rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

I transited from Bones’ Hideout to Bones’ HQ by experimental jetpack this morning. The sunrise was stunning and I was in such a good mood at the prospect of an awesome weekend, I touched down briefly to capture it, digitally.

I'm fine with that

Facing the other direction, I took a snap of Spectator, the steel-hulled, junk-rigged sailboat that I have long admired, at anchor in the Ortega River.

Again, not a problem

A great weekend is in prospect. It starts this afternoon with the filming of Deadliest Catch (Jacksonville) Part 2 (it turns out the rubber gloves were essential equipment, without which the mission would have failed).

And remember, the Boat Show starts today, too.

I am excited beyond belief about the Boat Show, this weekend. I wll be covering it throughout, except for a portion of Saturday morning which will be dedicated to mocking the escape artist at the Riverside Arts Market. I will be judging the Boat Show Bikini Contest in an unofficial capacity, tomorrow. See you there?

I have only three words to describe what the weekend is going to be like. Pretty. Fucking. Huge.

This is decidedly not a political blog. Though I feel I should point out and mock hypocrisy, sinister manipulation and mass stupidity wherever I find it, I am going to refrain, this time. I am going to limit myself to simply highlighting the funny aspects of the right wing Teabagging Protests taking place today.

For foreign readers, the Republican Party (or elements within it), which is in marginalized opposition in the USA, has called for a day of action to protest the disgrace that is the budget deficit (which I have commented on before). The deficit is so large it defies comprehension and it is growing.  The “action” consists of popular meetings called Tea Parties (a la Boston Tea Party). Activists have also begun sending teabags to members of congress. The media have seized on this and “teabagging” has entered the political lexicon.

Now, I am sure it won’t have escaped the more worldly of you that “teabagging” already had an alternative meaning. Put frankly, it refers to the sex act in which a man (it has to be a man) gets a sexual partner to suck his ball sack by dangling it in said partner’s mouth – an action thought to resemble dangling a teabag in a cup.

At this stage, I remind you of Bones Rule #1.

Needless to say, in expressions of puerile humor never before seen on US TV, the liberal media have seized on this and are practically wetting themselves to see who can refer to teabagging in the most ambiguous way, to greatest comic effect.

We have a winner. Rachel Maddow and Ana Marie Cox were not even close. David Schuster ran away with it (look at the scrotum-like teabags picture behind him):

Genuinely the funniest piece of satire I have seen for a long time.

God bless America!

I am participating in Jacksonville’s version of Deadliest Catch, this afternoon. At 2 pm, I will be throwing myself into a barely seaworthy vessel to plant crabtraps in the Saint Johns River in anticipation of an abundant crabfest, come Friday. I will be chronicling the highs and lows for this website.

(I just got a text message asking me to bring two pairs of rubber gloves. That can’t be good.)

Anyway, speaking of boats, you’ve got to take your hat off to Johnny Depp. Not only is he nailing the life partner of Vanessa Paradis, living out an idyllic existence with his family in the South of France, but he also owns this:

It’s the kind of good-taste classic design rarely seen these days. It is the Vajoliroja, and though home ported in the Mediterranean, it is often seen down the road in Fort Lauderdale. Currently it’s in Puerto Rico, where Depp is filming The Rum Diary (we will talk much of this movie in coming months. It stars Johnny Depp, it was written by Hunter Thompson and it is directed by Bruce Robinson. Chances of it being crap? Less than zero).

The boat boasts twin 358kW CAT 3406C diesel engines, has a range of 3,000 nm and a cruising speed of 12 kts. Crew of seven, capacity for 11 guests.

nice.

I’ll be honest, rivercityvibe’s dedication to Lindsay Lohan has raised some eyebrows among the faithful. Though many are happy to take my lead on matters of taste (very sensible), some have demanded proof that this girl is as awesome as I have claimed. Well, that proof is here, courtesy of Funny or Die!, clear and incontrovertible. This will silence the naysayers forever.

Beautiful? Check! Acting skills? Check! Funny? Check! Cool? Check! Sober? Check! Sexy? Check!

You see, you were right to trust me.

Well done.

