rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

Before I recount the tale of the awesome time I had at Pete’s at Neptune Beach, this Thanksgiving, I must first tell you about the BIZARRE and unsettling experience I had last year.

It quite freaked me out at the time.

As is the Bone’s Tradition, I give the staff the day off and eat Thanksgiving Lunch out. For years we used to go to the Ritz Carlton, Amelia Island (via Pete’s, naturally), but I was increasingly unimpressed, so last year, for the first time, we switched to Casa Monica, in St. Augustine.

In many ways, it was perfect. Fine food, fine wines and a great atmosphere of effortless luxury. Well worth the 30 minute drive alongside drunks on A1A.

Weirdos as guests.

My family and I drank stimulating drinks in their beautiful bar, before being escorted to our table in the sweet spot of the restaurant. It was about 2 pm. As we passed by our fellow diners, an older member of my party stopped to admire a tiny baby in a bassinet, next to a table. We seated ourselves and I began to scan the wine list.

My older relative seemed perturbed. I looked at him, he leaned forward and said, sotto voce, “Is that baby okay. It looks blue.” I looked over, the presumed mother (who was older than one would have expected) seemed unconcerned, she was tucking the child in, and speaking softly to it. Unsure how to express our concerns, I called over the maitre’d and tactfully inquired as to whether, in his opinion, everything was alright. He rolled his eyes, and explained, under his breath, that these concerns had been expressed by various diners for the past couple of hours, he had investigated and (stand by for this) had ascertained that the baby was in fact a lifelike doll, manufactured to look like a premature newborn.

I raised an eyebrow, “Pardonez moi?”

He repeated what he had said. He added that he had recently escorted a tearful nine year old girl and her parents from the premises after the girl freaked out because the “child” was “not breathing”. He noted that the “mother” refused to acknowledge that the doll was anything but real…..

I looked at our fellow diners. Some of them wore strained expressions – presumably those in the know….. After the initial disbelief wore off, some of my party began to laugh, uncontrollably and loud. I on the other hand, conscious of my duty to my public, got up and headed for the bassinet to mock and take pictures.

That ain't right.......

I questioned the “mother” and she seemed relatively normal, as long as you did not venture too near the”child” or discuss the fact that “it” was a doll – then she became unhinged. I should also note (and I will forever blame myself for not getting a picture) that her male dining companion was odd, too. He had a bowl haircut and a large mustache that made him appear, well, Belgian, if you know what I mean? My regular thing noted that, though surrounded by delicious food of all kinds, he seemed to be limiting his intake to plate after plate of collared greens……..

I have since researched this “fake baby” phenomenon (they are known as “reborns”). There is an excellent explanatory story on MSNBC, which tells all. Read it HERE.

Lunch was outstanding, by the way. I had obligations, this year, but it will be Casa Monica everytime, from now on………

There’s  a lot of talk about this so-called recession. I have told you before, if you’d followed my lead and grounded your wealth in blood diamonds and Chechen gold, you wouldn’t have these worries. Despite the horror stories, I have to say I see signs of conspicuous consumption where ever I look. For instance, I have been following the refurbishment of a number of buildings in 32210 with considerable interest. Here’s one of them, recently completed:

Must be hurtin'

That white stuff, ALL OVER the outside of the house? That’s marble, just in case you were wondering.

I usually keep an upbeat tone to my posts about our great city, something that is not difficult. Our climate, our wonderful river and beach life, and our culturally pivotal geography, sandwiched as we are between South Georgia and the rest of Florida, allows us a quality of life that many envy. That said,  I need to touch on, for a moment, something not too awesome. Our AMAZING crime situation.

There were two so-called police involved shootings last night. One of the them  started in 32210. I heard the sirens and my dog went bananas (was it “Little Saigon” that was robbed? I don’t know yet.)  The po pos came under fire and took down two miscreants – shot them dead. These are the 26th and 27th police involved shootings this year. 14 baddies have been killed and four police officers shot. It’s like fucking Deadwood out there.

Jacksonville is worse.

Apparently, according to the apologists, the ridiculous number of shootings is a product of the fact that we have an above average number of gangstas because we sit at the intersection of major drug-running routes, up I 95 and East/West on I 10. We are also vulnerable to go-fast boats from the sea.

Whatever the excuse, it is getting out of hand. I am going to have to hire YET MORE armed guards for Bones’ hideout (with the associated uniform costs), position some more Claymore mines (“Front towards meth-head”) and, for my personal protection I will be investing in the concealed-carry version of this.

As y’all know, I am unimpressed by those who are famous for “being famous”. I prefer those who have earned their fame, like Lohan, who is a working actress (and if you’ve seen any of her movies and can ignore the BS online, not a bad one). I am not impressed by Hilton and her friends, but on this occasion, I am going to make an exception for Kardashian. For the following reason:

Tidy.

I’ll remind you who this is – Kim Kardashian, famous for copulating with a sports star on camera. That and the picture above is all you need to know. Period. Zip. Finis. There is nothing more of interest.

Bones out.

There is the usual faux furore online and in the news, about a Canadian Facebook group which promotes an event called Kick a Ginger Day. I know a couple of tough Gingers and I wouldn’t mess with them. That said, they’re helping out in the Congo currently, so are unavailable.

So basically, though you may despise them (because they smell of piss and cookies) I would not advise kicking Gingers, on this day or any other. Also, be very careful if you intend to have any sexual congress with them – set some boundaries. In my experience, there may be a few surprises down there. Enough said.

Here is Julianne Moore:

Approach with caution. Seriously.

In other news, I am considering starting a “Kick an Emo Day”.

