rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

In the interests of fairness, and to balance our references to her as a gender-traitor, a coward and a brainless idiot, here is a picture of a smoking-hot Tyra Banks.

Now I remember.....

Tyra, if you’re reading this, this is what we mean by being FAIR. Everyone gets an even chance. Even you.

I’ve been pondering what I could do to cheer up our female readers. They have had a tough time of it of late –  coming to terms with the fact that pole-dancers are now “athletes” rather than “strippers” and being outraged by the behavior of gender-traitor Tyra Banks. Frankly, it’s all been a little too much.

I could not think of anything, so I went about my daily business. Suddenly, while feeding my dog,  a single name came to mind, clear and unbidden –  ‘Jude Law‘, my subconscious said. ‘Jude Law!”

Here he is, courtesy of Just Jared. Lookin’ mighty fine:

Latvian Chimney Sweep

Victorian Pickpocket

There. Feel better now?

This is so huge I am going to post it immediately, in its entirety, without a picture. I say again, without a picture. We have received a communication from Babyann Hernandez’s Mom, Maggie Gottfried, which gives a very personal view of the America’s Next Top Model Audition fiasco, and advances the theory that “the reality is that the auditions were set up to fail from the start.”

On that BOMBSHELL, I give you Babyann’s mom:

I am Babyann Hernandez’ mom, and unfortunately, witness to the chaos. I have been a fan of Tyra Banks since I met her at an autograph signing at the Astor Place Kmart in 1996. She was an amazing, down to earth person, so even as the ordeal was taking place, I couldn’t help but believe she was better than that, and could not or would not stand for the outrage, therefore she would do everything in her power to make amends. But now that time continues to pass with little or no word from Tyra as to how she will repair the damage to her name and reputation, not to mention her loyal fans, one has to wonder.
They keep mentioning the BMW but the reality is the auditions were set up to fail from the start. There was no security, order, organization, the people on line were the ones telling newcomers where to go and where the lines “began and ended,” at around 3AM the crowd became too large to continue to handle itself, and the riot was unavoidable.
To watch my child have to endure the damage and abuse from the riot and then have her dream pulled out from under her, is an experience I could have lived without.
After waiting on line from 1:30AM, we waited for her to be done with “auditions” for over 2 hrs, hopeful of the outcome and happy that if nothing else she would have gotten the opportunity to experience a real audition. When she finally immersed from the crowds in the hotel, with tears in her eyes Babyann said, “ I feel like they mocked my dream, it wasn’t an audition it was a line-up” and then went on to explain her experience or lack thereof.
My heart broke for her. Since she was five all she could talk about was being a model. Unfortunately height was an issue for the kind of modeling she dreamed of, but she had desire, determination and not to mention a killer look, so she continued on her quest and we continue to support her. Then… her “big break”: Shorter models wanted, so we weren’t going to stop until she got an audition. No mountain too high, I told her, all you need is a door to open–how was I to know the door would be slammed in her face, leaving her bruised and confused. “How can my hero do this to me and all of those other great girls I met that day” Babyann said to me on our two hour drive home. What can I say to my daughter, all her life I taught her to be fair and polite, basically “treat others the way you want to be treated,” I told her. What could I say to her at a moment like that? The usual, “everything happens for a reason” just didn’t seem enough. But I told her not to give up, somewhere some way things would work out for the best, they always do. Having taught her to be optimistic, she agreed.
Our family has been cuddling up in the family room on Wednesday nights since the show started. Needless to say, this past Wednesday, none of us could bare even the thought of America’s Next Top Model. I can’t imagine we are the only ones that feel this way. Please let Tyra and CW know we won’t stand for the maltreatment of our loved ones.

So there we have it. Call Tyra’s people, her agent and her manager (“Managers are the ones who care” Entourage). There numbers are on the last post.

You’ll recall I recently offered a prize to anyone who could send me a picture of America’s Next Top Model aspirant Babyann Hernandez, interviewed by the NY Daily News after the recent riot at the audition? My intent was to further mock the lowering of the 5’7″ height requirements.

Babyann, it turns out, is 5’5″ but makes up for it in other ways. How do I know this? Because she entered the competition herself by sending a dozen pictures and we have had quite a nice chat on email. More importantly, she is a babe and has something of a genuine axe to grind about the way the auditions turned out.

Tidy

You see it turns out that the models were not the only ones panicking. Tyra Banks and her team were doing their nuts, inside, frightened for their own safety. Aware that wholesale cancellation of the audition would likely result in them being chased naked through the streets of NY by a baying crowd of stilletto wearing wannabes, they came up with a half-assed plan to assuage the auditioners, and enable them to get out of Dodge as quickly as possible. Babyann describes it like this:

…….they went outside to try and calm them down they said everyone would be seen…only what they meant was you’d go into a room fill out a form then the camera would would go to each person and you were to state your name age height and weight…No hi’s or  my name is…you couldnt show any personality …and you had to do it quickly…then from that the casting director would pick whoever and those would get to audition the right way.

Needless to say, this technique, which makes the electoral college system seem fair by comparison, meant our girl did not get picked. And there’s only one application per cycle according THE RULES.

nice

Then I remembered that this is a TV show. A reality TV show. The rules mean nothing! So I have already contacted Tyra’s people protesting the treatment of Babyann and the others. I have already expressed outrage (Bones Rule # 3 – but I’m faking, for comic effect) and I advise you to do the same.

I mean, seriously, this is the worst thing to happen since part of Janet Jackson’s boob got shown on TV, right? We need ACTION!

Tyra Banks Manager: Benny Medina, Handprint Entertainment Tel: 310 481 4400

Tyra’s Banks Agent: Nancy Josephson, Endeavor Agency Tel: 310 248 4000

Man the phones, team! We’ve got a wrong to right!

The fools have changed the rules for the next season of America’s Next Top Model, allowing ladies under 5’7″ in height to enter.

Speaking as someone who has NEVER dated anyone under 5’9″, I have to say this was a schoolboy error. All manner of womanhood, from raggedy ol’ strippers to chubby little office workers, are swarming out of the suburbs and mountain villages, CVS-bought tooth polish on their remaining teeth, all hoping that Tyra Banks will give them their big break. This, inevitably, resulted in immediate disaster. At the audition:

Apparently there was some bullshit about a car overheating and potentially exploding going on in these peoples’ minds, and while we cannot blame New Yorkers for worrying about the terror threat, the absence of grace, poise and tranquility (surely traits of a top model?) were rather telling. Apparently six people were taken to ER and the only three that saw the situation’s comedy potential were arrested for “inciting a riot”. The audition was called off.

But there’s more. Remember Bones Rule #3 ? The one that states that everybody is outraged about everything, all the time? You do? Good, because it applies here too. A number of the fatties who were standing in line have called upon Tyra Banks to reschedule the audition, threatening legal action if she does not. The NY Daily News, has this to say:

Do right by us, Tyra!

If you don’t, you’ll be America‘s next top villain.

That’s what scores of berserk beauties said Sunday as they sent pleas to Tyra Banks, urging her to give them another chance to become America’s Next Top Model after a Saturday cattle call turned into a stampede.

“I want Tyra to realize that we were cheated, and it wasn’t fair,” cried Babyann Hernandez, 20.

“I’m tired, angry, hurt, confused, and I didn’t even get to try out,” she told the Daily News.

Does anyone ever feel that we live in the land of Oz, or Toytown, or that place from that one movie with Jessica Rabbit in it?

There is a prize for anyone who can send me a picture of Babyann Hernandez, the America’s Top Model hopeful. Seriously. A good prize. Worth having.