rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

I’m kidding. It is going to be unbelieveably, crazily, brilliant. I have never been more sure of anything. I am talking about The Expendables, the new Sylvester Stallone high-action movie which co-stars Jason Statham, Jet Li, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Bruce Willis.

Did you get all that? All it is missing is Michael Caine. I can actually do without a smoking babe in a movie like this, but “Sly” has that covered. Welcome to rivercityvibe, Giselle Itié:

This was not supposed to be a babe post. She just snuck in, the naughty minx. It happens to me all the time. Anyway, back to talking about the the war film (which I love to do). A plot synopsis goes like this:

…an explosive action thriller about a group of hard-nosed mercenaries who are double-crossed during a treacherous mission. Approached by the shadowy Church to overthrow tyrannical South American dictator General Gaza (David Zayas) and restore… order to the troubled island country of Vilena, stoic soldier of fortune Barney Ross (Stallone) rounds up an unstoppable team that includes former SAS soldier and blade specialist Lee Christmas (Jason Statham); martial arts expert Yin (Jet Li); trigger-happy Hale Caesar (Terry Crews); cerebral demolitions expert Toll Road (Randy Couture); and haunted sniper Gunnar Jensen (Dolph Lundgren), a combat veteran who never misses his mark.

The words “blade specialist” and “haunted sniper” have a special resonance for lovers of war films. They send a dog-whistle message and the message is “fucking awesome”. Here’s the trailer:

I read more of the plot summary. Apparently there is a rogue CIA operator, as well.

Jackpot!

[One small concern. they seem to be wearing berets at one point in the trailer. Please let them them be shaped properly. Or they look shit. Bad berets nearly ruined The Wild Geese for me.]

The reference to Ruprecht in my last post has caused an avalanche of email concerning the double-plus awesomeness of the Caine/Martin vehicle Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. What a movie. Right up there in Bones’ Top 6. A refresher:

Comedy brilliance. I am told that White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel is the latest to adopt my practice of using the term “Ruprecht” as a synonym for “retard” – an altogether nastier, meaner and more spiteful term which he has used before to wide condemnation.

Not since I coined the phrase “coined the phrase” has one of my verbal-innovations caught on so quickly….

I went to see Harry Brown last night at the 5 Points Theatre (note spelling). You’ll recall from my preview that this is the Michael Caine vehicle about an elderly vigilante in the violent projects of central London. It was even better than I expected, but this did not surprise me. You see, I have this theory that Michael Caine is the greatest man on Earth. The most awesome fella going. The best guy out.

There’s plenty of evidence to support my hypothesis. His canon of work for starters. By itself, the combination of Zulu and  Dirty Rotten Scoundrels gets him halfway there. Factor in Get Carter,  The Italian Job, Hannah and her Sisters (Oscaaaaaar…),  the BRILLIANT imagining of Graham Greene’s The Quiet American, and you have got something pretty special. I could live on a desert island with just his movies (plus the Empire Strikes Back, Weird Science, and Christmas Vacation) for the rest of my life, quite happily.

But actually, the single thing that finally convinced me that this guy eclipses even Oliver Reed‘s awesomeness as a hero and role model, was a quote from The New Yorker, which interviewed him in advance of the release of Harry Brown. Here it is:

Harry Brown is the most fragile, weary, shoot-the-moon vigilante yet. Caine said his key to understanding the character was that he himself once served in Korea:

“When I was nineteen and a soldier, I often wondered how I was going to be if I knew I was going to die. At one point, we were ambushed in the paddy fields, just four of us surrounded by Chinese. And my instinct—which has lasted me the rest of my life—was: All right, I’m going to die. And that’s O.K. But”—he paused and leveled a heavy finger at the recollected enemy, and at any future adversaries—“as many of you as possible are going to die with me. I’ll take the whole fucking lot.” He grinned. “I’m going to die expensive.

What a fucking dead-set legend. I rest my case.

I have talked before about my favorite movies. Y’all know of my deep love for the comedy classic Weird Science; of my abiding passion for the second Star Wars film (Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back); and I have mentioned before my admiration for Brit Gangster movies – including last year’s RocknRolla. I don’t think, however, I have mentioned that probably my favorite war film of all time (it competes with The Wild Geese) is Zulu, in which Michael Caine gives a career-defining performance as the officer in charge of the defense of Rourke’s Drift.

Well I have now.

So when I see a trailer like this one for Harry Brown – gritty Brit Gangster film starring Michael Caine, I get very, very excited:

All it needs is Kelly LeBrock’s rack and it would be my perfect movie. It is out on DVD in the New Year. I have pre-ordered it.