rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

As it is impossible not to know by now, last night the King of Pop was murdered by his enablers. With all the hysterical bullshit coverage in the media (decorum, please………) and the unpleasantness that is bound to ensue, I am relieved that my feelings about his music seem unlikely to ever change.

You see, for my generation his songs were the incidental music in our lives*. At boarding school we listened to Thriller and Bad on orange “mix” cassettes that a friend’s 11th grade brother used to make for him. (They lived in the Bahamas. I don’t know why that is relevant information, but it is).

So whenever I hear Michael Jackson I am nostalgic for a time of boring sundays, local talent, stegophily and Nelly’s Pond. That’s what his music does for me.

*My actual theme tune was Gold by Spandau Ballet, if you’re curious.

I think the whole Perez Hilton thing interfered with the vibe. You know – the river city vibe. In cases like this there is literally only one thing to do to restore harmony:

Here’s Lindsay:

Aaaaaaah.

That’s better.

I am going to have to seek out some karmic balance today, to make up for the content of this post. You see, it is a celebration of violence against a former Assclown of the Week winner.

Basically, I am going to have to spin a hundred prayer wheels and then free Tibet to get out of this one, because to compound it all, the guy in question is a gay and it is not cool by any standards to bash the gays. Celebrating it, as I am here, pretty much needs an intervention from His Holiness the Dalai Lama to avoid coming back as a roach.

I am of course, talking about that loudmouth assclown Perez Hilton. Here is a picture of Perez having his clock cleaned (as he so richly deserves, the snivelling little shit). Enjoy:

As you can see by the AWESOME LOGO this comes from a sort of rivercityvibe for insecure canadians called drinktheglitter.com. It shows the moment at which a member of the Black Eyed Peas entourage dispenses with Perez after witnessing Perez (real name “I am an attention whore”) calling rapper Will.I.Am a “fag”.

So that’s it. We’re in the clear of all accusations of celebrating gay bashing. It turns out that the gays hate Perez too. Those worthies at the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) had this to say:

“We have reached out to Hilton and asked him to apologize for promoting this anti-gay slur, and we would ask media outlets to avoid repetition of the slur in their coverage of this story.
For someone in our own community to use it to attack another person by saying that it is, quote, ‘The worst possible thing that thug would ever want to hear,’ is incredibly dangerous.
It legitimizes use of a slur that is often linked to violence against our community. And it sends a message that it is OK to attempt to dehumanize people by exploiting anti-gay attitudes.”

Nicely put. Here’s another picture of Perez. I would love to know what the Queer Eyes guys think of him.

I think that’s enough Perez, for a while.

As a season ticket holder to the Jacksonville Axemen, I like to go to all home games, drink the dollar beer and mock the cheerleaders. For those of you who don’t know, the Axemen are our local Rugby League team, and they play at University of North Florida. I should say that they deserve our support because they UTTERLY FUCKING DOMINATED in the first two home games of the season. They have now won four games in a row and sit on top of the ladder. Be proud, Jacksonville.

Conclusive

So far this season, we have played a couple of yankee teams at home and have handed them their scrota on a plate. Seasoned.

I think I know why.

Putting aside the undoubted talents of Australian Spinner Howland, the manager/coach/scrum half (nearly did himself a mischief on Saturday …) they also have a secret weapon in the Pope brothers. Taco and Apple.

You know, Taco Pope and his brother, Apple.

Taco Pope.....

...and his brother, Apple.

These two legends prove the rule that not everyone with hippy parents grows up a Birkenstock-wearing wuss. These guys may well wear Birkys – I don’t know, I don’t care, but you’re not going to mock them for it. They’d steamroller you. They’d rag doll you around the field like you were nothing……..

I hear there is a third one called Pepsi.

I shit you not.

Smokin’, smokin’ hot Olivia Munn. She could throw the dog a bone.

Literally.

This picture is, of course, from her recent Playboy shoot. Interesting-ish fact about Munn:

Munn was predominantly raised in the Shinjuku district of Tokyo, Japan,[4] where the military assigned her stepfather. During this time, she had appeared in a number of local theater productions, and later became a model within the Japanese fashion industry…

But her Asian looks are from her Chinese mother. Not many people realize that.

(How do I feel about Munn? Well, I’d walk 300 miles over burning coals just to “David Carradine” myself in her shadow. Seriously. Big fan).

The drive for companies to produce something that “goes viral” has resulted in some genuinely funny stuff on the word wide interweb. This Bud Light commercial is one of them. It strikes a chord with me, having been in a similar situation to the protagonist more than once.

(Note: This does not count as an endorsement of Bud Light. Joe would not drink that nastiness. It’s like weak weasel piss).

Okay. We’re back on track. Here’s something for the weekend (by recent standards, a couple of days early). It’s the striking Kelly Carlson:

That'll do. Stop it there. Good.

Ms. Carlson, you will call, plays  Kimber Henry in the plastic surgery and shagging epic, Nip Tuck. The usual source gives us an example of how life imitates art for Kelly:

She is a spokesperson for the Smile Network, a Minnesota-based humanitarian organization that provides reconstructive surgeries and related health care services to impoverished children and young adults in developing countries.

She is seriously hot in the show. I am not sure the bikini pic does her justice.

Once in a while Bones HQ receives an email that links to something so clever and DOWNRIGHT hilarious it get’s posted immediately. This is one of those “once in a whiles”. Let’s dispense with metaphor and dramatic symbolism and root ourselves firmly in the literal (which I usually hate). This is the literal version of Bonnie Tyler’s seminal Total Eclipse of the Heart We shall watch, then discuss:

OKay, some of my takeaways from the lyrics which are pure genius:

All references to the emo kid (as you know, I hate emos. And Hipsters). Particularly, “emo kid is throwing slo-mo dove in my face”

“And they should not fence at night or they’re going to hurt the gymnasts”

“I’m swaying side-to-side, these dancers need to stop, the gayest man on earth would call this over-the-top”

“It started out as Hogwarts now it’s Lord Of the Flies” (I’ve never heard of “Hogwarts” but I have a 1st Am. Edition of LOTF. It rocks).

“You’re making it worse”

Lag! Notice I am glossing over my recent lack of posts. All I can say is that my Bridge Demolition Skills are vastly improved, but I am off chicken and rice.

I am aware that since the absinthe/flamethrower incident I have been falling down on my duties to the rivercityvibe faithful. Until I get back in the saddle proper, I am going to be looking for ways to maximize the value of my posts. Here, for example, is distilled magic. 100 best movie quotes in 200 seconds:

Something for the weekend will follow later.

I love you all (eros, not agape).

The Jax blogosphere (hateful word) is alive with reports of a team of loonies from the river city who have entered the 2009 BABE Rally, a rally of eighty beaters between New York and New Orleans with only one rule – all competing cars must have been bought for under $500. The team is imaginatively named “Team Preteen Spirit” and though two of the team are from Jacksonville, the third is, somewhat randomly, from Abu Dhabi. Here is their car:

It's name is Bloody Nora, apparently.

Now it has not escaped my notice that this whole deal has been set-up by a Public Relations agency. I got the press release (and very funny it was too). I’d usually be all over this, but, frankly I am impressed that these flacks have the awareness to treat bloggers seriously and actively court  this kind of coverage. Our buddies at Urbancore and Jacksonville Confidential are also running the story.

Is it true that a reporter from Vanity Fair will be embedded for part of the journey? Big rumor.