rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

“You couldn’t make it up” is an over-used phrase, but it is constantly at the forefront of my mind as I survey the world in which we live. It really is awesome, you know! If your senses are fine-tuned to the ridiculous, there is a never-ending stream of it to amuse you. Honestly, I spend most days weeping with laughter…..

So the latest is that ShamWow! guy, beating, and getting beaten by a hooker in Miami Beach. Quite apart from the fire this has lit under the online debate regarding sexual uses for a ShamWow! (it holds twenty times its weight in liquid etc.), the story of what actually happened is comedy gold. Smoking Gun has these pictures and the story:

The ShamWow! guy (above). His 'ho (below).

Here’s some better-than-fiction, fact:

According to an arrest affidavit, Vince Shlomi met Sasha Harris, 26, at a Miami Beach nightclub on February 7 and subsequently retired with her to his $750 room at the lavish Setai hotel. Shlomi told cops he paid Harris about $1000 in cash after she “propositioned him for straight sex.” Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly “bit his tongue and would not let go.” Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue.

Kissing hookers? Hmmmmmmm………? for foreign readers, here is the original ShamWow ad:

Highlighting the fact that it is a German product and “therefore” of high quality is odd, in terms of brand association: Panzers! V-Weapons! The Condor Legion! ShamWow…….! Oh, now I see it!

I nearly mentioned human-skin lampshades.

This headline is one of my favorite movie quotes of the 90s. It’s from Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, and is spoken when the trustafarian weed-sellers are raided by real gangsters, armed with a WWII machine-gun.

The rifle in question is an air-rifle and, needless to say, proves ineffectual. At Bones HQ we have all manner of small arms and support weapons, but have never had an air rifle.

Until now.

You see, my folks had given me the gift of money for yoga lessons (this is 100% true, by the way). I went along to Yoga Ananda, but it was closed. Next thing I know, I had blown the money on this:

How do you like me NOW?

It’s the Crosman Phantom 1000 .177 Break-Action Air Rifle with a 4 X 32 Scope and it is FANTASTIC.  I announced the news of its acquisition to my Regular Thing by email, resulting in the following exchange:

From: Joe@rivercityvibe.com
Sent: Wednesday, February 11, 2009 10:28 AM
To: regularthing@insanelyhotbabes.com
Subject: BTW
Date: Wed, 11 Feb 2009 09:35:42 -0500

I decided Yoga lessons were too ‘unmanly’, so I bought an air rifle as my gift from my mom and dad

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From: regularthing@insanelyhotbabes.com

Sent: Wednesday, February 11, 2009 10:30 AM
To: Joe@rivercityvibe.com
Subject: RE: BTW
Date: Wed, 11 Feb 2009 09:35:42 -0500

you are the funniest person i have ever known.  I thought you said you wanted to improve your flexibility “to levels previously thought impossible by humans” so we could try that thing?

can you tell me what you are going to do with an air rifle???

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From: Joe@rivercityvibe.com
Sent: Wednesday, February 11, 2009 10:58 AM
To: regularthing@insanelyhotbabes.com
Subject: RE: BTW
Date: Wed, 11 Feb 2009 09:35:42 -0500

Deter varmints

I mean, what was all that? Twenty questions? Actually, I (as you know) would never harm an animal. I have bought it for a specific reason which I will share with the rivercityvibe faithful in due course……..

You can buy one here, everyone.