rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

Stop your whining. I have been very busy. You don’t think the Afghanistan surge was his idea do you?

In partial recompense, look at these:

This lady is called Denise Milani and she can “decorate my Christmas tree” anytime….

Geddit?!!

Rivercityvibe was inspired by the “weblog” of my South African buddy, Seth Rotherham. His Cape Town-based site 2oceansvibe (see what he did there) is Africa’s second most trafficked WEBSITE (true story). It has propelled him to levels of fame and fortune not often seen in the blogging world. His secret?

He hates hipsters and has no truck with their boring blogs or their terrible ‘blogosphere’ circle-jerkery. He shuns them as I would shun a rabid dog.

Seth and I handled some rough work back in the day. The phrase we usually use to describe our relationship is, “we stole some horses together.” This is not meant to be literal (rustling is illegal, folks), rather it’s mean to hint at what life was like back in the days when pairs fire and maneuver was needed just to get to the nearest bar…..

To show you how he rolls these days, here is an interview with South Africa’s ELLE Magazine which I would have posted for its humor value even if I had no connection to the subject:

CTRL and + to zoom (in Firefox)

Nice hat. He’s got the whole Hunter T vibe going on. I am told the fact that rivercityvibe was not mentioned in the answer to the last question was an editing decision made by the poor folks at Elle.

They know not what they do. It’s cool.

The consequences will be felt through the mysterious workings of karma.

I have a soft spot for that other warm, sunny state – by which I mean California. Also I like its comedy Governor, the vocally challenged Austrian ex-pornstar Arnold Schwarzenegger (I know, Austrian is actually worse than German, what with Fritzl-types around every corner, but I am laying off the boxhead bashing for a while… it got too easy).

This week Arnie showed a side of him that I had hitherto suspected existed. He is a humorous individual considering his… well you know. On vetoing a bill sent to him by the legislature, he sent the following letter to policymakers in Sacramento:

So far so good, right? Standard political/governance fare, one would imagine and it’s not as if he doesn’t have a point. Cryptologists working at Bones HQ have, however, identified the following message, hidden within the Governor’s letter:

Good material, nein? Klasse und schoen! As the Governator might say…..

Out for a run the other day, I spied the unmistakable image of three uniformed members of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard coming toward me. Naturally I sought hard target cover and sounded my personal locator alarm, knowing that the QRF at Bones HQ would be crashed out. If I was going to have to conduct a fighting withdrawal on the streets of my own home town, I wanted my Ukrainian bodyguards in intimate support. “Bring the ’40“, I whispered into my collar mike….

As the enemy moved toward me it became increasingly obvious that I was mistaken. In fact, the closer they got the more sure I was that they were not Iranian Revolutionary Guard. Neither were they Egyptian Special Police (my second guess). In fact I was slowly coming to the horrifying conclusion that these guys were not third world paramilitaries at all. Could they be Americans?

Then a comforting thought struck me….. “Halloween costumes!”  I extracted myself from my fire position with as much dignity as I could and moved towards the guys in question, smiling.

Fuck me, readers – they only turned out to be members of the US Navy!

Not these fellows, after all.

Great guys they were (anyone who has a broad international experience knows we should go down on our knees to thank serving sailors for what they do for us). They sheepishly explained that the Pentagon, in its Post-Rumsfeldian wisdom, had decreed a new working dress for the Navy and had decided it should be a Disruptive Pattern Material (DPM) colored blue….

You know, in case you wanted to hide behind some waves…….. or in the sky, perhaps.

Here is a picture of the new look US Navy:

Relax. They're on our side

There really is very little difference. I CANNOT wait for them to bring out more colors (you know it will happen – Bones Rule # 1). I have a feeling this is a reaction to the fashion and celebrity culture that we live in (the one I deliberately perpetuate for laughs….) It does not seem very military, I’ll say that.

Perhaps officers of field rank and above could be permitted to wear mauve?

So we got to the game early. I was riding with Kenny P and McPolish. Benny Anderson off of ABBA had foolishly over-indulged the night before and was missing, believed vomiting. We were meeting up with my buddy III who is the king of this sort of celebration……

My regular thing dropped us off in her experimental water craft (which she claims was built by Israeli Special Forces for Littoral Operations in the Sea of Galilee. Maybe.) We were inserted at Jacksonville Landing. The first person we saw was this guy:

He was a Gator, for the record

I think that counts as One for the Ladies….. As we pushed further into the mayhem (via weak and pricey shots at that place that used to be Gaslights. The shots had fruit in them. so actually had the effect of sobering me up. Hardly their purpose), I began to get the impression that this year was going to be off the hook. This was 100% confirmed when I saw this:

An engineering marvel

It was a mobile, gas-pressured, three way beer bong that can deliver three cans of beer to three participants, in under three seconds.

