rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

Rivercityvibe was inspired by the “weblog” of my South African buddy, Seth Rotherham. His Cape Town-based site 2oceansvibe (see what he did there) is Africa’s second most trafficked WEBSITE (true story). It has propelled him to levels of fame and fortune not often seen in the blogging world. His secret?

He hates hipsters and has no truck with their boring blogs or their terrible ‘blogosphere’ circle-jerkery. He shuns them as I would shun a rabid dog.

Seth and I handled some rough work back in the day. The phrase we usually use to describe our relationship is, “we stole some horses together.” This is not meant to be literal (rustling is illegal, folks), rather it’s mean to hint at what life was like back in the days when pairs fire and maneuver was needed just to get to the nearest bar…..

To show you how he rolls these days, here is an interview with South Africa’s ELLE Magazine which I would have posted for its humor value even if I had no connection to the subject:

CTRL and + to zoom (in Firefox)

Nice hat. He’s got the whole Hunter T vibe going on. I am told the fact that rivercityvibe was not mentioned in the answer to the last question was an editing decision made by the poor folks at Elle.

They know not what they do. It’s cool.

The consequences will be felt through the mysterious workings of karma.

I have a soft spot for that other warm, sunny state – by which I mean California. Also I like its comedy Governor, the vocally challenged Austrian ex-pornstar Arnold Schwarzenegger (I know, Austrian is actually worse than German, what with Fritzl-types around every corner, but I am laying off the boxhead bashing for a while… it got too easy).

This week Arnie showed a side of him that I had hitherto suspected existed. He is a humorous individual considering his… well you know. On vetoing a bill sent to him by the legislature, he sent the following letter to policymakers in Sacramento:

So far so good, right? Standard political/governance fare, one would imagine and it’s not as if he doesn’t have a point. Cryptologists working at Bones HQ have, however, identified the following message, hidden within the Governor’s letter:

Good material, nein? Klasse und schoen! As the Governator might say…..

Out for a run the other day, I spied the unmistakable image of three uniformed members of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard coming toward me. Naturally I sought hard target cover and sounded my personal locator alarm, knowing that the QRF at Bones HQ would be crashed out. If I was going to have to conduct a fighting withdrawal on the streets of my own home town, I wanted my Ukrainian bodyguards in intimate support. “Bring the ’40“, I whispered into my collar mike….

As the enemy moved toward me it became increasingly obvious that I was mistaken. In fact, the closer they got the more sure I was that they were not Iranian Revolutionary Guard. Neither were they Egyptian Special Police (my second guess). In fact I was slowly coming to the horrifying conclusion that these guys were not third world paramilitaries at all. Could they be Americans?

Then a comforting thought struck me….. “Halloween costumes!”  I extracted myself from my fire position with as much dignity as I could and moved towards the guys in question, smiling.

Fuck me, readers – they only turned out to be members of the US Navy!

Not these fellows, after all.

Great guys they were (anyone who has a broad international experience knows we should go down on our knees to thank serving sailors for what they do for us). They sheepishly explained that the Pentagon, in its Post-Rumsfeldian wisdom, had decreed a new working dress for the Navy and had decided it should be a Disruptive Pattern Material (DPM) colored blue….

You know, in case you wanted to hide behind some waves…….. or in the sky, perhaps.

Here is a picture of the new look US Navy:

Relax. They're on our side

There really is very little difference. I CANNOT wait for them to bring out more colors (you know it will happen – Bones Rule # 1). I have a feeling this is a reaction to the fashion and celebrity culture that we live in (the one I deliberately perpetuate for laughs….) It does not seem very military, I’ll say that.

Perhaps officers of field rank and above could be permitted to wear mauve?

So we got to the game early. I was riding with Kenny P and McPolish. Benny Anderson off of ABBA had foolishly over-indulged the night before and was missing, believed vomiting. We were meeting up with my buddy III who is the king of this sort of celebration……

My regular thing dropped us off in her experimental water craft (which she claims was built by Israeli Special Forces for Littoral Operations in the Sea of Galilee. Maybe.) We were inserted at Jacksonville Landing. The first person we saw was this guy:

He was a Gator, for the record

I think that counts as One for the Ladies….. As we pushed further into the mayhem (via weak and pricey shots at that place that used to be Gaslights. The shots had fruit in them. so actually had the effect of sobering me up. Hardly their purpose), I began to get the impression that this year was going to be off the hook. This was 100% confirmed when I saw this:

An engineering marvel

It was a mobile, gas-pressured, three way beer bong that can deliver three cans of beer to three participants, in under three seconds.

I like them apples a lot.

The legend who was in charge of it has a future as an impresario (apparently he’ll need something. Five years of college and a sophomore already……) No sooner had I explained who I was and that all the Russians (ex-soldiers and strippers, mainly) were part of my entourage, than he grasped what he must do. He lined up three beautiful girls and arranged a demonstration. Here is my photographic essay on the subject…..

Feeding the Beast

Adopt the position

Bend zee knees (if you like)

Chin it, Padre!

Clear. Ease springs.

Each one of them earned a cheer from the crowd as they emitted, one by one, three of the most lady-like beer belches I have ever heard. They were a pleasure, beginning to end. I was rather lost in music, at this stage, so I did not get anyone’s name. Email me if you want credit, girls and boys. I am afraid it won’t count in class, though……

So that was a highlight. Incidentally, we saw the Fifth Column again. There was plenty more of the usual naughtiness. As tradition dictates, I did not attend the game, or know what the score was. I presume the Gators won……