rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

So we got to the game early. I was riding with Kenny P and McPolish. Benny Anderson off of ABBA had foolishly over-indulged the night before and was missing, believed vomiting. We were meeting up with my buddy III who is the king of this sort of celebration……

My regular thing dropped us off in her experimental water craft (which she claims was built by Israeli Special Forces for Littoral Operations in the Sea of Galilee. Maybe.) We were inserted at Jacksonville Landing. The first person we saw was this guy:

He was a Gator, for the record

I think that counts as One for the Ladies….. As we pushed further into the mayhem (via weak and pricey shots at that place that used to be Gaslights. The shots had fruit in them. so actually had the effect of sobering me up. Hardly their purpose), I began to get the impression that this year was going to be off the hook. This was 100% confirmed when I saw this:

An engineering marvel

It was a mobile, gas-pressured, three way beer bong that can deliver three cans of beer to three participants, in under three seconds.

I like them apples a lot.

The legend who was in charge of it has a future as an impresario (apparently he’ll need something. Five years of college and a sophomore already……) No sooner had I explained who I was and that all the Russians (ex-soldiers and strippers, mainly) were part of my entourage, than he grasped what he must do. He lined up three beautiful girls and arranged a demonstration. Here is my photographic essay on the subject…..

Feeding the Beast

Adopt the position

Bend zee knees (if you like)

Chin it, Padre!

Clear. Ease springs.

Each one of them earned a cheer from the crowd as they emitted, one by one, three of the most lady-like beer belches I have ever heard. They were a pleasure, beginning to end. I was rather lost in music, at this stage, so I did not get anyone’s name. Email me if you want credit, girls and boys. I am afraid it won’t count in class, though……

So that was a highlight. Incidentally, we saw the Fifth Column again. There was plenty more of the usual naughtiness. As tradition dictates, I did not attend the game, or know what the score was. I presume the Gators won……

This is the weekend we have been waiting for. AC DC playing Veterans Arena tonight, easing us in to the Florida/Georgia game tomorrow. It is going to be Pretty. Fucking. Huge.

In an effort to celebrate the enormity of the imminent mayhem, I have resolved to publish not one, but two (2) Florida Gator babes.

Incidentally, I’ll be at the tailgates, taking pictures of the celebrants as long as it is safe for me to do so – I don’t think I shared with you last year’s debacle…… It was shameful (in a good way). I have only just finished paying for the damage (both economic and moral).

So far, so good, non? Here’s her friend:

Hot dang diggety.

See you at the game……

The mighty University of Florida ‘Gators take on the boringly-named University of Tennessee Volunteers today at home.

The Vols coach, Lane Kiffin, has been talking big. Basically he has been claiming that UT will take UF down – take them down to China town!

It seems unlikely, to be honest. I don’t know how Lane Kiffin stacks up as a prognosticator, seer, or soothsayer (or even as a coach). As a selector of Life Partners, however, he pretty much dominates college football.

Here is his spouse, the delectable Layla Kiffin:

It’s important to note, I think, that Layla is a UF grad and her father an All-American quarterback for UF (and later as UF coach). She claims she’s all about the Vols these days, but it’s the Gator Nation we’re talking about here, so I doubt it. We can claim her.

She’s ours.

I met Joakim Noah once, at a University of Florida faculty party (I get invited to these things ALL THE TIME by fascinated professors and feel I have to turn up every now and again. Now I think of it, that’s probably the reason that Joakim was there too). We spoke. His conversation was like my basketball (the occasional score but mostly inconsequential dribbling). I did come away with the impression that this young man would go far and I am, a few years on, being proved right.

Now a center for the Chicago Bulls, he splits his time between Florida and Chicago. When in Florida he likes to hang with beautiful women. He prefers them topless and in the ocean.

He has something of a Snoop look going on in these pics. If you want to see the entire NSFW (this puritan nation kills me) paparazzi shots click HERE.

Okay, the headline might be a little misleading with reference to the suspension of University of Florida sorority, Sigma Lambda Gamma. It turns out that girls “experimenting” with their budding sexuality in elaborate hazing rituals had nothing to do with the suspension and may not have actually taken place at all, apart from in my mind.

What did happen was equally shocking, though.

Oh. No it wasn’t. It was utterly lame.

It appears that the girls had drawn up a list of 37 things that pledges were forbidden to do, including “using elevators”, and “taking shortcuts across the grass”. If that’s hazing then my entire childhood was one long haze. I wonder if the other rules included having to eat small portions of carrots weekly and wearing sunscreen. Also looking both ways when crossing a road.

Those poor girls…….

Our representative in Washington DC, Ms. Corrine Brown (D FL) has been getting a lot of online exposure lately. I first met Ms. Brown when she pushed in front of me in the line for security at Jax International* Airport. I didn’t know who she was, at first, but I noticed that she had HUGE holes in her hose already (it was 7.30 am). I formed a low opinion of her, which I later revised when I heard her speak in DC. She was not bad at all, in fact. Clearly cared about her constituents and was plain-speaking with no bullshit. Though I did wonder if, perhaps, she had a screw loose……..

Now I have seen the footage below, I wonder no longer. This weird gown she is wearing is evidence enough, but the text of her speech and its delivery leave me in no doubt. We’ve got a live one!

This kind of nuttiness is to be celebrated, not vilified y’all. I thank God for our comedy leaders every single day.

(*international in that we fly to the Bahamas. For two weeks in the summer….)

It appears that some GOD OF COMEDY hacked into the University of Florida emergency notification system yesterday. His message? The brilliant:

THE MONKEY GOT OUT OF THE CAGE!

Our foreign readers might wish for a little explanation. The fact is, due to our national propensity toward abusing our gun laws by using rifles, handguns etc. to massacre students on otherwise friendly college campuses, most universities now have emergency systems whereby instructions to avoid dangerous gunmen, ravening beasts, sexual predators etc. can be communicated to the student body via email, text etc.

It was only a matter of time before someone saw the comedy potential in this…….

Captive no longer......

The Andromeda Strain-style scenario that that particular message brings to mind is good material.

(Aside: This contrasts favorably with my own poor record of university pranks. My highlight, it shames me to admit, was writing “Nelly is a spunk-trumpet” in the snow under my tutor’s office window one night. He was popularly known as Nelly. Poor guy.)

We are the champions.

Continuing our dubious theme of “classic” music, here is the late lamented Freddie Mercury, playing the piano in his undies. It’s a tribute to the University of Florida Gators (and, if I know Freddie, Tim Tebow in particular………)