rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

As I recently noted, in our River City, we never go too long without boarding a boat of some sort. I even go out to eat by canoe, on occasion. It’s like Waterworld, here. Everyone needs some kind of waterborne mode of transport simply to survive.

With that, I want to introduce you to possibly the best music video we have ever posted on rivercityvibe. It basically sums up the reason why I live here. It’s Lonely Island with I’m on a boat:

(it’s that ‘rap’ deal so there’s bad language. Mainly ‘motherfucker’ but also ‘shit’ used as a synonym for “everything” as in “and shit”. Also the phrase “I fucked a mermaid” which I found particularly amusing):

I feel the lyrics deserve some attention:

Aww shit, get your towels ready it’s about to go down (shorty, yeah)
Everybody in the place hit the fucking deck (shorty, yeah)
But stay on your motherfucking toes
We running this, let’s go

I’m on a boat (I’m on a boat)
I’m on a boat (I’m on a boat)
Everybody look at me ’cause I’m sailing on a boat (sailing on a boat)
I’m on a boat (I’m on a boat)
I’m on a boat
Take a good hard look at the motherfucking boat (boat, yeah)

I’m on a boat motherfucker take a look at me
Straight flowing on a boat on the deep blue sea
Busting five knots, wind whipping out my coat
You can’t stop me motherfucker cause I’m on a boat

Take a picture, trick (trick)
I’m on a boat, bitch (bitch)
We drinking Santana champ,
Cause it’s so crisp (crisp)
I got my swim trunks
And my flippie-floppies
I’m flipping burgers, you at Kinko’s
Straight flipping copies

I’m riding on a dolphin, doing flips and shit
The dolphin’s splashing, getting everybody all wet
But this ain’t Seaworld, this is real as it gets
I’m on a boat, motherfucker, don’t you ever forget

I’m on a boat and
It’s going fast and
I got a nautical themed
Pashmina afghan
I’m the king of the world
On a boat like Leo
If you’re on the shore,
Then you’re sure not me-oh

For more click HERE.

And I’m with you. In Riverside, Avondale and Ortega, a nautical themed Pashmina in de rigeur…….

Hot on the heels of our ShamWow! story, I receive from longtime supporter Benny Anderson*, another link to the Smoking Gun, this time detailing what the po-pos in Ohio are calling a “law enforcement first”.

It seems that Kile Wygle, 28 was arrested for driving under the influence (DUI) on a motorized barstool. This motorized barstool:

I want one.

The SG tells us:

According to cops, Kile Wygle, 28, crashed his bar stool near his Newark home earlier this month and called 911 due to his injuries. When an officer arrived and asked Wygle what happened, he answered, “I wrecked my bar stool.” According to a Newark Police Division report, a copy of which you’ll find here, Wygle’s homemade ride is powered by a Briggs & Stratton lawnmower engine. Wygle noted that the bar stool could hit nearly 40 miles per hour, but that he was only going 20 when he wiped out late in the afternoon on March 4 (a witness told police that he spotted someone driving a “strange motorized machine” before the crash). A plastered Wygle, who failed a series of field sobriety tests, was charged with DUI and driving with a suspended license, both misdemeanors. His bar stool was not impounded. (5 pages)

Though, looking at it, it’s hardly the luxury model.  Neat wheel at the back, though. I bet it helps over sweet jumps…….

EXTREMENESS TO THE MAXXXXXXX!!!!!!!!!

(*not his real name, just has the same hairstyle as the ABBA divorcee)

For so many of us, life in Jacksonville is intimately connected to the water. Whether its on the St. Johns, the Intercoastal or the ocean, we pretty much all love (if I may steal from The Wind in the Willows), “simply messing about in boats”.

It follows, then, that we need somewhere to buy our boat shit. Our bosuns’ bumholes. Our marlin spikes. Our monkeys’ fists. Also our nautical themed beer koozies and signal flag place-mats.

And our wall clocks in the shape of an olde worlde pirate ship’s wheel.

It's a biggie........

With the arrival at the St. John’s Town Center of the largest West Marine in the world, all those things are now a short drive away.

Seriously, though, I went to the preview opening on Friday and they have everything. The latest in electronics, fishing gear, safety gear – the usual West Marine gear but more of it and better. I nearly (so close) bought an inflatable paddle board for 1200 bucks. That’s how awesome the place’s vibe was…….

Luckily I came to my senses and remembered what I really wanted was a Magnum PI-style surf-ski, preferably of eighties vintage. I made an inquiry and immediately felt bad. They didn’t have one and were MORTIFIED on day one to tell me this…..

