rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

Okay. You know how everyone is going on about Twitter and how awesome it is, yeah? I mean, literally, EVERYONE is shooting their mouths off about how awesome it is to receive a “twat” from your buddies and how funny some celebrities are (Christopher Walken is often cited, at this point. And he is VERY funny).

With this level of interest it takes balls of fury to post a picture of your wife’s ass in a bikini on Twitter. Particularly if you are Ashton Kutcher and your wife is Demi Moore:

The posterior of Mrs. Kutcher

The point of this is to A. Showcase Demi Moore’s ass, and B. To draw attention to rivercityvibe on Twitter. We are there. I usually “twat” every time I post, BUT (and this is the magic part) I also have Twitter-only content for loyal readers, including more pictures of Babyann Hernandez. How awesome is that?

Join the party, everyone. It’s on Twitter (as well as in my pants).

Oh, we’re on Facebook. too.

One of the unhelpful puritanical laws we have in this great country prohibits distilling your own liquor. A shame, this, because from colonial times we, particularly in the south, have maintained a solid expertise in this area. The oh-so-foolish prohibition period, between 1920 and 1933 had the effect of adding clandestine skills that would have shamed the VietCong to the repertoire of the distillers.

One would imagine that this period ended a long time ago. Well, it didn’t, but with the news that last week famed moonshiner ‘Popcorn’ Sutton took his own life rather than go to jail, maybe it has now.

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reports:

… Appalachian moonshiner Marvin “Popcorn” Sutton, whose incorrigible bootlegging ways were as out of step with modern times as his hillbilly beard and overalls, took his own life rather than go to prison for making white lightning, his widow says.

A few hours earlier she had buried Sutton, 62, in a private ceremony in the mountains around Haywood County, N.C., where he grew up. He went to his grave in a pine casket he bought years ago and kept in a bedroom.

The only positive aspect of this story is that he had written a book Me and my Likker currently retailing for a cool $200 on Amazon. He had finished a further book Daddy Moonshine the day he died and, joy of joys, he had recorded many TV shows on the art and science of making ‘shine. Let’s watch one of them, in silence out of respect.

The full video documentary, The Last One is available from Sucker Punch Pictures.

In the interests of fairness, and to balance our references to her as a gender-traitor, a coward and a brainless idiot, here is a picture of a smoking-hot Tyra Banks.

Now I remember.....

Tyra, if you’re reading this, this is what we mean by being FAIR. Everyone gets an even chance. Even you.

Our representative in Washington DC, Ms. Corrine Brown (D FL) has been getting a lot of online exposure lately. I first met Ms. Brown when she pushed in front of me in the line for security at Jax International* Airport. I didn’t know who she was, at first, but I noticed that she had HUGE holes in her hose already (it was 7.30 am). I formed a low opinion of her, which I later revised when I heard her speak in DC. She was not bad at all, in fact. Clearly cared about her constituents and was plain-speaking with no bullshit. Though I did wonder if, perhaps, she had a screw loose……..

Now I have seen the footage below, I wonder no longer. This weird gown she is wearing is evidence enough, but the text of her speech and its delivery leave me in no doubt. We’ve got a live one!

This kind of nuttiness is to be celebrated, not vilified y’all. I thank God for our comedy leaders every single day.

(*international in that we fly to the Bahamas. For two weeks in the summer….)

I’ve been pondering what I could do to cheer up our female readers. They have had a tough time of it of late –  coming to terms with the fact that pole-dancers are now “athletes” rather than “strippers” and being outraged by the behavior of gender-traitor Tyra Banks. Frankly, it’s all been a little too much.

I could not think of anything, so I went about my daily business. Suddenly, while feeding my dog,  a single name came to mind, clear and unbidden –  ‘Jude Law‘, my subconscious said. ‘Jude Law!”

Here he is, courtesy of Just Jared. Lookin’ mighty fine:

Latvian Chimney Sweep

Victorian Pickpocket

There. Feel better now?

This is so huge I am going to post it immediately, in its entirety, without a picture. I say again, without a picture. We have received a communication from Babyann Hernandez’s Mom, Maggie Gottfried, which gives a very personal view of the America’s Next Top Model Audition fiasco, and advances the theory that “the reality is that the auditions were set up to fail from the start.”

On that BOMBSHELL, I give you Babyann’s mom:

I am Babyann Hernandez’ mom, and unfortunately, witness to the chaos. I have been a fan of Tyra Banks since I met her at an autograph signing at the Astor Place Kmart in 1996. She was an amazing, down to earth person, so even as the ordeal was taking place, I couldn’t help but believe she was better than that, and could not or would not stand for the outrage, therefore she would do everything in her power to make amends. But now that time continues to pass with little or no word from Tyra as to how she will repair the damage to her name and reputation, not to mention her loyal fans, one has to wonder.
They keep mentioning the BMW but the reality is the auditions were set up to fail from the start. There was no security, order, organization, the people on line were the ones telling newcomers where to go and where the lines “began and ended,” at around 3AM the crowd became too large to continue to handle itself, and the riot was unavoidable.
To watch my child have to endure the damage and abuse from the riot and then have her dream pulled out from under her, is an experience I could have lived without.
After waiting on line from 1:30AM, we waited for her to be done with “auditions” for over 2 hrs, hopeful of the outcome and happy that if nothing else she would have gotten the opportunity to experience a real audition. When she finally immersed from the crowds in the hotel, with tears in her eyes Babyann said, “ I feel like they mocked my dream, it wasn’t an audition it was a line-up” and then went on to explain her experience or lack thereof.
My heart broke for her. Since she was five all she could talk about was being a model. Unfortunately height was an issue for the kind of modeling she dreamed of, but she had desire, determination and not to mention a killer look, so she continued on her quest and we continue to support her. Then… her “big break”: Shorter models wanted, so we weren’t going to stop until she got an audition. No mountain too high, I told her, all you need is a door to open–how was I to know the door would be slammed in her face, leaving her bruised and confused. “How can my hero do this to me and all of those other great girls I met that day” Babyann said to me on our two hour drive home. What can I say to my daughter, all her life I taught her to be fair and polite, basically “treat others the way you want to be treated,” I told her. What could I say to her at a moment like that? The usual, “everything happens for a reason” just didn’t seem enough. But I told her not to give up, somewhere some way things would work out for the best, they always do. Having taught her to be optimistic, she agreed.
Our family has been cuddling up in the family room on Wednesday nights since the show started. Needless to say, this past Wednesday, none of us could bare even the thought of America’s Next Top Model. I can’t imagine we are the only ones that feel this way. Please let Tyra and CW know we won’t stand for the maltreatment of our loved ones.