* Spoiler Warning * Spoiler Warning * Spoiler Warning * Spoiler Warning*

You know from previous posts that I have been enjoying the current series of Entourage way too much. It has had some great scenes, and some interesting plot developments. For those of you who are waiting to see it on DVD,  you may wish to look away now, because in order to explain some real-life news, I have to talk about some series developments that occurred in last Sunday’s episode.

A couple of episodes ago, Turtle, the fat, hairy but very likable character played by that one guy, benefited from some ‘hand relief’ while sitting next to actress Jamie-Lynn Sigler on a plane. She’s the one that played Meadows Soprano in….errrrr….. the Sopranos…. In Entourage, she plays herself . Last Sunday, in the show, the scriptwriters pushed the bounds of credibility by having Jamie-Lynn call Turtle up for a booty-call  – and it looked like they were making progress toward a permanent boyfriend/girlfriend thing.

The unbelievable news is, they are DATING IN REAL LIFE!

Can we say "punching above his weight"?

Now I know that the typical rivercityvibe reader is tall, lean, and well-dressed, but it must give someone, somewhere, a ray of hope that round little Turtle, with his back-hair and man-boobs can trap an acceptable piece of ass like Jamie-Lynn Sigler.

[By the way, it appears Jamie-Lynn’s another one! What’s with the German name vibe?!  This is a bad one – like Sigler heil! Come to think of it, isn’t Turtle Italian? This is the Axis Powers in a Hollywood couple. Watch out Abbysinia. Make your preparations now, Libya. They’ll be recreating the battle of Mersa Matruh in their bedroom before Jamie-Lynn can say Gott in Himmel!]

I have already (naturally) commented on the recent double-awesome Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Since then, my agents further south have been constantly sending me new shots of various VS models using their downtime wisely on the beach. I have ignored these, choosing not to post them as part of my new commitment to a more equitable approach to postings. This involves balancing pictures of comely frippets with items that appeal to male and female readers equally.

I’m a closet feminist, see?

Anyway, I had to post the following freak-of-nature. It appears that one of the models, a Ms. Karolina Kurkova has been cavorting on the beach…. without a belly-button. Evidence follows:

Now, that ain’t right. I am pretty sure they burn people alive for such deformities in Palatka. The folks at the BBC have a technical and deathly boring explanation for it all. I love the comment made by Kurkova’s agent:

Ms Kurkova has not spoken publicly about how she came to have a smooth navel, and all her agent will say is “she’s not an alien”.

Now, I am told by people who know, that the first rule in handling situations like this is “never repeat the negative”. The example always used is of Richard Nixon. When he said, I am not a crook!” we knew he was a crook. In this case, the fact her agent has said, “she is not an alien” has convinced me beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is not of this world.

But, let’s face it, she could be eating mice like the lizards off V and It wouldn’t make a bit of difference if she visited my wigwam.

This is not a site for breaking news*, but I feel I must let my readers know that the Navy has given the go-ahead for a Nuclear Aircraft Carrier to be home-based in Mayport. Most in Jacksonville see this as overwhelmingly good news, offsetting the increased likelihood of Jacksonville being destroyed outright when Vladimir Putin decides to neutralize US Second Strike Capability, with the undoubted economic benefits such a decision brings to the region.

The Price of Freedom.

Jacksonville/Mayport has been without an aircraft carrier since the USS John F. Kennedy was retired last year. The local rag reports:

The Navy will recommend homeporting a nuclear-powered aircraft carrier at Mayport Naval Station when it releases its environmental impact statement Friday.

The final version of the statement examining 13 options for Mayport will declare the carrier options the Navy’s preferred alternative, Sen. Bill Nelson’s office said Monday afternoon.

Once the chief of naval operations makes the recommendation to the secretary of the Navy, the secretary will sign off on a decision sometime after Dec. 21. Although technically an option other the recommendation could be accepted, Nelson said Monday afternoon that “it’s a done deal.”

(*rather, for lame celebrity gossip and pictures of Lohan’s rack, mainly.)

This is the best post ever. I won’t bore you with too much well-judged, cynical prose, I will just introduce the topic. We are discussing here, the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show:

I know, there have been far to many male-centric posts of late. I promise to throw our female readers a decent bone (kyak kyak) very soon. The problem is, I don’t think there is an equivalent experience in the life of a teenage girl to the 13 year old boy’s discovery of the Victoria’s Secret catalogue…….

You will recall some weeks ago I posted for the benefit of our foreign readers (Selamat Datang, by the way, to newcomers Malaysia!) an account of our local fauna, here in Florida. The post centered on the fact that our alligators are partial to the odd black bear, come lunchtime. Now it seems that it is not only the wild creatures that we must beware of. House pets also pose a hazard.

Not to be confused with the silicone and lipstick version

The creature above is a cougar. An actual big cat, related to lions and tigers. It should not be confused with the other  “cougar” defined as a “sexually predatory woman of advanced years, likely to be found on Thursdays at Twisted Martini”.

This is a creature designed by the maker to hunt and kill. It turns out that if you can tame one, they make quite efficient guard dogs, too. A local TV station in Miami reports:

A teen is recovering in the hospital after being mauled by a cougar.

Police said the 70-pound cougar attacked a 16-year-old girl in Northwest Miami-Dade County Saturday afternoon. The cougar, named Chaos, was secured in the back of a home … when Anthony Zittnick decided he wanted to show off the big cat to a friend, neighbors said.The owner was not home and Zittnick did not have permission to be in the house, police said.Richard Morales, a neighbor, heard the screams for help and rushed over to help. Morales said when he got there the cougar had the girl by the head. Zittnick is facing charges of burglary into an occupied dwelling.

So not only has the guy nearly killed his girlfriend (and will no doubt have to answer to the girl’s parents) but he is going to jail too. All we need is a gunshot wound, the confederate flag and a couple of tacos and this story would have everything a story about Florida needs…..