rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

Precisely the age at which to divorce the loser Ken, invest in a new rack, and hang around Twisted Martini drunk on vodka.

In the early 2000s, we called the up-market version (for some reason) nightfighters. They’d typically lurk in  very expensive bars atop very expensive department stores. They could be found everywhere – New York, Los Angeles, London, Paris, Berlin. Even Nicosia did a hairy version. We all have some nightfighter in our history.

Great days……

There was a time, when The Simpsons was all I watched on TV. It is now the longest running sitcom going. And available in HD. To commemorate this, a new title sequence has been commissioned. Watch the whole thing:

Don’t miss The Simpsons in HD, Sundays at 8/7c, on Fox.

This is awesome. I know they only have a slack-handful of soldiers in Australia, but they’ve pulled their weight over the last 100 years (Vietnam, anyone). Below is a letter from an Australian soldier.

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm – tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack – nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we’ve been on a ‘route march’ – geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ – dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target – it’s a piece of piss!! You don’t even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy – it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers – he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can’t complain about the Army – tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

Brilliant!

The lovely Miranda Kerr. In her BeeBee......

Interesting fact about Miranda Kerr? First Australian Victoria’s Secret model.

There has been a lot of online discussion of Vanilla Ice’s recent apology “for his music”. Why? I have no idea.

No apology necessary, Ice. You were right all along, you are a lyrical poet when you kick yo juice. Ice Ice Baby (the biggest selling rap song of all time) has always been a very special tune, bro. Forget the fact that you are 41 and confused through constant drug and alcohol abuse. It’s all goo’.  Remember the goo’ times. Here he is (and I’m following with all the lyrics. Because they are so awesome):

Yo VIP let’s kick it

Ice ice baby (x2)
All right stop collaborate and listen
Ice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
Will it ever stop yo I don’t know
Turn off the lights and I’ll glow
To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle
Dance go rush to the speaker that booms
I’m killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom
Deadly when I play a dope melody
Anything less than the best is a felony
Love it or leave it you better gain weight
You better hit bull’s eye the kid don’t play
If there was a problem yo I’ll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it

CHORUS
Ice ice baby vanillla (x4)

Now that the party is jumping
With the bass kicked in and the vegas are pumpin’
Quick to the point to the point no faking
I’m cooking MC’s like a pound of bacon
Burning them if you ain’t quick and nimble
I go crazy when I hear a cymbal
And a hi-hat with a souped up tempo
I’m on a roll and it’s time to go solo
Rollin’ in my 5.0
With my rag-top down so my hair can blow
The girlies on standby waving just to say hi
Did you stop no I just drove by
Kept on pursuing to the next stop
I busted a left and I’m heading to the next block
The block was dead
Yo so I continued to A1A Beachfront Avenue
Girls were hot wearing less than bikinis
Rockman lovers driving Lamborghinis
Jealous ’cause I’m out getting mine
Shay with a guage and Vanilla with a nine
Reading for the chumps on the wall
The chumps acting ill because they’re so full of eight balls
Gunshots rang out like a bell
I grabbed my nine all I heard were shells
Falling on the concrete real fast
Jumped in my car slammed on the gas
Bumpet to bumper the avenue’s packed
I’m trying to get away before the jackers jack
Police on the scene you know what I mean
They passed me up confronted all the dope fiends
If there was a problem yo I’ll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it

REPEAT CHORUS

Take heed ’cause I’m a lyrical poet
Miami’s on the scene just in case you didn’t know it
My town that created all the bass sound
Enough to shake and kick holes in the ground
‘Cause my style’s like a chemical spill
Feasible rhymes that you can vision and feel
Conducted and formed
This is a hell of a concept
We make it hype and you want to step with this
Shay plays on the fade slice like a ninja
Cut like a razor blade so fast other DJs say damn
If my rhyme was a drug I’d sell it by the gram
Keep my composure when it’s time to get loose
Magnetized by the mic while I kick my juice
If there was a problem yo I’ll solve it
Check out the hook while Shay revolves it

Ice ice baby vanilla
Ice ice baby (oh-oh) vanilla
Ice ice baby vanilla
Ice ice baby vanilla ice
Yo man let’s get out of here
Word to your mother
Ice ice baby too cold
Ice ice baby too cold too cold (x2)
Ice ice baby

Just awesome. Word to all y’alls mothers.

As is my habit, I watched an episode of Entourage, On Demand, while I had lunch yesterday at Bones’ hideout. (I had Crawfish Bisque – hey, there’s a recession on….). It was one of those series three episodes, just after Vince has told the studio to kiss his swingers over the remastered Queen’s Boulevard. The boys are planning a trip to Vegas. At this stage, I noticed a bottle of wine on the table with it’s label ostentatiously pointed toward the camera (love that product placement). The label declared in big letters JAX.

For all I know it may be well known.

Some online research by a minion rapidly revealed this wine had nothing whatsoever to do with our great city. Nothing.

If you want it, for the vibe (I have no idea how it drinks), click HERE.

It had me going for a minute, there, though……

Glamor Magazine is running an American Icons series in which B-Listers get to dress as somebody’s idea of  noteworthy individuals and have their picture taken.  I can’t pretend I understand the thought processes of the creative team. They’ve got Emma Stone as the (fictional) Carrie Bradshaw, Hayden Panettiere as Amelia Earhart, Emma Roberts as Audrey Hepburn, and bizarrely, Alicia Keyes as Michelle Obama.

Our own, best beloved, Lindsay Lohan is dressed as Madonna. The early eighties version, I am relieved to announce:

Absent: disfiguring mole. Present: larger rack.

Hmmmmm.

I am not sure about this one……

It’s monkeying with my mind.

You can tell by this picture of her self-administering what a marine sniper might call “a forward assist”.

priceless paparazzi shot......

We were all shocked at how Britney Spears’ behavior over the last couple of years managed to inadvertently rehabilitate the reputation of her ex-husband K-Fed, changing public perception of him as a money-grabbing layabout of limited talent, to  “the sensible parent”, rooted and clear-headed,  with only their childrens’ best interests at heart.

It’s been a long road back for Spears. Her new tour has just launched in New Orleans and she is looking good. K-Fed, on the other hand……. well, I’ll let the pictures tell the story:

"I wish I had a penis"

K-Fed now to be known as Well-Fed

I mean, what is it with these two? Do they share a groceries budget? One gets to eat and one doesn’t, at any one time?

I generally get wine delivered by the case to Bones HQ. It is a system that can be automated, so I do not have to rely on my sundry minions to make choices for me. Thus I avoid the traumatic clusterfucks of the past (Chinese Sparkling Wine-Drink? I think not, Donald).

Occasionally, however, I am missing something from my cellar. A couple of days ago, it was noted by my Regular Thing that we had run out of Muscat which had been earmarked for “dessert” (we were giving dinner to some business magnates who had flown in, eager to hear my post-France report. They rely on me for updates on various matters of significance…..). When these situations arise there is only one person to see: Bernie, at Wine Warehouse, on Edgewood.

Now I love wine (and most other boozes). But I adore beer. That’s a fact. So, imagine my delight when my Regular Thing came back, not only with the required Muscat, but also with a beer I have never tried before. Now try and imagine my joy when it turned out to be DOUBLE AWESOME!

A Delicious Beverage

I would say, actually, that I enjoyed this Lagunitas IPA more than a Dogfish Head IPA (60, I mean. The others cannot be beat). I know that India Pale Ales are massively over-exposed at the moment, but I am excusing myself by simply stating that they are particularly delicious…….

Go and see Bernie and get half a dozen of these badgers. You won’t regret it.