rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

I have lost the will to live. It turns out that one of Joe’s babes foolishly got married this weekend. My agents tell me that the lovely Scarlett Johansson married a Canadian, in Canada, on Saturday.

May I remind readers that Scarlett is tipped to play the lead role in the upcoming biopic of 80’s TV legend Jenna Jameson.

The Florida Times-Union is reporting that Forest Whitaker, the actor who won an academy award for his portrayal of Ugandan despot Idi Amin Dada in The Last King of Scotland, will be campaigning for Barack Obama in Jacksonville, tomorrow.

Sporting a Glengarry.......

The paper says,

Whitaker will speak about 11  a.m. in the Milne Auditorium on Edward Waters’ campus about the important of college students registering to vote. The speech is free to all. He’ll then head to UNF’s campus to speak about 12:15 p.m. on The Green. He’ll then travel to other campuses across Florida.

I am imagine being a good 250 lbs and being a black belt in karate, Mr. Whitaker hasn’t experienced the same kind of challenges other folks named Forest ritually face these days.

(He really is a black belt. Look it up).

The longer I live in Jacksonville, the more weirdos I come across. Eccentrics, obsessive enthusiasts and out-and-out lunatics all rub shoulders on the banks of the St. Johns River. They form multiple subcultures, of which many of us remain totally unaware

They usually welcome Joe with open arms. They understand that I have a duty to my public to report the peculiar. So, this is the first in an occasional series. We’re starting with the local chapter of the Laurel & Hardy Worldwide Fan Club.

"C'mon Stanley..."

Now, my agents tell me that this whole Laurel and Hardy Fan Club gig is bigger than Ben Hur. Apparently its a GLOBAL movement, like the boy scouts or Al Qaeda. They are called “the Sons of the Desert”. WIKIPEDIA says:

The Sons of the Desert is a Laurel and Hardy appreciation group founded in 1965 by L & H biographer and admirer John McCabe. There are now chapters all over the world. The organization was named after the comedy film Sons of the Desert.

Each local chapter is known as a “tent” and is named after one of the comedy team’s movie titles. For example, the Hollywood tent is called “Way Out West,” the Boston members are the “Brats,” and the Glasgow Sons belong to “Bonnie Scotland.”

Jacksonville’s ‘Tent’ is the “Any Old Port Tent“. You see what they did there? Nice.

Any old Jaxport

“Tent” meetings take place monthly and movies are shown. The movie Any Old Port which I saw on TV when I was 8, is described on the ‘Tent” website:

Ashore from a whaling voyage, Stan and Ollie check into a seedy hotel, to find a equally seedy proprietor trying to force a young girl to marry him. They rescue a girl but leave their money behind. To raise some cash, Ollie happens upon an old friend who is looking for boxers for a prize fight. He offers Ollie $50.00 for a boxer. Ollie accepts the offer, unbeknown to Stan, Ollie plans to have Stan take part in the fight as a boxer. Once in the ring they find the identity of his opponent to be the angry hotel owner!

The usual.

For more information about the Sons of the Desert and specifically, the Any Old Port “Tent”  email grandsheik@asu2000.net. Or call Joseph Fortunato on 904 443 2828.

Tell him that Harold Lloyd sent you.

Bozo and Coco

Isn’t it rich?
Are we a pair?
Me here at last on the ground,
You in mid-air.
Send in the clowns.

Isn’t it bliss?
Don’t you approve?
One who keeps tearing around,
One who can’t move.
Where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns.

Don’t you love farce?
My fault I fear.
I thought that you’d want what I want.
Sorry, my dear.
But where are the clowns?
Quick, send in the clowns.
Don’t bother, they’re here.

As promised, here’s one for the ladies. Matt McConaughey. The Tom Selleck of the 21st Century.

Which brings me on to one of my absolute favorite topics, Magnum PI.

He's seen something. In the distance.

You may or may not know that Matt McConaughey ( I find ‘Matthew’ a little too formal) has been cast as Thomas Sullivan Magnum (head of security at Robin Masters’ Hawaii estate, Private Investigator and former Navy SEAL) in the upcoming Big Screen version of what, to the mind of Joe Bones, is the best TV drama ever…..

(You see what I did there? How I tricked you? you thought this was a post for the ladies, and now we are talking about SEALS and private investigators. It’s only a matter of time before we mention bikinis and beer….)

Anyway, I wasn’t going to talk about my Magnum PI obsession for a few months. Saving it for later. But in the River City, where we are surrounded by retired and active Navy personnel with operational experience (just like Magnum, T.C., and Rick) I know there are others among you who own all eight series on DVD  who’d love a post like this.

So that’s the original version, but the movie is in production. I never thought much about McConaughey’s acting talent until I saw him in Tropic Thunder (in which, had Tom Cruise not given the comedy performance of a lifetime, he would have stolen the show). But the guys doing the casting for the Magnum PI movie know their shit. They have cast William H Macy as Jonathan Quayle Higgins and Tyrese Gibson as Theodore “TC” Calvin. Steve Zahn as Rick. It will not destroy the franchise. It will enhance it.

“Zeus. Apollo. Patrol!”

God knows how much money I have poured in to Starbucks to drive productivity and satisfy the cravings of my various minions. Come 10.30 am, the Starbucks run became a feature of life at Bones HQ. Whether we were planning a Central American coup or simply designing new GM crops, nothing got done without a paper cup of coffee with a recycled cardboard band around it.

Then I realized the coffee tasted fucking awful.

So we switched to Caffino. It is that preposterous little kiosk on Roosevelt that looks like it belongs on the Truman Show….. The coffee is noticeably better, it is a drive-thru and they have various incentive schemes too, which makes it cheaper in the long run. BAGUS!

We have a winner!

Also, they appear to have done away with that Barista code-talk. You know the one – where “Room for cream” really means “Only half a cup of coffee”……

With US Capital markets crashing down around our ears like Twin City Bridges, you’ll be glad to know that Wall Street Bail-Outs are not just for the banks anymore. The folks over at buymyshitpile.com are compelling Henry Paulson to buy everyone’s “distressed assets.”

All your economic problems solved........

They say,

With our economy in crisis, the US Government is scrambling to rescue our banks by purchasing their “distressed assets”, i.e., assets that no one else wants to buy from them. We figured that instead of protesting this plan, we’d give regular Americans the same opportunity to sell their bad assets to the government.

Pure genius.

For the record, the Bones family wealth is safe, invested heavily in Conflict Diamonds and old Soviet nukes. We’ll be fine.

Okay.

Joe feels that he cannot NOT recommend the following activity, brought to my attention by a loyal reader. My role is to endorse quality products that support  an optimized lifestyle. How you consume those products is really up to you.

The Dogfish Head 120 chug:

I’d have been more impressed if it had been administered via the bloodbag……

Pamela is stacked.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.................

I promise to post something for the fairer sex next week. Matthew McConaughey or something. These ‘rack’ posts are in danger of becoming an obsession.

Setting Elf to one side,  I think we can agree that Will Ferrell’s canon, encompassing such classics as Old School, Talladega Nights, Blades of Glory and the sublime Anchor Man,  represents a deep well of comedy from which we can draw buckets to refresh our souls

Wow. This shit is just writing itself today.

Anyway, the man behind Ron Burgundy, Chazz Michael Michaels and the brilliant Frank ‘the tank’ Ricard (said to be based on my friend The Hog…….) has consented to answer unfiltered questions, via the word wide interweb, from his fans. Without giving anything away, this content is NSFW, as there are many unexpected references to the act of fellatio.

Quite good.