I made up for it by buying the most expensive personal flotation device for a Labrador that they had. My dog swims like she’s the offspring of Michael Phelps and Flipper, so it’s never going to be used. I think the staff appreciated the gesture, though.

The best part is that we now have somewhere to go when our womenfolk are in Gucci……

I’ve been looking so long at these pictures of Klum, that I almost believe that they’re real…..

I’ve been looking so long at these pictures of Klum that I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel….

The song?

Anyone? Class? Anyone?

Now is a good time to buy a house, we are told. Prices are plummeting, so if you are a first time buyer and do not need to sell a current house to buy a new one, you should act. Consider Aaron Spelling’s house in Los Angeles, for example. See if you can swing it with Wells Fargo. It’s on the market for 150 million dollars.

I wrote that in a Doctor Evil voice.

Bigger than the White House

Coming up with the readies might not be your only challenge, though. Candy Spelling apparently won’t sell this to just anyone. The Independent claims,

And, of course, to handle the sale of this 56,500sq ft chateau-style home, you wouldn’t want just any old estate agent. Thus it was that Mrs Spelling let her dog Madison help her choose. She had her security bring the dog into the room every time she met one of the candidates and watched his reaction. If Madison didn’t like them, out they went.

It’s LA. What do you expect? I should mention that this house is in Holmby Hills. If you bought it, the Playboy Mansion would be only a short walk away.

I wonder if that’s actually a good thing?

When my regular thing said she had bought a new pair of flip flops I paid no heed. Then she rocked up in these, and I have to say, I was impressed:

Perfect for the beach. In Cap d'Antibe......

They are by Giusepe Zanotti and are available from Neimann Marcus. I was ridiculed for my suggestion, upon receiving the bill, that two pairs of Prada T-Straps might have been more practical….. but no, these are “so worth it”.

Joe Bones. A one man economic stimulus package. Evidently.

“You couldn’t make it up” is an over-used phrase, but it is constantly at the forefront of my mind as I survey the world in which we live. It really is awesome, you know! If your senses are fine-tuned to the ridiculous, there is a never-ending stream of it to amuse you. Honestly, I spend most days weeping with laughter…..

So the latest is that ShamWow! guy, beating, and getting beaten by a hooker in Miami Beach. Quite apart from the fire this has lit under the online debate regarding sexual uses for a ShamWow! (it holds twenty times its weight in liquid etc.), the story of what actually happened is comedy gold. Smoking Gun has these pictures and the story:

The ShamWow! guy (above). His 'ho (below).

Here’s some better-than-fiction, fact:

According to an arrest affidavit, Vince Shlomi met Sasha Harris, 26, at a Miami Beach nightclub on February 7 and subsequently retired with her to his $750 room at the lavish Setai hotel. Shlomi told cops he paid Harris about $1000 in cash after she “propositioned him for straight sex.” Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly “bit his tongue and would not let go.” Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue.

Kissing hookers? Hmmmmmmm………? for foreign readers, here is the original ShamWow ad:

Highlighting the fact that it is a German product and “therefore” of high quality is odd, in terms of brand association: Panzers! V-Weapons! The Condor Legion! ShamWow…….! Oh, now I see it!

I nearly mentioned human-skin lampshades.

I appreciate quality in all things. Part of my mission with rivercityvibe (and it is a mission – with a unifying purpose, rehearsals, synchronizing of watches – the whole lot) is to highlight quality to the faithful. That’s what I am doing here, with perhaps the best example of vocal range, control and singing talent I have ever seen. It’s Chrissie Hynde singing Radiohead’s classic Creep. Grip your ADHD by the balls and watch the whole thing. You’ll be better for it:

The peculiar karaoke lyrics are annoying, aren’t they? But most would agree – that is pretty fucking awesome. I saw The Pretenders live about eight years ago. Chrissie had just been married for the third time, to a Colombian guy who she brought on stage and announced to all that she only married him for the quality coke he had access to…….

It didn’t last. The marriage, I mean. Don’t know about the coke.

Gemma Atkinson, of course. What she lacks in style and grace she more than makes up for with….rack.

Not a German

Gemma is a Brit – an ally of ours whenever the Germans get restless. It’s nice to have non-German hottie for once. To balance the Bundchens and the Klums.

The usual source tells us,

Since 2006, she has appeared in FHM’s 100 Sexiest List, debuting at number 32 in 2006; following her appearance on the cover of FHM, she moved up to 23 in 2007; and in 2008, she rose again to number 18.

Now she has been featured in Something for the Weekend she can confidently expect to improve her ranking.

We’re not big on the NBA here in Jax. More a college basketball town. But you’ve got to respect ridiculous skill. Here’s LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers being interviewed for 60 Minutes: