rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

I mentioned Jon Gosselin (philanderer and IVF fanatic) in my last post. My implication was that he was a no-good asshole, who selfishly abandoned his eight children in order to fulfill his own warped needs, mainly sexual.

What? You didn’t get all that?

Well that’s what I was implying.

Anyway, it turns out that his evil plan is working, and, I must admit, he appears to have rebooted his sex life very successfully. This is how he rolls, these days…..

I like that one. The pink one, bottom left

For those who have been wondering where I have been for the last few weeks, I am afraid it will take a presidential finding for me to disclose that. Let’s just say, it was very scary and involved shrunken heads.

We are entering a new GOLDEN AGE for rivercityvibe, my children. Did you know you can now read us on jacksonville.com?

Well you can.

Much more to follow. Including my report from DragonCon, which I am attending in order to mock.

No shit…….

I went to Harpos for a liquid lunch. I was astonished to learn that my companions, Benny from ABBA and Dupree McPolish Layabout, were not familiar with the oeuvre of German synthpop trio Alphaville.

Unbelievable, I know.

For a minute, I thought I had dropped through one of those wormholes in the space/time continuum (always happening to me). When this occurs, I find things I take for granted no longer exist (on one memorable occasion, for example, ears vanished from my universe). In this case all was okay. I checked with our accomplished waitress who immediately reeled off a list of Alphaville’s most popular tracks, starting with Forever Young (yes, they wrote it)and finishing with Big in Japan.

It turns out my lunch companions are just crap lunch companions, when it comes to music.

Quite an 80s vibe.

I am not sure what freaks me out more, the Teutonic English (“..izzy ven you’re big in Japan….”) or the fact that the singer looks EXACTLY like philanderer and IVF fan, Jon Gosselin

I miss the days when Britney Spears was super hot. Lately, your mom turns me on more. So it is with some misgivings that I, for the first time on rivercityvibe, (drum roll please, Alan**) post an up-to-date picture of Britney in a bikini. I do this for educational purposes. I hope to stimulate a national debate. I leave it in your hands. Do with it what you will.

Apart from the granny panties, I call that not at all bad.

* I use the word “literally” in the way that very stupid people do, to mock them, basically.

** Like I know anyone called Alan. As if. What am I, a bus driver?

We have already discussed my history with rockers AC DC and the way, to me, the band will forever be associated with Flash Gordon (and those pesky Lion Men of Mongo). Whatever. Anyway, they are playing Veteran’s Arena here in the river city on October 30th.

That’s right.

The night before Florida/Georgia.

That weekend is going to be Pretty. Fucking. Huge. I counsel you all (every one of you) not to miss it. Jacksonville.com (with whom I am about to have a feud about their unethical love of hipsters) report,

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame band AC/DC will bring its “Black Ice” Tour to Jacksonville Veterans Memorial Arena on Friday, Oct. 30 — the night before the Florida-Georgia game is played across the parking lot.

Tickets for the Australian hard rockers show go on sale at 10 a.m. Friday through the arena box office, livenation.com and Ticketmaster outlets. All tickets are $90.50.

Here’s a reminder, plus lyrics……

She was a fast machine
She kept her motor clean
She was the best damn woman that I ever seen
She had the sightless eyes
Telling me no lies
Knockin’ me out with those American thighs
Taking more than her share
Had me fighting for air
She told me to come but I was already there

‘Cause the walls start shaking
The earth was quaking
My mind was aching
And we were making it and you –

CHORUS:
Shook me all night long
Yeah you shook me all night long

Working double time
On the seduction line
She was one of a kind, she’s just mine all mine
Wanted no applause
Just another course
Made a meal out of me and came back for more
Had to cool me down
To take another round
Now I’m back in the ring to take another swing

‘Cause the walls were shaking
The earth was quaking
My mind was aching
And we were making it and you –

CHORUS

And knocked me out and then you
Shook me all night long
You had me shakin’ and you
Shook me all night long
Yeah you shook me
Well you took me

[INSTRUMENTAL]

Your really took me and you
Yeah you shook me, yeah you shook me
All night long

Ten kinds of awesome, my fellow rockers.

On his bottom. Sorry girls.

Vinny Chase (aka Adrian Grenier*) is a popular sex symbol in the fictional world of Entourage. I checked with my regular thing by showing her these pictures and she confirmed that, in real life, he fails to meet the required standard.

Also, I note his name is Adrian.

What a giveaway……..

One of the most popular posts EVER on rivercityvibe was a two minute effort for me – a simple cut and paste from youtube of that one guy from SNL’s brilliant “I’m on a Boat”. Forget the fact that I spend hours coming up with hilarious comedy of my own, the drink and drug-fueled drafting, editing, redrafting. Evidently the rivercityvibe faithful prefer their pleasures out of a can.

It’s a metaphor for our times.

Anyway, we have featured a capella before, too. Here we combine a capella with “I’m on a Boat”. Watch the girl who takes T-Paine’s part (her name is Anya). She’s on the right of the screen, ill-advisedly wearing red jeans. We’ll discuss her in a minute.

So the girls name is Anya. I was going to say something dryly amusing about her posterior. But then I realized I was entirely cool with it. Partly because it’s just not that bad, and partly because….you’ve guessed it haven’t you? At least in this, she looks like rivercityvibe favorite Lindsay Lohan. And that is the biggest compliment I can give basically. Seriously, Anya. Never change.

I’ve just checked the acquire website (scroll down eight people). Tell me she’s not a real Ginger. We all know what that means.

It means beware.

Continuing our occasional series of hot babes with their tongues sticking out. Here is the recently single Jessica Simpson. We’ve discussed her in detail before. No need to go over all that again.

This is becoming a controlling obsession……

I really don’t think this needs much of an intro. I’ll just say that one of these two is AnnaLynne McCord.

Bones out…..

Those old guys who man the drawbridge into Ortega have spotted something in the water. They’ve closed off Grand Avenue Bridge and the Bomb Squad are at the scene.

It’s either a Naval Mine or the Loch Ness Monster. My money is on the latter……….

or

Definitely.

The Austrian’s are up in arms about Sacha Baron-Cohen’s new movie, Bruno. Not literally. That’s proven a losing strategy on at least two occasions. It appears they are insulted by the concept of a gay fashionista being their most famous person since… ahem… Joseph Fritzl.

And before him, Adolf Hitler.

Long time members of the rivercityvibe faithful will know that this website gently teases the Deutsch about the sins of their past. To that end, we applaud Bruno’s effort to do the same. But, boxhead-bashing apart, I think there is a very good chance that Bruno (subtitled “Delicious Journeys Through America for the Purpose of Making Heterosexual Males Visibly Uncomfortable in the Presence of a Gay Foreigner in a Mesh T-Shirt”), is going to be very funny indeed.

Check out these promotional stills from Bruno’s European publicity tour:

In each City he visited, he dressed the part. In London, he wore the uniform of the Guards outside Buckingham Palace.

In Madrid, where archaic laws mean you can torture animals in public for sport, Bruno dressed as an anatomically correct bull. He was chased by matadors, but not speared or run through with a rapier.

And, of course, in Amsterdam, he dressed as a sex worker. Naturlich, ja?

I am going to see it on Friday, in the meantime, we must make do with the trailer:

Klasse!