it upon herself to rehabilitate her (unfairly) damaged reputation by appearing as often as possible in public in her bikini. I have to say, it’s a strategy that is paying dividends in zip code 32210. I have straw-polled many of my friends (of both sexes) on this issue and they agree, she couldn’t be doing better……….

There are about a million more of these pictures appearing almost hourly on the worldwide interweb. The Paparazzi (who hate her, apparently) are basically camped out in a circle around her. It’s like they are the photographic equivalent of a  Joint Air Attack Team (JAAT) and they have drawn her in to their killing zone.

It’s uncanny how accurate that simile is. I have a gift, for sure.

When I first heard of the uproar in New York over an Air Force One lookey-likey flying low over the city for a photo op, I was inclined to dismiss it, citing Bones Rule #3 (“Everyone is outraged about everything. All the time”). This inclination grew stronger when I heard of the reaction of that blowhard Mayor Bloomberg, stamping his feet and snorting.

Then I saw the footage from on the ground:

This brought home to me precisely how visceral the reaction of New Yorker’s must have been. It is the White House and the Pentagon’s responsibility to take this into account and plan for it (a simple public service announcement would have sufficed), but they didn’t, so the man responsible, Louis Caldera, wins rivercityvibe’s Assclown of the Week. Well done, Louis.

Caldera is the Director of the White House Military Office. There have been calls for him to resign, or be fired. Frankly, if the Director of the CIA didn’t resign after 9/11, and the Secretary of Defense didn’t resign after the failure to find WMD in Iraq, there’s probably no case for this. Right? That’s the way we roll, these days? Nobody need resign. Ever.

But he is an assclown, nevertheless.

If you can stand living among fascist zealots who try to ban nature, Gallant Sea Manor, a luxury property at Vero Beach, might just be for you. Plenty of room for the drunk spring-breakers you rescue from the fun-police and their stormtroopers:

The property was built by the Wackenhut family (made-up name). Luxist tells us:

Gallant Sea Manor commands a prime chunk of waterfront real estate on Orchid Island across the Indian River intracoastal from the city of Vero Beach, Florida. The huge French Normandy style manor was created and built by George Wackenhut in 1998 and includes over five acres of land with over 360 feet of prime ocean frontage.

It’s on the market for a COOL 36.9 million bucks. But hey, the furnishings come with it. Word of Warning, however. See that “zebra-skin” rug in the picture above? I have one in the library at Bones’ Hideout. It is actually painted cow hide. True story.

I’m considering it. But to swing it I’d have to sell some of my weapons grade uranium. And to be honest, I’m not quite there yet……..

What with the recession and all.

It turns out that a super-hot model teacher has appeared in Playboy, and been fired for it. Math, teacher? No. English teacher? No. History Teacher? No? Physics teacher? No. I could go on all day, but I’ll just tell you. This teacher taught cheerleading.

Well, they didn’t make them like that when I was at High School (though I never went in for cheerleading. Bridge Club and Junior Christian Fellowship were more my bag*). The teacher is Carlie Christine formerly of Casa Robles High School in Orangevale, California. CBS 13 reports:

“And I was in shock that I knew the girls had seen it and knew about it,” a parent told CBS13. A lot of parents and faculty are talking and looking.

“The whole football team has seen it,” says one parent.

No shit, Sherlock. What amazes me, in this day and age, is that appearing nude in Playboy is considered a bad thing. More of that weird puritan double-standard we have here. Here’s another picture, for luck:

*Obviously, I’m kidding. I didn’t belong to any clubs at school. The Awesome Club and the Fucking Legend Club? They belonged TO ME!

I only realized the other day that Monty’s had changed its name. Apparently, this happened seven years ago without me noticing. It is now called West Inn Cantina and serves Mexican food. This won’t be news to many (any) of you, but it is noteworthy to me.

Monty’s is something of an institution. Many of my buddies fondly remember underage drinking there back in the day. It is still ON FIRE on Fridays and Saturdays, upsetting Brick and Biscotti’s customers by forcing them to rub shoulders with the kind of people who prefer drinking PBR in a low dive (people like me, basically). Last time I stopped in there on Friday evening  I counted seven drunks bellied up to the bar (including me and two buddies). This is about standard…….

That’s the sort of place it is. An awesome place, basically. But once I had been awakened to the fact that it was a Mexican Restaurant too (who knew?) I realized I would have to try the food. I needed to mentally reconcile both elements of this neighborhood institution – Monty’s and West Inn Cantina: The low dive and the family-friendly restaurant. Was it possible? I didn’t know.

So on Saturday, I went there late afternoon with a small entourage to try the food. I walked in through the door stone cold sober (that’s a first) and was shown by Krystal (lovely, helpful and charming) to a table outside. I ordered a margarita and beer, to be followed by a chicken burrito and a beer. Then I had another margarita, tipped well and left….. And do you know, the food was kind of great……. and I was at no time accosted by drunks.

The experiment was a success. I have reconciled in my own mind the Avondale schizophrenic that is West Inn/Monty’s. It is still a low dive where you can drink confident of the fact that your check will not be very large and that nobody is in a fit condition to judge you. The magic is that you can also take your family for a pleasant Mexican meal if you’re that way inclined.

I just wouldn’t let your mother/kids/grandmother visit the restroom unescorted. In fact, make sure they keep to the street side of the bar………… Also, don’t go there looking for dates. Seriously.

I have commented often on the importance of blondes in my life. There are many, many super-hot brunettes, and even the odd redhead meets the selector’s standards (Lohan), but as a matter of personal preference, Joe Bones, prefers a blonde when he can get one.

Now, it has been noted that this policy is at odds with my unwillingness to forgive that famously blonde nation, Germany, for it’s actions in WWII ( The Japanese were no saints, either, BTW, as the people of Hawaii and my grandfather will attest). I can only say that it is really not the Aryan perfection of, say, Heidi Klum, that I am talking about. I don’t mind bottle-blondes, to be honest.

Some people understand this. Kardashian has come round, for example. But, regrettably, her efforts to become blonde earn her a rivercityvibe fail:

Not anywhere near enough

You have to take your hat off to her, though. She is doing her very best. She should be applauded for it, but like a child, she must also be told where she has gone wrong.

It’s like a public service for celebs, rivercityvibe………

It’s about time we had Kelly Brook. She meets the required standard.

For those who want the details, Kelly Brook is the ex-girlfriend of Billy Zane. A guy who we deeply respect, here at rivercityvibe.

And not JUST because he dated Brook.