rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

It appears that North Korea’s determination to do whatever the fuck they like has left them with egg on their faces. Evidently, the BIG DONG rocket* they launched over the weekend with the declared intention of putting a satellite into space never reached orbit. This has fueled international suspicion that the satellite vibe was just cover for a test launch of a military missile.

If that’s the case, you’d think North Korea could come up with a more plausible cover story than they did. The satellite’s role, we are told, was to “broadcast revolutionary songs” (by which we can suppose they mean songs about communist revolution, not acid jazz, trip hop, house and other ahead-of-their time genres…..). According to MSNBC songs included:

“……..the melodies of the immortal revolutionary paeans ‘Song of Gen. Kim Il Sung’ and ‘Song of Gen. Kim Jong Il’………”

Whatever. It put me in mind of another song, sung by Kim Jong Il in the hilarious movie Team America. Take it away, Supreme Leader….:

* The North Koreans also have a missile called NODONG………..

Okay. The time has come for us to talk about Top Gear. If you are familiar with it, you’ll know it is a British show loosely themed around motor vehicles. It’s on BBC America (and available On Demand) and is pretty much the best thing on TV. Seriously. Now that The Wire is finished.

It’s a magazine style show with three forty-something guys living the dream. They get paid ridiculous amounts of money for basically dicking about (like me, in fact). It’s a perfect existence. The budget for the show makes our national budget deficit seem like chump change* – and you can tell. They travel all over the world mocking people and vehicles and they design the most RIDICULOUS and entertaining tests to put cars through their paces. The show claims 350 million viewers worldwide.

I am talking big here, and I am conscious that I will have to demonstrate how good this show is before the faithful adopt it as their own. Fear naught, I have an example for you – I have trawled youtube and found the following, in which one of the team drives a Range Rover in an effort to escape a tank (with which, regular readers will know, I have a mild obsession). This is quite a long clip, but worth every second:

The new series is on BBC America on Mondays at 9 pm (I think. I haven’t looked it up…….). Apparently it has taken off so well in the US that a dedicated US website has been launched. It’s here.

*not really. The budget deficit currently stands a smidgeon more than 42 billion dollars over 11 Trillion……. I hope that hasn’t ruined your Sunday. May I suggest a Bloody Mary?

I’m on my third.

I cannot believe we have not had Elisha Cuthbert, yet. She is right up my street…. type-wise.

nice.......

Continuing the theme, it might interest you to learn that Ms. Cuthbert is from Calgary, Canada, hey?

I have a raging thirst which I shortly intend to slake (good word) by consuming an amount of beer that would kill a Canadian. Don’t be jealous. It’s just a skill I have. I’m not proud. Actually, I’m seeing a Buddhist* about it.

My weekend is going to be pretty HUGE. I’ll report back on Monday. In the meantime, word to all y’alls mothers. Something for the Weekend follows……

(* not just any Buddhist. His Holiness the Dalai Lama)

The news that Madonna’s African adoption has been denied is less than shocking to anyone who knows anything about the state of orphans in Africa. With orphanages full of former child soldiers, who have lived lives in which they have been  fed drugs and beer, abused and taught to kill on demand, Madge thought it would be appropriate to turn up in cammies and a pair of fucking paratrooper boots:

"What this family needs is a new RPG man......."

Apart from looking RIDICULOUS, her appearance provoked a Pavlovian response in the children, who took up fire positions as she entered the room and started to chant weird war songs. She was then offered some khat and an amulet that gives immunity from government bullets…….

Okay, the headline might be a little misleading with reference to the suspension of University of Florida sorority, Sigma Lambda Gamma. It turns out that girls “experimenting” with their budding sexuality in elaborate hazing rituals had nothing to do with the suspension and may not have actually taken place at all, apart from in my mind.

What did happen was equally shocking, though.

Oh. No it wasn’t. It was utterly lame.

It appears that the girls had drawn up a list of 37 things that pledges were forbidden to do, including “using elevators”, and “taking shortcuts across the grass”. If that’s hazing then my entire childhood was one long haze. I wonder if the other rules included having to eat small portions of carrots weekly and wearing sunscreen. Also looking both ways when crossing a road.