I like them apples a lot.

The legend who was in charge of it has a future as an impresario (apparently he’ll need something. Five years of college and a sophomore already……) No sooner had I explained who I was and that all the Russians (ex-soldiers and strippers, mainly) were part of my entourage, than he grasped what he must do. He lined up three beautiful girls and arranged a demonstration. Here is my photographic essay on the subject…..

Feeding the Beast

Adopt the position

Bend zee knees (if you like)

Chin it, Padre!

Clear. Ease springs.

Each one of them earned a cheer from the crowd as they emitted, one by one, three of the most lady-like beer belches I have ever heard. They were a pleasure, beginning to end. I was rather lost in music, at this stage, so I did not get anyone’s name. Email me if you want credit, girls and boys. I am afraid it won’t count in class, though……

So that was a highlight. Incidentally, we saw the Fifth Column again. There was plenty more of the usual naughtiness. As tradition dictates, I did not attend the game, or know what the score was. I presume the Gators won……

This is the weekend we have been waiting for. AC DC playing Veterans Arena tonight, easing us in to the Florida/Georgia game tomorrow. It is going to be Pretty. Fucking. Huge.

In an effort to celebrate the enormity of the imminent mayhem, I have resolved to publish not one, but two (2) Florida Gator babes.

Incidentally, I’ll be at the tailgates, taking pictures of the celebrants as long as it is safe for me to do so – I don’t think I shared with you last year’s debacle…… It was shameful (in a good way). I have only just finished paying for the damage (both economic and moral).

So far, so good, non? Here’s her friend:

Hot dang diggety.

See you at the game……

Did you know that Benicio Del Toro was the third Puerto Rican to win an Academy Award? No? Well he was.

Benny (as he is known to intimates) hasn’t put a foot wrong, cinematically. His morals too, appear to be faultless (always a disappointment for celeb-watchers). His latest movie, The Wolfman, is inspired by the classic 1941 movie of the same name and looks double-plus awesome. Check it:

Gollum and Hannibal Lecter? We’re spoiled.

I think I have alluded to the fact that I have distant family in New Zealand. I may have pointed out that my second cousin* is dominating the Australasian music scene with his band Midnight Youth and, I have no doubt, will be here very soon. There’s a lot to like about New Zealand, I reckon. I have never been there (nearest I have come is Sumbawa – which is nowhere near). I’d like to go, if only to experience cops with a genuine sense of humor…..

Words to live by.

Follow Midnight Youth HERE. They utterly rock.

(*we are second cousins, apparently. So my aunt tells me….. She did the complex math.)

We had another of those bar conversations last night – one of the ones in which I speak about a well-known cult musician and my buddies stare at me blankly. I then have to go to other patrons to conduct a straw poll to prove that A. I am not making it up, and B. my friends are idiots.

Last time, we were at Harpos, but yesterday we had repaired to The Secret Bar. I can’t remember if I have mentioned it before, but this is the bar that we have sworn a blood oath to keep secret from the various female stakeholders in our lives. It means we can camp out, with our phones off and be certain we will not be disturbed. All I can reveal is that it is on the Westside and does not require teeth. Imagine the scene last night as I went around the various denizens and asked them if they were familiar with the works of Boney M….

Of course they were. They were as hip to it as I am. Here is their flagship anthem Daddy Cool:

By the way, Class Warfare has broken out in the comments section for one of our posts. Check it out.

Okay, I am establishing a new category, which I am calling Planet Florida (genius, non?).

Not for nothing does the rest of the country look on Florida as the home of eccentrics, weirdos and old folk. The see us (that’s you and me) as deeply alien. Like Tusken Raiders. Or the Borg. We in North Florida are insulated to a point, from the worst of the craziness, but it seeps in sometimes. Last night, for example, we had a crazy ol’lady who lives near us dodge the claymores and fixed line machine guns that protect Bones’ Hideout and accuse me of reporting her to ‘The Government”. For what was never established. I advised her to sling her hook before I set the dogs on her. Nicely, of course. She’s old and clearly “from Florida”.

Anyway, to ease us in to the craziness, CCTV footage has emerged that shows some cops conducting a drug raid in Polk County. Tampa Bay Online sets the scene:

With guns drawn and flashlights cutting through darkened rooms, Polk County undercover drug investigators stormed the home of convicted drug dealer Michael Difalco near Lakeland in March…..

Then the cops stop everything and set about a nine hour bowling session with the suspect’s Nintendo Wii:

Click HERE for the Huffington Post’s take and the video.

I know. It’s awesome. Take me to you leader.