So there we have it. Call Tyra’s people, her agent and her manager (“Managers are the ones who care” Entourage). There numbers are on the last post.

I ran the bootleg of the teaser trailer for the upcoming Star Trek movie some months ago because it looked awesome. I got a number of worrying emails from Trekkoids commending me, basically, for spreading their gospel far and wide. Trekkoids like this guy:

Loving the Weber Grill........

Well the new trailer is out and it confirms my impression that this latest in a long line or prequels or story resets is going to be something special. The trailer follows, but if get anymore gobbledygook emails about Klingons, photon torpedoes or the Prime Directive, then that’s it. I’ll assimilate the fucking lot of you:

Selamat pagi, dear readers. Apa kabar? Baik, baik! Bagus, in fact.

I saw this cool ‘interactive ad’ online somewhere and thought I’d share it with y’all. It is for Jakpetz, a large pet store in the Indonesian capital, Jakarta and features Frontline Flea Medicine (Bones approved for use on black Labradors).

I’m not going to explain it – it’s simple. It’s in a huge mall and is designed to be viewed from above. You get it. Strange how effective it is though.

Tarima kasi, Saatchi and Saatchi!

You’ll recall I recently offered a prize to anyone who could send me a picture of America’s Next Top Model aspirant Babyann Hernandez, interviewed by the NY Daily News after the recent riot at the audition? My intent was to further mock the lowering of the 5’7″ height requirements.

Babyann, it turns out, is 5’5″ but makes up for it in other ways. How do I know this? Because she entered the competition herself by sending a dozen pictures and we have had quite a nice chat on email. More importantly, she is a babe and has something of a genuine axe to grind about the way the auditions turned out.

Tidy

You see it turns out that the models were not the only ones panicking. Tyra Banks and her team were doing their nuts, inside, frightened for their own safety. Aware that wholesale cancellation of the audition would likely result in them being chased naked through the streets of NY by a baying crowd of stilletto wearing wannabes, they came up with a half-assed plan to assuage the auditioners, and enable them to get out of Dodge as quickly as possible. Babyann describes it like this:

…….they went outside to try and calm them down they said everyone would be seen…only what they meant was you’d go into a room fill out a form then the camera would would go to each person and you were to state your name age height and weight…No hi’s or  my name is…you couldnt show any personality …and you had to do it quickly…then from that the casting director would pick whoever and those would get to audition the right way.

Needless to say, this technique, which makes the electoral college system seem fair by comparison, meant our girl did not get picked. And there’s only one application per cycle according THE RULES.

nice

Then I remembered that this is a TV show. A reality TV show. The rules mean nothing! So I have already contacted Tyra’s people protesting the treatment of Babyann and the others. I have already expressed outrage (Bones Rule # 3 – but I’m faking, for comic effect) and I advise you to do the same.

I mean, seriously, this is the worst thing to happen since part of Janet Jackson’s boob got shown on TV, right? We need ACTION!

Tyra Banks Manager: Benny Medina, Handprint Entertainment Tel: 310 481 4400

Tyra’s Banks Agent: Nancy Josephson, Endeavor Agency Tel: 310 248 4000

Man the phones, team! We’ve got a wrong to right!

Like most people, I don’t like bullies. I am also something of an intellectual snob (my bad), which means I don’t like idiots either. On top of this,  I can’t stand loudmouths. So give me a bullying idiot with a big mouth and chances are I’ll want to punish him in some way.

Bill O’Reilly is one of these, but actually manages to take it a stage further. Bullying is one thing. But bullying women in pursuit of sexual favors? That’s another, and  O’Reilly is the sex-bullying, bigmouth champion of the world.

(You see, I really don’t like him. Rush? Rush is just greedy. This fucker O’Reilly is a bad, bad person. That’s the long and short of it).

So it is awesome when somebody takes it upon themselves to take him down a peg-or-two.

smug

The back story is that O’Reilly inadvertently exposed his seedy sexual side in his shit novel Those Who Trespass: A Novel of Television and Murder (for chrissakes….), in which he graphically describes a sexual encounter. (I say he exposes his seedy sexual side, but I guess I mean FURTHER exposes it. The sexual harrassment case he settled out of court was probably more of a pointer).

Anyway, he has now, foolishly, recorded an audio-book version of the novel. The good people at Gawker have taken it upon themsleves to interperse audio-excerpts from the book with his TV appearances. Study his seediness, ladies. Dwell on it. Then arm yourselves to the teeth.

Click on the picture for the Gawker footage.

I guess I’m still a little cross about the gold market. Nice to take it out on an asshole like O’Reilly, though. Right?