rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

Oh dear. Somebody’s been naughty. This post relates to the mischievous activities of First Coast High School students Ryan Ortagus, 19; Jacob Nolan, 18; and a 17-year-old whose name is unavailable for some legal reason that makes no sense at all.

These “criminals” (the Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office (JSO) are throwing the book at them) committed two heinous crimes: They padlocked their school gates shut one night so that, in the morning, nobody could enter,  and they rearranged the message board outside the school to read:

“GO ORAL CUNTS”

I am sure you agree with me. These kids are not criminals.

They are heroes.

It is with more than a little vicarious pride that I announce that this story has resulted in Jacksonville, Florida being featured on the AWESOME Smoking Gun Website. My favorite bit is where they say:

In an update on his MySpace page, Nolan last night listed his mood as “scared,” and reported that he “spent the day at jail. definitely somewhere i never wanna go again. probably wont graduate, gonna have to pay a ton of money, court june 2nd.”

The entire police report is HERE.

Is anyone else saddened that high-spirits are not recognized as partial mitigation these days?

(Go oral cunts! Lag!)

Hot on the heels of our ShamWow! story, I receive from longtime supporter Benny Anderson*, another link to the Smoking Gun, this time detailing what the po-pos in Ohio are calling a “law enforcement first”.

It seems that Kile Wygle, 28 was arrested for driving under the influence (DUI) on a motorized barstool. This motorized barstool:

I want one.

The SG tells us:

According to cops, Kile Wygle, 28, crashed his bar stool near his Newark home earlier this month and called 911 due to his injuries. When an officer arrived and asked Wygle what happened, he answered, “I wrecked my bar stool.” According to a Newark Police Division report, a copy of which you’ll find here, Wygle’s homemade ride is powered by a Briggs & Stratton lawnmower engine. Wygle noted that the bar stool could hit nearly 40 miles per hour, but that he was only going 20 when he wiped out late in the afternoon on March 4 (a witness told police that he spotted someone driving a “strange motorized machine” before the crash). A plastered Wygle, who failed a series of field sobriety tests, was charged with DUI and driving with a suspended license, both misdemeanors. His bar stool was not impounded. (5 pages)

Though, looking at it, it’s hardly the luxury model.  Neat wheel at the back, though. I bet it helps over sweet jumps…….

EXTREMENESS TO THE MAXXXXXXX!!!!!!!!!

(*not his real name, just has the same hairstyle as the ABBA divorcee)