rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

Don’t go breaking my heart
You take the weight off me
Honey when you knocked on my door
I gave you my key

Nobody knows it
When I was down
I was your clown
Nobody knows it
Right from the start
I gave you my heart
I gave you my heart

So don’t go breaking my heart
I won’t go breaking your heart
Don’t go breaking my heart

And nobody told us
`Cause nobody showed us
And now it’s up to us babe
I think we can make it

So don’t misunderstand me
You put the light in my life
You put the sparks to the flame
I’ve got your heart in my sights

Apparently, writers on websites like these are supposed to adhere to the golden rule of not ‘clustering’ stories on the same subject together, instead spreading them out over decent periods of time. In normal circumstances, I would comply, but right now, I am so fucking bored with this election, I must post about Heidi Klum again or remove my ear drums with an oyster shucker.

I know, deep down, that Heidi is a vacuous, over-serious, German bore with an annoying child’s sense of humor. These are all minuses in my book*. She has big pluses, though, in that she is no-holds-barred hot and she keeps doing things that I respect. One of those things is this ad (for God-only-knows-what), based on Tom Cruise’s CLASSIC performance in Risky Business (1983):

Awesome. I know some ladies who would benefit greatly from studying the techniques used in this very carefully.

(*Kommen! Kann nicht sie einen witz nehmen?)

I went to see RocknRolla this weekend, primarily to express support for Guy Ritchie in his hilarious divorce battle with Madonna. It is what critics since the Italian Job have referred to as a ‘British crime caper.’ (Indeed that is the only use of the word ‘caper’ you will see these days. The word has become solely associated with violent but funny movies that claim to be about the London underworld. It’s true. I’ve checked).

The bottom line is, if you liked Snatch and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, you’ll like this –  I did. There are some interesting elements to it. The role of a Russian oligarch, clearly based on Roman Abramovich (right down to the soccer stadium offices) was a nice touch. I liked his use of ex-Russian military hardmen who spend their downtime comparing wounds gained fighting in Chechnya. They pursue the likable protagonists Terminator-style, providing some of the most unpleasant violence of the movie and some of the best laughs.

Great characters abound. As in most of his movies Ritchie manages to sketch them out in a pretty short space of time.  In the running for the best is the character of Johnny Quidd a crack-head rock star who has a reputation for consistently faking his own death (a reputation Bones once shared. But that’s for another time…..)

Good movie. Go see it. Remember, if visiting AMC Orange Park, use the buddy-system and be prepared to break down into pairs fire-and-maneuver at a moment’s notice….

It is well known among the cognoscenti that Heidi Klum is a big fan of dressing up. She loves Halloween more than most 6 year olds and always comes up with an outfit that is amazing. This is this year’s:

Hindu groups have protested.

When assessing the relative awesomeness of costumes please benchmark against Joe’s celebrated ‘gay construction worker’ outfit which is still talked about in some circles. Who knew that the addition of a droopy mustache and a rainbow lightning helmet sticker would be so transformational?

At the end of last week I promised to follow-up with you about the Bond Girl, Olga Kurylenko, who featured as the subject of Something for the Weekend # 4. And judging by your emails, she was a very popular subject.

That’s my genius.

It seems, however, that certain parties are not as impressed. The London Telegraph reports:

The Communists of St. Petersburg and Leningrad Region, a hardline splinter group, issued a blood-curdling tirade against Kurylenko, saying that she had betrayed her homeland by appearing with James Bond and deserved the fate of World War II traitors who slept with “enemies of the people.”

In a Stalinist-style open letter, posted on its website yesterday, the Communists described James Bond as an “American spy” who had killed “hundreds of Soviet people and their allies.”

Before we dissect this, let’s remind ourselves just who this is aimed at:

Hi. It's me - from Friday.

There appears to be a disconnect, somewhere. First, unless I am very much mistaken, the Bond films are fictional. Second, Bond is supposed to be British, and third (and this is what perplexes me the most) Russia isn’t communist any more. Is it?

The Telegraph’s  final paragraph puts it in context. Clearly someone in the press office at the Communist Party of St. Petersburg is having a laugh at the expense of the western media:

The group, which claims 500 members, has also condemned Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, which features an evil KGB agent played by Cate Blanchett.

