rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

There’s a cloistered hush on the electronic highways and byways of corporate America. I haven’t had a business email since Friday. The inauguration of the 44th President of the United States is three hours away and presumably everyone is either in D.C. or watching the celebrations on the mall on TV. It’s MAYHEM there.

People are actually celebrating as opposed to simply observing this inauguration. Parties are breaking out all over the place. Periodically, some mainstream political pundit will attempt to remind us of the solemnity of the occasion, its importance to our country and the long history of tradition that the ceremony represents. It’s a somber event, they tell us, we should conduct ourselves with dignity, respecting the institutions and the office of our great country. There’s no room for levity.

THAT'S what I'm talking about......

Well that’s like a red rag to a bull for people like me. I spurn the very concept as I would spurn a rabid dog. The parties and the crazy fun are a tangible expression of the pursuit of happiness, surely? Also, levity is my middle name. Joe Levity Bones.

I am told this would not be the right time for me to post the celebrated Team America video (made by two GREAT Americans from Colorado and Texas), so here it is (lyrics NSFW):

Enjoy the celebrations, ya’ll.

I often, when considering even the most mundane courses of action, apply the Principles of War, as espoused by that one guy, Carl Von Clausewitz (he’s a Prussian, which is a type of German).

Only this weekend, I used them to evaluate how robust my decision-making was in relation to the  effective routing of the bamboo pipes in my new Home Permaculture Project, which is designed to free me from bondage to the water barons at JEA.

One of these principles which often looms large in my mind, is the Maintenance of Morale. This might be my favorite. My friend, The Hog, prefers Economy of Effort, but I have to say, in all things, I consider the maintenance of morale probably the most important factor in any plan. That’s why my plans generally have a beer component.

Yet another long and obscure introduction to a clip, which, to my mind, illustrates the principle perfectly:

Watch it again and look at the guys’ faces. Very funny.

Boy George, the 80’s popstar who redefined himself for the dancemusic era, has just begun a fifteen month sentence for handcuffing a rent boy to a wall and beating him with a chain.

(I know. That’s apparently illegal now. Who knew? I’m pretty sure the law doesn’t apply  to hetero-sexuals, though. Phew! Thanks, bigotry!)

Anyway, I was struck by the deterioration in his appearance over the last 25 years.:

Back in the day.....

now

Obviously accompanying his bondage with a side dish of pie. Shame

*The worst post headline so far. I rule!

Back to the usual highbrow fare after the weekend……. Enjoy the rugby, Jacksonville.

Almost exactly ten years ago I found myself atop a cargo of live poultry, on a gaudily painted boat chugging across the Andaman sea. My destination was Krabi, a laid-back beach resort in south west Thailand.  I needed a rest. (I had just been forced to flee the violence in East Timor.  Australian UN troops arrived in armed helicopters. That was my cue to leave…… I shit you not).

Anyway, I was beginning to relax, and was delighted to see another westerner on board. He was tall, athletic looking and, as it turned out, German. I tried to strike up a conversation (auf Deutsch, naturlich….) but he was not interested. He kept staring at the large limestone things, that are a feature of those parts. He looked weird. It was about at this point I noticed he had two backpacks……

Large limestone 'things'

One was the usual, the other seemed more sort of technical. I questioned him (much as my grandfather might have questioned his grandfather after the battle of El Alamein) and he told me it was “his parachute” and that he was Deutschland’s nummer zwei BASE jumper, ja? In town to jump off a few cliffs with his parachute on. Wikipedia describes BASE jumping as:

BASE jumping is an activity that employs a parachute or the sequenced use of a wingsuit and parachute to jump from fixed objects–with the parachute unopened at the jump.

It turns out he was on his way back from Vietnam, where a convention of German BASE jumpers had taken place. He arrived there as Number 4 German BASE jumper, but, you’ve guessed it, a process of attrition moved him up the ladder. Apparently the former number 3 was his brother…….

At this maudlin turn of events, I wished him luck and  went to sit in the bow of the boat where I consoled myself with a few swigs from my last bottle of Sang Thip (with added formaldehyde). I never saw him again, once we disembarked. I reckon he’s a gonner, though. He had that look about him.

Anyway, long way of introducing this rather special clip……

Only a idiot would try this at home.

Salma Hayek, eleven years ago. Compare and contrast…….

All things considered, I prefer the new model

Gratuitous pictures of busty babes. That’s how we roll.

….with Verne Troyer. The nailer of Playboy models is in the news again, this time for his antics on UK Celebrity Big Brother. As my friend The Hog actually once said, little people “as everybody knows, are always getting into ‘scrapes'”. If Verne is anything to go by, he is absolutely correct. Look at these pictures:

shame

And eating a pot of honey, like Pooh.

shame shame

I am not sure what to make of all this. It just doesn’t seem right, somehow………

Ricardo Montalban has joined the choir invisible, aged 88. I hope and pray that in heaven, he has well-deserved respite from those pranksters who follow him around shouting “The plane! The plane!” (though come to think of it, following Ricardo around all day shouting that is pretty close to my idea of heaven……)

Perma-tan? Check.

Of course, to some of us his TV days were not his best. Some of us will remember him for his movie roles, such as that of “Fiesta Specialty Dancer” in The Kissing Bandit (1948).

I also respect him for his realistic view of his own profession. The usual source tells us:

In several interviews and public speeches, Montalbán described “the five stages of the actor” as follows:

1. Who is Ricardo Montalbán?
2. Get me Ricardo Montalbán.
3. Get me a Ricardo Montalbán type.
4. Get me a young Ricardo Montalbán.
5. Who is Ricardo Montalbán?

Nicely put.

We are fans of Ferrells’s canon of work, here at rivercityvibe. The iconic Frank “The Tank” Ricard is high in our pantheon of heroes, right up there with Bill Donovan and Larry “Buster” Crabbe. He’s always worth watching (apart from in Elf), particularly, when he is with that one guy, John C. Reilly, from Talladega Nights…..

So I could not recommend  Stepbrothers more highly. A hilarious movie with an important message (something to do with “activities”)……

I recommend you buy it. It’s at Target. Here’s the trailer:

Oh, and you may, like a buddy of mine, purchase in error, the standard DVD. Avoid this. Pay an extra seven bucks and get the Double DVD version. I have no idea what’s on the second disc (it slipped under the sofa) but I reckon it’s awesome……

Some of you appear to be under the impression that I am your jail-bitch, here to do whatever you ask, without question, with at least feigned enthusiasm. Only this can explain the impertinent DEMANDS for me to post the Hayek picture alluded to below.

A reliable standby.

So there we have it. I hope you’re happy

(* This rule is subject to a number of exceptions).