rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

I don’t know much about lesbian gangs. I have been going to Kickbacks a lot, lately, in an effort to improve my knowledge, but all I have got out of it is The Fear and an appreciation for the numbing qualities of Sierra Nevada Harvest (awesome BTW).

Anyway, it appears that lesbian gangs run womens’ prisons. I know that sounds unbelieveably awesome, but apparently it is nothing like that one movie we passed around in grade school. Nothing like that at all.

Now that rivercityvibe favorite Lindsay Lohan is going to prison, said gangs are going crazy at the prospect of …. ahem….. meeting her. Her well known sapphic tendencies combined with a rack to die for and, let’s face it, her attractive crazy streak, combine to make her the best thing in the prison system since suicide netting.

The ever-reliable Sun, has this to say:

Lindsay’s A-list neighbors will be replaced with tough guards at the Lynwood correctional facility, as well as fearsome lesbian gangs desperate to get their hands on her.
(A source said) “Everyone will want a piece of her. It will make them famous if they hurt Lindsay Lohan. Or if you get her to cry, the whole ward will laugh and people will love it – even the guards.”
“The gay inmates wear their shirts inside out to let others know they are available. So if Lindsay doesn’t want someone to grab her ass she’d better keep her shirt on straight. Women grab each other like animals when the guards aren’t looking. It’s disgusting.”

That shirts inside out things explains a lot, by the way….. I will be following Lindsay’s stay in prison in the most prurient fashion possible. You can be assured I’ll report it all back to you…….

The ubiquitous “JD” in London, England sent this quite amazing example of a public service announcement that has been running on Brit TV recently. JD mentions that despite having the most crowded roads in the developed world, England also has the safest. Ads like this must help:

Okay, that’s enough of that sort of thing. Coming up – Lindsay Lohan! And you thought we’d forgotten her!

We’ve been going a year (more, actually) and we have published some seriously funny shit. We need a recap for new readers. Here it is.

My personal favorite so far was the Where the Wild Things are vs. Wild Things post, but people tell me all the time  “it’s shit”. I disagree. If I may quote Harry Smith, who taught me English Literature (and why I should love it):“It may not have you rolling in the aisles, but if it does not have you chuckling quietly to yourselves…. there’s something wrong with your sense of humor…!”

Harry was (as no doubt you’ve guessed), referring to Thomas Middleton’s 1613 crowd-pleaser, A Chaste Maid in Cheapside, but the sentiment applies here. Random celebrity tongue follows:

by my reckoning, these are the most popular posts so far on rivercityvibe.com

Thanksgiving 2007

Wildlife Notes for Foreign Readers

Rush Limbaugh: A Man of Appetites

An Introduction to Schadenfreude

America’s Next Top Model (numerous entries)

“Charles. Get out the rifle. We’re being fucked.”

There is a school of thought that the tale of the German Base Jumper should be here, but I have run out of time. Use the search function.

Thanks as always to the rivercityvibe faithful.… You’ve been real….

It will hardly shock you to hear that I dreamed about Lindsay, last night. You might be more surprised when you hear it wasn’t the usual one (the one when she’s naked and I’m on top of the armoire in my Batman suit). No, it was a new and altogether less fun version, which involved my regular thing and Los Angeles public transport (I know, there isn’t any in real life. My dreams tend to distort reality. For instance, this one time, I knew Kung Fu and could speak Chinese. That was actually a very cool dream. I think it was brought on by early oral administration of my customary double Ambien and Glenfiddich).

Anyway, it reminded me that we were due to check in with rivercityvibe favorite, accomplished actress Lindsay Lohan. Here she is at her recent birthday party:

A publicist working for a Brit comedian of sorts who goes by the name of Russell Brand has put out some rumors that Brand spurned Lindsay’s amorous advances recently (interestingly enough Russell Brand is also the name of a high school friend of mine who was, sadly, afflicted with both eczema and asthma. We called him Flaky Face). The rumors, however, seem unlikely. This is Brand. He look like he could do with a wash. And a haircut:

Not for nothing does he self-describe as a sort of “S&M Willy Wonka.” He looks like he would have made love to Lindsay in much the same way as Gene Wilder might have, if we’d spiked him with a quaalude.

I think the whole Perez Hilton thing interfered with the vibe. You know – the river city vibe. In cases like this there is literally only one thing to do to restore harmony:

Here’s Lindsay:

Aaaaaaah.