Saturday was a day that will be remembered in infamy by my regular thing. It was she who had to scrape me off the tarmac outside the YMCA whence I had wandered, apparently, from the Landing, which I had reached, evidently, via some watercraft or other after a prolonged tailgating session…….

Needless to say, the tailgating was beyond awesome. The festive mood was off the dial and Gator’s and Dawgs alike approached the celebrations in a mood of mutual admiration and commitment to shared fellowship.

Well some of them did. Others, like these guys below,  sought to subvert the whole deal by masquerading as Dawgs when they were really dyed-in-the-wool Gators. They effectively established a fifth column among Dawg supporters:

Consorting with the enemy?

All is revealed

I am already looking forward to next year.

What’s that?

You want to know the score?

You mean who won the game?

I haven’t a clue. Google it.

This young lady is starring in the new James Bond film. I shall have much more to say about her shortly, so I’ll dispense with the biographical details, for now:

That's a whole quantum of solace, right there......

I need a lie-down.

You could not make this story up – a gift, an absolute gift. Anything that links cops with donuts connects us  to a deep vein of humor running through our society.

In this case, a campus police officer is accused of stealing $300 worth of donuts. When quizzed, he said, “All I wanted to do was achieve the perfect T.J. Hooker ‘look'”.

T.J. Hooker - no stranger to donuts

NBC has the story. It says:

State police say an upstate New York college campus policeman was helping himself to free pastries at a local convenience store.

The Valero Nice N Easy offers free coffee to any police officer in uniform.

Sgt. Steve Brody of the Morrissville State College University stopped daily to buy a newspaper and pick up a free cup of coffee. He also routinely stuffed a pastry into his coat.

Actually, now I think about it, this guy was only campus police. State Police hate these renatacop guys. That said, no doubt university authorities will soon have Sgt. Brody back on duty busting Iraq war veteran freshman for the crime of drinking beer at age 20.

My business interests had me moving in mysterious ways downtown, last night. I rarely go there, preferring to stick close to HQ or hideout in 32210. I was BLOWN away by the preparations for the Game, Saturday. Basically, the periphery of downtown has been turned into a series of RV parks and the tailgating has begun in earnest. This is on Wednesday. The game is Saturday.

For our foreign readers (this week we welcome Lithuania and the Seychelles to the party – sveiki and Bonjou, my friends!) the big deal is the annual football game between the University of Florida Gators and the University of Georgia bulldogs. It is played in Jacksonville every year and it is chaos, pure chaos. In a good way.

My camera went missing recently, (in circumstances that indicate the possible involvement of a meth head – more on the investigation and planned retribution to follow), so I was unable to take my own pics. The local rag is running a series:

Pandemonium

Obviously, in common with most of Jacksonville, I won’t actually be going to the game, but I WILL be going to the tailgate and I’ll be taking a (new) camera. Keep your eyes open for me. If you are ridiculous enough, you could be featured on…. rivercityvibe!

MojoHD is quickly turning into my favorite basic cable channel. It cannot really compete with the high budget output of HBO or Sho (Entourage and Californication spring to mind] but shows like Three Sheets with Zane Lamprey (made-up name) have made regular watchers of Joe and his buddies. Who doesn’t want to watch a guy visit the fleshpots of the world in order to test the ways in which the locals get shitfaced?

[My regular thing has just pointed out that the answer to that question is “women”. Thanks for the input]

Anyway, they’ve gone one better. Now the guy is traipsing around the world trying to get laid.

Awesome premise. Awesome show.

This time, the protagonist’s made-up name is Eric Van Wyck (trying to ‘dip his ‘Van Wyck’, no doubt. Ha.)

This is him in action:

If you visit the MojoHD website there is a forum where viewers can leave their own observations. As with most fora (or forums in internet-ese) this one is populated with some seriously strange rangers who are WAY too into this. I tell you this to warn you. Here is a cautionary example:

that’s was out of control!
what exactly was tacking place under that blanket (Mexico tour)
and what did they extract from her and put on a paper plate that was meant for a slice of pizza
first i was disgusted, and then, in a matter of seconds, I was actually turned on, SHA-WING!!!!!
so are you officially “married” now?
Eric Vanwhatchyaname YOU’RE LIVIN’ THE DREAM

…. BEAU-TI-FUL…. YOUR BEAU-TI-FUL….