rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

I went to see Star Trek at Orange Park on Sunday. I had taken the precaution of slowly medicating myself with fine liquors and other boozes during the course of the day. I suspected the movie would be watch-able, but I didn’t want to take any chances.

My regular thing drove and we (as always) arrived early. I was still thirsty, so we went in to something called a “TGI Friday” – the kind of hellhole that I would normally view with considerable disdain, but as I said, I was not entirely sober. We were served cheap beers by a really, really tall bartender called Maria, with a pierced lip and pig tails. She was very nice and I suggested she do some modeling. We even compared leg lengths (at 6’2″ I was an inch taller than her, but she has 3 inch longer legs than me. Go figure? My regular thing is now calling me “Stumpy”).

Anyway, the movie theater was packed. The movie itself was actually excellent. It turned out that my regular thing had smuggled in booze, too. Great. That is, basically, why she is my regular thing. Stuff like that. And her awesome rack. So here is a clip showing the first time Kirk meets “Bones” McCoy. Cast aside your prejudices and go and see it. Please don’t wear any kind of costume, though. Seriously:

Star Trek (2009): Kirk Meets McCoy

(*needless to say, my phaser was decidedly not on stun and I had a couple of photon torpedoes on back-up. It is dangerous there)

The guys responsible for publicizing the new Transformers movie are playing a blinder by putting Megan Fox front and center in all media appearances. She is so hot it gives me slight left-side cranial myalgia just looking at her (in a good way). Apparently, a guy called Shia LaBeouf (totally made up name) is in it too. Like I give a shit about that.

Anyway, I tried to post the Esquire video of the fox, Fox* last week, but the post-pirates had monkeyed with the version I had and I was pushed for time (you heard about the situation in Swat, right?). I have now got my hands on a new version. Here it is. Enjoy:

* see what I did there?

I have some seriously good news, guys. The new Victoria’s Secret swimsuit catalog is out. In celebration I am giving you not one, but two awesome babes for this week’s Something for the Weekend. I know, I spoil you. It’s a failing of mine. Ask the drones at Bones HQ – I’m like this all the time. It’s like being Santa’s son, working for me. Here’s Marissa Miller and Alessandro Ambrosio:

That’s all for now. Play nicely over the weekend. I’ll be on the beach if you need me……

One of the stock conversations that men have over a few beers is what “type” of female companion you favor. The gays talk about other, equally banal things, but I guess I am referring to straight males, here.

My line on this has always been the same. I favor “conventionally beautiful” with a sub-preference for blondes. None of those other caegories appeal – the elfin look, for example, is one I cannot abide (this has its genesis in a period when I think I rather overdid it. You know, with the elfin ones).

This is one of the reasons that I have always been a fan of Jessica Simpson. She is conventionally beautiful (did you SEE The Dukes of Hazzard?). There has been a lot of coverage of her fatness lately. She has been roundly criticized for effecting a Kirstie Allie-like body transformation, presumably brought on by smoking pot near a cake shop.

Well with this week’s Vanity Fair photoshoot, I think we can safely declare this unfortunate period OVER:

Welcome home, Jessica. You’re back on the Bedside List.

This week we awarded Michele Bachmann the coveted Assclown of the Week award. I am not going to link to it – scroll down. Elizabeth, one of my top assets, sent the picture below in and it is too good not to use. It is Assclown Bachmann AS AN ACTUAL CLOWN. How awesome is that?

Send in the clowns. They're already here.

Channel 4 has reported that JSO is using the RICO law to close down a notorious westside gang allegedly responsible for 204 felonies and 201 misdemeanors since 2004. These guys were clearly bad people – 21 firearms were recovered in the round-up – but after I saw them, I kind of felt bad. They look like the kind of guys Simon Cowell might be promoting. Or, in an earlier era, Stock, Aitken and Waterman. They even have a pop-sounding gang-name – the Certified Head Bustas!

You know, there’s the zany one, the quiet one, the possibly gay one, the one who dances, the one with the celebrity girlfriend. And as far as that one guy on the right’s T-shirt is concerned, I don’t know what a BEEZEE is, but if they’re free, I want one.

I am sure that we were all inspired by the example of Shadowhare, Dark Guardian and all of the other costumed crimefighters who have taken it upon themselves to protect the innocent (us [well, you]) from evil-doers. I want to keep the ball rolling on this one – let’s see if our collective desire to make our city a better place can force a hero to emerge. We need someone who is more than a man. Someone who has sweet skills and can bring order from chaos. Jacksonville needs……

The Coon…….!

Our Florida legislature is currently debating whether or not to add a Jesus Christ vanity tag to the options available (Manatees, Sea Turtles, Sand Dollars etc) to car-owners who want to express their individualism.

Inevitably, many people are up in arms about it (Bones’ Rule # 3). Most of the outrage is political. I am MYSTIFIED why nobody seems particularly incensed over the legislative time and taxpayers’ money being spent on something which, in the context of our turbulent times, has to be seen as a project of limited value, but there you have it.

Apparently, a similar law has passed in South Carolina, but its constitutionality has been questioned so tag production is on hold. I really hope these do pass in Florida. Why?, because I know North Florida. We have a special style that exists nowhere else, and I CANNOT WAIT to see the first Jesus tag on the back of a pick-up sporting a set of Truck Nutz.

You know it will be days rather than weeks, if the law passes. C’mon Florida policymakers – do me a solid!

Okay, no surprises this week. Assclown of the Week is that inveterate fuckwit Michelle Bachmann (R) of Minnesota. In a congress crammed to the gills with comedy fools, Bachmann still manages to stand-out like a dog poo on a pool deck.

This week, she weighed in on the Swine Flu debate. Apparently the global (non-) pandemic is the Democratic party’s fault – mostly the President’s.

The eyes. Dead giveaway.

Many have said that Bachmann was just echoing what ol’ fatty Limbaugh had already said. I think there can be no doubt that this elected (how?) official marches to the sound of Rush’s guns. However, she still looked VERY SILLY when she said the following:

“I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president Jimmy Carter. And I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it’s an interesting coincidence.”

This pointless party-political nonsense makes sensible people of all political hues roll their eyes. It’s bad for America, and when it is inexpertly deployed by the likes of Bachmann, you can actually feel yourself become a little more stupid…….

….particularly since the seventies swine flu outbreak occurred during Gerald Ford’s administration. He was a Republican, FYI.

Nice one Congresswoman. I for one wish you a long and vocal career in politics.

You make it easy for me.

A good friend of mine, not known for his critical skills, cites Transformers as his favorite film ever. This is a young man who should know better, but he loves it. I will concede, in my high-brow way, that the movie was an entertaining spectacle, even if the ghetto accents of the ‘robots in disguise’ gave me earache.

The sequel is coming up and barely a week goes by without a dopy new trailer coming out. Nevertheless, this movie is clearly going to have awesome special effects, many explosions and Megan Fox (a long time bedside list member). For these reasons, I am going to see at as soon as I can. If this offends your aesthetic sensibilities, Dead Poets Society* is available at Blockbusters (analog rental, Cool!).

Here’s Fox, pour memoire:

* a movie beloved only of utter spunk trumpets.