That’s better.

Rivercityvibe favorite Lindsay Lohan has taken it upon herself to rehabilitate her (unfairly) damaged reputation by appearing as often as possible in public in her bikini. I have to say, it’s a strategy that is paying dividends in zip code 32210. I have straw-polled many of my friends (of both sexes) on this issue and they agree, she couldn’t be doing better……….

There are about a million more of these pictures appearing almost hourly on the worldwide interweb. The Paparazzi (who hate her, apparently) are basically camped out in a circle around her. It’s like they are the photographic equivalent of a  Joint Air Attack Team (JAAT) and they have drawn her in to their killing zone.

It’s uncanny how accurate that simile is. I have a gift, for sure.

Speculation is mounting that rivercityvibe favorite Lindsay Lohan is considering a career in adult movies. She has, it is alleged, been hired to star alongside Scary Spice (even scarier with age….) in a one-off appearance on Peepshow, the burlesque production at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. This has been taken by many to mean she is one step closer to going the whole way.

She's built for it. And she's bi.

For the record, I think pornography is filthy, immoral and degrading to all involved.

(If it’s any good).

I’ll be honest, rivercityvibe’s dedication to Lindsay Lohan has raised some eyebrows among the faithful. Though many are happy to take my lead on matters of taste (very sensible), some have demanded proof that this girl is as awesome as I have claimed. Well, that proof is here, courtesy of Funny or Die!, clear and incontrovertible. This will silence the naysayers forever.

Beautiful? Check! Acting skills? Check! Funny? Check! Cool? Check! Sober? Check! Sexy? Check!

You see, you were right to trust me.

Well done.

Eminem’s new album and his song We Made You is getting a lot of attention. It mocks mercilessly a number of celebrities including Simpson, Kardashian, and our favorite Lohan. He is right on the money with what he says about Lindsay and Ronson, drawing attention to the fact that they were something of an odd couple – Lindsay being seriously good-looking and Ronson having a face like a robber’s dog. In fact, Eminem seems to echo much that has appeared on rivercityvibe of late. Could Eminem be channeling Joe Bones? The Video is HERE.

We Made You

Guess Who… You Miss me?… Jessica Simpson sing the chorus

(CHORUS)
When you walked through the door
It was clear to me (clear to me)
You’re the one they adore, who they came to see (who they came to see)
You’re a … rock star (baby)
Everybody wants you (everybody wants you)
Player… Who can really blame you (who can really blame you)
We’re the ones who (chicka) made you *cough, cough*

Back by popular demand
Now pop a little zantack or ant’-acid if you can
You’re ready to tackle any task that is at hand
How does it feel, is it fantastic, is it grand?
Well look at all the massive masses in the stands
Shady man… no don’t massacre the fans
Damn, I think Kim Kardashians a man
She stomped him just cause he asked to put his hands
On her massive glutious maximus again
Squeeze it, then Squish it, then pass it to her friend
Can he come back as nasty as he can
Yes he can,can, don’t ask me this again
He does not mean to lesbian offend
But Lindsay please come back to seeing men
Samantha’s a 2, You’re practically a 10
I know you want me girl,
In fact I see your grin – now come in girl

(CHORUS)
When you walked through the door
It was clear to me (clear to me)
You’re the one they adore, who they came to see (who they came to see)
You’re a … rock star (baby)
Everybody wants you (everybody wants you)
Player… Who can really blame you (who can really blame you)
Were the ones who made you

So baby, baby
Get down, down, down

Baby, get down, down down
Baby, get down, down down
Baby, get down, down down
Baby, get down, get down

Oh Amy, Rehab never looked so good,
I can wait, I’m going back!! HAHA Whooo!

DR DRE, 2020, Yeah

You get the idea…….

Now, I am a feminist. You know that. I do not judge ladies on their looks. I appreciate a good looking girl, but I do not judge her worth in that way. With one significant exception: Samantha Ronson.

You’ll recall that this is the girl who lured rivercityvibe favorite Lindsay Lohan away from men. What is more, she is not a looker. Nobody could claim that for her. Now that Lindsay and Samantha have broken up, and the haters are bashing LiLo over it, I feel I can come clean with a theory I have had for some time:

Samantha Ronson not only looks like a man, she actually is a man, and she starred in Series Two of The Wire.

Samantha Ronson

Ziggy Sobotka

I think this is an open-and-shut case.