rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

Oh no.

It’s Wednesday already.

A very bad experience with some imported absinthe, 35 feet of shock cord and an ex-Wehrmacht flamethrower has kept me out of the loop for the past couple of days. I am feeling a little shaky, so I am going to play it safe, this week. Here is the lovely and reliable Kelly Brook:

To be clear: This is last Friday’s post. If you need clarification as to how that can be, a full explanation is HERE.

Watch out for Morlocks.

Cameron’s house, from John Hughes’ seminal Ferris Buellers Day Off is  on the market. You know the place. Where Ferris and Cameron accidentally destroy Cameron’s father’s 1961 Ferrari 250GT California (“less [sic] than a hundred were made”).

The picture quality sucks. I guess they are trying to evoke an 80s ambiance for a quick sale. The Realtor tells us:

THE BEN ROSE HOME-site of the famous movie “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”, cantilevered over the ravine, these two steel and glass buildings, which can never be duplicated, have incredible vistas of the surrounding woods. This is a unique property designed by A. James Speyer and David Haid, both notable architects of the 20th Century. Estate Sale Sold -No disclosures! This is an amazing architectural treasure.

Let us refresh our memories:

Remember those days? Remember Abe Froman, the Sausage King of Chicago?

There. It’s all coming back

Oh dear. Somebody’s been naughty. This post relates to the mischievous activities of First Coast High School students Ryan Ortagus, 19; Jacob Nolan, 18; and a 17-year-old whose name is unavailable for some legal reason that makes no sense at all.

These “criminals” (the Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office (JSO) are throwing the book at them) committed two heinous crimes: They padlocked their school gates shut one night so that, in the morning, nobody could enter,  and they rearranged the message board outside the school to read:

“GO ORAL CUNTS”

I am sure you agree with me. These kids are not criminals.

They are heroes.

It is with more than a little vicarious pride that I announce that this story has resulted in Jacksonville, Florida being featured on the AWESOME Smoking Gun Website. My favorite bit is where they say:

In an update on his MySpace page, Nolan last night listed his mood as “scared,” and reported that he “spent the day at jail. definitely somewhere i never wanna go again. probably wont graduate, gonna have to pay a ton of money, court june 2nd.”

The entire police report is HERE.

Is anyone else saddened that high-spirits are not recognized as partial mitigation these days?

(Go oral cunts! Lag!)

I discovered something I did not know today. This is rare in my life. Really rare (go on, test me). You see, I knew that classic indie band Saint Etienne were named partly in tribute to French eighties songster Etienne Daho (Wikipedia is wrong on this one, believe me), but I had no idea that their classic She’s on the phone was a direct lift from Daho’s 1984 classic Weekend a Rome. See for yourselves.

Etienne Daho first (featuring Seth Rotherham on his Vespa):

Now Saint Etienne (featuring Etienne Daho [Doh!]):

How could I not have known this. My European assets have failed me.

It’s uncanny.

They’ve reinvented Sherlock Holmes for the big screen. To someone like me, who for two years of my teens devoured the entire Conan Doyle oeuvre three times in succession, such a reinvention carries with it the risk that it will (GI Joe-like) destroy treasured childhood memories.

I needn’t have worried, they’ve cast the legend Downey, Jr in the eponymous role. Everything will be fine, mes enfants, I’ve looked into it:

I forgoit to mention that this is a Guy Ritchie movie. As I have said before, this guy gets a bad press but I have never seen a movie of his I did not like. Sherlock Holmes looks like it will be no exception. It’s not out ’til Christmas, but I thought you’d want to see the trailer anyway.

* I know. He never said this. Yawn.

An annual milestone, with the publication of FHM’s 100 Sexiest Women in the World. It is standard in these circumstances to award the Something for the Weekend honor to the number one spot. This year, that was Cheryl Cole, who apparently is/was/may have “been in” something called Girls Aloud:

The usual sources tells us:

In 2007, Lily Allen included a song entitled Cheryl Tweedy on her debut album Alright, Still. Tweedy took the song as a complement to her, but Allen later pointed out that it had been tongue in cheek.

Cheryl Cole/Tweedy may be the FHM Sexiest Woman in the World, but she’s no Lily Allen.

(BTW, does the word “sexiest” have a kind of 70’s feel to it? No? It does for me).

(also, did you notice Wikipedia mispelled “compliment”. Of course you did).

I met Joakim Noah once, at a University of Florida faculty party (I get invited to these things ALL THE TIME by fascinated professors and feel I have to turn up every now and again. Now I think of it, that’s probably the reason that Joakim was there too). We spoke. His conversation was like my basketball (the occasional score but mostly inconsequential dribbling). I did come away with the impression that this young man would go far and I am, a few years on, being proved right.

Now a center for the Chicago Bulls, he splits his time between Florida and Chicago. When in Florida he likes to hang with beautiful women. He prefers them topless and in the ocean.

He has something of a Snoop look going on in these pics. If you want to see the entire NSFW (this puritan nation kills me) paparazzi shots click HERE.

Florida Governor Charlie Crist held a press conference yesterday to put an end to rumors that have been dogging him for months, now. His decision to reveal himself was entirely supported by his loving wife, who he married immediately prior to running for Governor. The perma-tanned, perfectly coiffed, toned and immaculately dressed governor has announced he will be running for Senator Mel Martinez’s seat in the next election.

Were I to contact the governor’s office to ask for comment, the following conversation might take place:

“Look, Joe. I don’t know why you keep going on about this. He is a married man whose only scandal has stemmed from a paternity suit from a woman which nearly derailed his campaign for Governor.”

Joe: “Did you make up the paternity suit to quash the other rumors?”

Spokesperson “Yes. I mean no! No.”

Joe: “I seeeeeee……….”

For hard-hitting Florida Politics Joe Bones is your man. I also do celebrity gossip, bikini babes and small arms.

I am a man for all seasons.

I went to see Star Trek at Orange Park on Sunday. I had taken the precaution of slowly medicating myself with fine liquors and other boozes during the course of the day. I suspected the movie would be watch-able, but I didn’t want to take any chances.

My regular thing drove and we (as always) arrived early. I was still thirsty, so we went in to something called a “TGI Friday” – the kind of hellhole that I would normally view with considerable disdain, but as I said, I was not entirely sober. We were served cheap beers by a really, really tall bartender called Maria, with a pierced lip and pig tails. She was very nice and I suggested she do some modeling. We even compared leg lengths (at 6’2″ I was an inch taller than her, but she has 3 inch longer legs than me. Go figure? My regular thing is now calling me “Stumpy”).

Anyway, the movie theater was packed. The movie itself was actually excellent. It turned out that my regular thing had smuggled in booze, too. Great. That is, basically, why she is my regular thing. Stuff like that. And her awesome rack. So here is a clip showing the first time Kirk meets “Bones” McCoy. Cast aside your prejudices and go and see it. Please don’t wear any kind of costume, though. Seriously:

Star Trek (2009): Kirk Meets McCoy

(*needless to say, my phaser was decidedly not on stun and I had a couple of photon torpedoes on back-up. It is dangerous there)

The guys responsible for publicizing the new Transformers movie are playing a blinder by putting Megan Fox front and center in all media appearances. She is so hot it gives me slight left-side cranial myalgia just looking at her (in a good way). Apparently, a guy called Shia LaBeouf (totally made up name) is in it too. Like I give a shit about that.

Anyway, I tried to post the Esquire video of the fox, Fox* last week, but the post-pirates had monkeyed with the version I had and I was pushed for time (you heard about the situation in Swat, right?). I have now got my hands on a new version. Here it is. Enjoy:

* see what I did there?