Those poor girls…….

There is a scene in the classic war film Waterloo in which the Duke of Wellington interrogates a soldier who has been caught stealing a piglet for food. The soldier explains that he was merely trying to return the beast to its mother. Wellington angrily asks the soldier if he knows what the punishment for looting livestock is. The soldier, without missing a beat says, “Stoppage of gin, sir?”

“Damn you! It’s Death!” says Wellington, then turning to an aide-de-campe says, “Raise this man to Corporal. He knows how to defend a weak position!”

This post is about a guy who would likely have made sergeant in Wellington’s army.

Swedish strippers? Awesome!

It seems that McDonald’s have got their panties in a wad about a neon sign advertising a strip club in Falkoping in the south of Sweden and are considering legal action. The Local, tells us:

“We’re going to send him a letter. In our view this is clearly a breach of our trademark,” McDonald’s spokesman Claes Eliasson told The Local.

But the strip tease club owner, Dragan Bratic, denied that there was any likeness.

“The sign has nothing to do with McDonald’s. It is two breasts with nipples. Anyone can see that,” Bratic told Swedish online newspaper GT.se.

When asked about the name McDragan’s, Bratic replied that the Mc in fact stands for motorcycle and bears no relation to the Mc in McDonald’s.

“I’m not Irish, I’m a Yugoslav. And I don’t sell hamburgers, I sell live striptease,” he insists.

By the way, by the time I had got through reading the article for the first time, I realized it was an April Fool’s joke (those ZANY Swedes!). I had all the Waterloo stuff in my head though and it seemed a shame to waste it.

I know you know about Bones’ Rule #3, which states that “Everyone is outraged about everything, all the time”, but you may be less familiar with the Big One: Bones’ Rule # 1.

Bones’ Rule # 1 is “Fact is always funnier than fiction. Always.” As I have noted before, if you have an eye for the ridiculous, you can spend a life in state of mirth (which is similar to a state of grace, but with more chance of accidental urine discharge…….). This is how I spend my life folks. I can recommend it.

The latest thing I have found that plays to this is this picture of Sylvester Stallone showing his young daughters the antiquities of Rome.

I mean, it is him, right….?

What are the chances that the Romans had their own version of Sly, wandering around Pompeii, perhaps, dangerously eyeing the volcano…. “if tha’ volcano goes up, I’ll give it a war you won’t believe……..”

I have lamented the changes in Scarlett Johansson’s life regularly, over the past six months. Her marriage and her non-blondeness have caused me considerable angst.

She’s gone one better, this time and I can’t help but take it personally. She has inadvertently begun to downsize her celebrated bust…….

They're melting.......

Apparently she is on some kind of diet, the fool.  Page Six tells us:

SAY it ain’t so, ScarJo! Sultry Scarlett Johansson is getting rid of her famous curves. Eyes popped Tuesday night at Moet & Chandon’s “Tribute to Film” soiree at London’s Big Sky Studios when the “very slim” actress, who’s married to Ryan Reynolds, strutted in wearing a tight, black minidress. “She was talking to Thandie Newton about the rigid diet she’s on,” our spy said of the star of the upcoming “Iron Man 2.

Stupid baby talk, for morons, but you get the gist. I cannot help thinking Johansson’s going to see the error of her ways very soon. In the meantime, I’m going to Fedex her some spaghetti and a packet of ZOFT

Our local Rugby team, the Jacksonville Axemen are a treat to watch if you think you would like a cross between football and the kind of thing you saw in the Roman Coliseum around the time of Christ. It’s a bloody, violent and fast-paced game, much beloved of its players. It also attracts a lot of hot chicks (to watch, not to play. That wouldn’t work). What’s more, as a minor sport in North Florida, the Axemen need and deserve our support. To drum up interest, they’ve released a TV Commercial on YouTube:

Some subtle messaging there. My take-away is that beer is quite important to these guys. As it is to me.

It’s a match made in heaven…….