I recently wrote about Spike Jonze’s efforts to bring the classic children’s tale Where the Wild Things Are to the silver screen, speculating that if it were anything like Wild Things, it could be very good indeed. I thought this post was ball-achingly hilarious. You, in your hundreds, thought it was crap……..

In what I can only imagine is a rapidly concocted spoof, some comedian (more to y’alls taste, I’m sure. Not sulking…) has put out a trailer for Spike Jonze’s treatment of that other ubiquitous childrens’ classic Everyone Poops!

For the record, I generally hate scatalogical humor, preferring to leave that to the Germans. They love that sort of thing…….

Though I have enjoyed many of his movies (Mad Max, Conspiracy Theory, Lethal Weapon, and, particularly, The Year of Living Dangerously), I have never liked Mel Gibson. He comes over as arrogant, out-of-touch and unpleasant, to me. He always seems to be using his movie-making to promote some kind of nasty personal message, usually playing fast and lose with historical fact to back up his prejudices. He’s not a bad actor, he is just seems to me to have a weird agenda.

And he hates Jewish people. And gays.

In case you need any other evidence, here’s some that’s just turned up. Most would agree that nothing says assclown like a stupid fucking beard and dandruff:

Also, while researching* this,  I came across this awesome website. It’s called Dickipedia (a wiki of dicks) and it is my new favorite thing on the web. No surprise to see Rush and that prick O’Reilly hanging with Gibson there.

(That’s right! Researching! It’s like the New York Times here….!)

Update: His wife thinks he is asshole, too……

This (below) is why I wear Calvin Klein underwear:

Yes, it Doutzen Kroes, the Dutch supermodel. She is currently the 14th highest paid model in the world, according to her Wikipedia page. Who knew?

She’s also in the VS gang……….

Ten out of ten. Seriously.

Eminem’s new album and his song We Made You is getting a lot of attention. It mocks mercilessly a number of celebrities including Simpson, Kardashian, and our favorite Lohan. He is right on the money with what he says about Lindsay and Ronson, drawing attention to the fact that they were something of an odd couple – Lindsay being seriously good-looking and Ronson having a face like a robber’s dog. In fact, Eminem seems to echo much that has appeared on rivercityvibe of late. Could Eminem be channeling Joe Bones? The Video is HERE.

We Made You

Guess Who… You Miss me?… Jessica Simpson sing the chorus

(CHORUS)
When you walked through the door
It was clear to me (clear to me)
You’re the one they adore, who they came to see (who they came to see)
You’re a … rock star (baby)
Everybody wants you (everybody wants you)
Player… Who can really blame you (who can really blame you)
We’re the ones who (chicka) made you *cough, cough*

Back by popular demand
Now pop a little zantack or ant’-acid if you can
You’re ready to tackle any task that is at hand
How does it feel, is it fantastic, is it grand?
Well look at all the massive masses in the stands
Shady man… no don’t massacre the fans
Damn, I think Kim Kardashians a man
She stomped him just cause he asked to put his hands
On her massive glutious maximus again
Squeeze it, then Squish it, then pass it to her friend
Can he come back as nasty as he can
Yes he can,can, don’t ask me this again
He does not mean to lesbian offend
But Lindsay please come back to seeing men
Samantha’s a 2, You’re practically a 10
I know you want me girl,
In fact I see your grin – now come in girl

(CHORUS)
When you walked through the door
It was clear to me (clear to me)
You’re the one they adore, who they came to see (who they came to see)
You’re a … rock star (baby)
Everybody wants you (everybody wants you)
Player… Who can really blame you (who can really blame you)
Were the ones who made you

So baby, baby
Get down, down, down

Baby, get down, down down
Baby, get down, down down
Baby, get down, down down
Baby, get down, get down

Oh Amy, Rehab never looked so good,
I can wait, I’m going back!! HAHA Whooo!

DR DRE, 2020, Yeah

You get the idea…….

Seriously. I left Bones’ HQ for Bones’ Hideout at lunchtime, thinking I could grab a sandwich and a lunchtime cocktail. Maybe walk the dog, watch TV. As it turned out, I did none of these, because as I arrived, the mailman called me over and, with a wink and a nudge handed me the NEW Victoria’s Secret catalogue……… It meets the required standard. Here’s a preview:

Lima

Miller

Lima again

And it’s not even Friday!